(Closed) My close friend turned down being in my wedding

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

annabananabee :  But sometimes part of being a good friend/family is sometimes putting aside your own comfort for the sake of your friend/family knowing it is important to them. She will barely have to interact with him they will see eachother at the rehearsal dinner and wedding. That’s literally it. The OP already made it clear to her friend that they won’t be paired up together walking down the aisle so there’s that. So really if she attended as a guest she will still see the guy almost just as much as if she were in the bridal party.

Post # 32
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I would feel upset too and while I think it’s great you’re being so respectful of her boundaries, I don’t think you need to accept this decision as 100% made right now.

You’ve got a solid year or more before you actually need to have your bridal party planned out and committed. That’s plenty of time for her to change her mind and I don’t think it would be a big deal if you did revisit the issue again with her and try to see if there is anything you can do to ensure she is comfortable if she does decide to be a bridesmaid after all. 

Obviously don’t push it or guilt her about it, but I do think maybe she sees it as a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I’ve been in a few weddings and you only have as much interaction with any of the groomsmen as you want to, really. Other than some group photos, she won’t be anywhere near him any more than she would be if they were both just regular guests. And even with the photos and head table if you’re having one, they can be positioned on opposite sides of the group, no problem. She quite literally can go the entire day eithowi saying a word to him or being within two feet of him.

Post # 33
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Was this relationship abusive? I could understand not wanting to have anything thing to do with the guy, even just eliminating small possibilities of interaction could be a big priority for her right now.

Post # 34
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m with the camp that says nobody, not even OP knows what went down between the exes, or how deeply it injured/ affects the friend.

It’s entirely possible that the friend HASN’T told OP all of the unpleasant parts of the breakup because this guy is close enough to OP’s partner to be a groomsman. 

Post # 35
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

kenziewol :  if you’re as good of friends as you say, you should respect her reasoning for saying no. IMO, it absolutely is selfish of you to be upset with her. she sounds remorseful about her decision, but it seems like she’s decided that this is what is best for her.

you do not get the privilege of rationalizing someone else’s behavior or not. her decision sounds deeply personal, and if you’re really her friend you should make a real attempt to understand the possible hurt behind her decision…

let me clarify that I’m not calling you a bad person or selfish as a baseline by any means; however, it would be quite selfish to hold this against her.

Post # 36
Member
11453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I do know why they broke up and can understand while she’s feel awkward, I also feel it has to do with her current boyfriend as well.”

Are you saying you think her boyfriend is giving her a hard time about being a few feet away from her ex rather than across a room? If so, she may have other problems. 

Post # 39
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

kenziewol :  it is understandable that you’re bummed about the missed memories; however, if you were in doubt about her character at all, it speaks volumes that she still wants to be involved in your wedding, just not in any way that includes her ex.

Post # 41
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee

Yep! I upfront said my approach was petty lol. yogahammy :  

Post # 42
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

 

ladyjane123 :  Are you 16? Because this is advice I’d expect to get from a teenager.  Thankfully,  the op sounds too adult and mature enough to actually take it.  

Post # 43
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee

Lol. So funny how people are getting worked up over a comment made by me where I openly admit it’s petty. Thanks for stating what I already did about my own comment 🙄🤣 oceangirl40 :  

Post # 44
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

So they broke up 2 years ago, and by the wedding they will have been broken up for 4 years, but she won’t be a bridesmaid even though realistically she won’t be obliged to even talk to her ex at all? I think she is being childish and needs to get over it. Yeah, she’s not obligated to be a bridesmaid, but she’s shooting herself in the foot because she can’t put a non-existent drama to one side for ONE day for the sake of being there for her best friend. I would also be upset if I were you. I wonder if she will change her mind nearer the time.

Post # 45
Member
3503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

This really sucks OP. I too had a friend decline being in my wedding party. I have 2 best friends and she’s my only other close female friend, we’ve been close for 12+ years. She just had her first baby in February and was worried about finances and being able to commit her time to events but promised to be there as much as she could. I absolutely understood and played it very cool. But it totally sucked. It’s a rejection, no matter how you look at it. Thankfully I have a guy friend who was really excited to be asked to be a “bridesman” so I lucked out there. All this to say, I totally get how this feels & I’m sorry!

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