(Closed) My close friend turned down being in my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Someone can decline to be in a bridal party for whatever reason; I don’t think there’s any use in trying to dissect their reason or convince them otherwise. I don’t see the bridal party as the end all be all for supporting a friend’s wedding.

But I understand being upset if the friend did indeed say that OP has “ruined” the wedding for her. If she feels unable to stand within a few feet of her ex, then it was enough to say she isn’t comfortable being in the bridal party. I agree with lynnnie that her response sounds manipulative and suggests that OP should get her fiance to drop the ex from the wedding. It’s hard enough to be told no without also being told “I’d LIKE to, but it’s your fault why I can’t. So I’ll try my best to be involved in other ways even though you ruined it for me!”

Post # 47
8238 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This site is so interesting sometimes. Last week there was a thread about bms and a ton of people were saying they should step down or decline to be a bridesmaid if they didn’t feel like they could do it. 

This thread there are the same people shitting all over a bm for DOING EXACTLY THAT. Oy. 

OP, it sucks that she doesn’t want to stand up, and you are allowed to be hurt. But you aren’t allowed to judge her reasons as not good enough, no matter how much you think you know about her relationships. It sounds like she still wants to support you in other ways, which is great. I’d thank her and include her in whatever you do want her there, and if she declines (or anyone does), accept it gracefully. 

Post # 48
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
kenziewol :  Its highly recommended that you wait until close to a year to ask your bridal party because things change! Your friendships could be a little different a year from now – best friends can become more like acquaintances and acquaintances can become best friends. Even if you stay friends with someone their circumstances can change causing them to change their mind about being in the wedding. So I recommend not asking anyone else and not revisiting this conversation with your friend until May 2020. Who knows, by then maybe your friend will think its silly not to be in your wedding because of her ex

Post # 49
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Philadelphia, PA

If anything tests a friendship, it’s a wedding. Yes no one is obligated to be in your wedding. That’s what all the boards on here say and if they do accept, most agree you must not discomfort them in any way as they have a life outside of your wedding. To me I think it’s all bullshit. I think nowadays people just make everything about them and can’t suck anything up for their friend (the bride). What is supposed to be a wonderful time in your life and all about you, turns out to be all about them. It’s sad but true. A wise person once told me if I wanted my wedding to be about me and FH (elope) if not it’s all about everyone else and they are right! I am so sorry that she can’t put her own crap aside for one day to stand by you. You have every right to be upset but as others have stated, you can’t force her and you wouldn’t want to. Maybe she will come to her senses and realize your day isn’t about her and her uncomfortability but about standing beside her close friend as she celebrates one of the most important days of her life. I wish you all the best sweetie. 

Post # 50
4033 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
jellybellynelly :  I agree!  

And while OP has a reason to be upset, I think it’s very mature of your friend to be honest with you about the situation.

Post # 51
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think the oddest thing about this, is that she will still see him if she attends your wedding. BM’s and groomsman don’t typically have much interaction, especially if they aren’t walking together. Not to dismiss your friend’s reason, just an observation. Because if she’s planning to attend your wedding she will still have the issue of being in close proximity to her ex. My initial thought was that perhaps she still had feelings for him. However these other comments about her new boyfriend being controlling and the back and forth between boyfriends is much more concerning to me. Since your wedding isn’t for another two years, I would say let it rest for now and maybe wait until next May or so to revisit this. That’s plenty of time to include her with any plans and choosing a bridesmaid dress. She may or may not still be with her current boyfriend at that time. You can ask her again kindly if she still feels the same way, or if she’s broken up with her current boyfriend she might not hesitate. I would just be prepared to kindly accept her no if she still doesn’t want to do it and leave it at that. A lot can change in two years. 

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