(Closed) My co-worker's husband attempted suicide

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5112 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

That’s so sad and shocking for her. I can’t imagine ever being able to get that image out of my mind. Maybe he will recover and get help? Since you said “attempted” I assume he’s still alive, but then you said the “loss of her husband” so maybe not. Either way, she’s going to need a lot of support and therapy. 

My brother shot himself in the head in front of his girlfriend and her father on the front porch. Suicide is a terrible thing to deal with, but I just can’t imagine having to witness it. 

Post # 4
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

For him to do it in front of her seems particularly cruel and odd. There are reasons I’m sure you’ll never know. She’ll probably never know or understand. I think the most imporant thing is to just let her know you’re available. Don’t push. Also, it would do her a world of good to meet with a counselor or therapist when she’s ready. I would gently suggest it when the time is right. I can’t even imagine what she must be going through.

Post # 5
Member
9846 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Poor thing. I knew a girl once who was married to this man, they had been going through a rough patch and hadn’t been speaking for a few days. She went home to grab some things from their place and he was waiting there with a gun for her. He held her hostage for a few hours, threatening to kill her and then kill himself Eventually, he shot himself and left her unharmed. His family blamed her for their sons death and it was incredibly hard on her.

Now, a few years later, she is engaged to be married again to a man who is very kind to her and treats her well. I know what she went through was traumatic and i’m sure it’s impacted her life in a way we can never imagine but she was able to move on and have a happy, healthy, normal life and find love again. I hope it is the same for your friend and that not only can she move on to a happier life but also that her partner can recover and find some sort of normalcy and happiness again as well.

Post # 6
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

It is really quite tough to move on from this type of situation. Especially considering the fact she was present to see her husband do such a horrific thing. Did her husband pass away? I am unsure because of the title says he attempted. *EDIT* I see in the update that he is still alive. Your friend will still go through all of the emotions I described below.

I lost my Future Brother-In-Law about a year ago to suicide, he also shot himself. He sent out text messages to his friends and family saying goodbye and by the time the police arrived at his home he was gone. It has been extremely rough on the family. Your friend is probably going to be in extreme anguish in the coming months. It is hard to even describe the pain one feels after losing someone to suicide. It will be like a rollercoaster that she can’t get off of. Somedays will be okay, others you don’t want to get out of bed. She will be constantly thinking about this and try to figure out what she could have done.

The good news is, it does start to get better. Even with the rough days, as they pass, you feel a little stronger. You start to remember the person without always being sad. You start living your life as normally as you can. I suggest when your friend is ready to encourage her to seek therapy. It has helped a lot of my family members transition into a life without my Brother-In-Law and see that their grief is normal and things will improve.

I am so sorry that she is going through this. I wouldn’t wish this type of pain on anybody. It is impossible to convey into words the hurt she will go through. Just be there for her the best you can. The most helpful thing for our family was the people who came out to tell us they were sorry, that they were there to listen, and tell us the impact my Brother-In-Law made in their life.

Good luck, bee.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  mnbrides08.
Post # 7
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

In my last job I worked with a girl whose husband attempted to kill himself by taking an overdose of a cocktail of drugs.  It was unsuccessful and he was hospitalized and then transfered to the mental hospital when he was stable.  He had had a history of mental health issues.  They ended up divorcing.  Im really sorry that she has to go through this- im sure that was an awful thing to witness.

Post # 9
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

 

katbee1980:  said that this was a cruel act and I have to agree. I used to have a teacher who worked in the mental health field who said that there is a homicide or attempted homicide in every suicide. Sometimes people want to “kill” only parts of themselves, but realize that by doing that they need to kill ALL of themselves. It’s not an easy realization to come to when you wish it were only parts. Makes sense?

But other times people want to kill someone else, physically or emotionally. They want someone else to be damaged, recognize that they can’t do anything to them so they do it to themselves to hurt others. Think of someone who for instance thinks “once I’m dead so-and-so will know s/he was a terrible person/mom/friend/therapist/etc.” Logical reasoning would dictate that uh…maaaaaybe they’ll have that realization, but maybe they won’t. AND even if they did it’s not like you’d be around to gloat or revel in it, you know? 

So imho your coworker needs some therapy to come to the realization that divorce will be a good thing for her since his actions seem to have been aimed at also hurting HER. And being hurt with such brutality is unacceptable in any relationship. 

Anyway, just my 2 cents and obviously this is a gross over-simplification of a very complicated subject. Fwiw IME when people realize that the other person meant to hurt them (vs their pain was so great that they thought they could only end it by dying) it reframes the guilt and shame that accompanies so many “survivors” of suicide. 

The traumatic image of someone’s face being blown off in front of you, being there while you call the ambulance and all…your friend will need some serious therapy with someone who specializes in trauma! 

Post # 10
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

No words. It’s sad and awful enough that he attempted suicide, but the fact that he purposely did it in front of his wife makes it even worse. I hope she recovers mentally from what she saw.

As for him, I feel bad that he was in enough pain to attempt suicide, but the fact that he tried to use it as a way to punish his wife is very cruel, as katbee1980 said.

Post # 11
Member
11643 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

tessadub:  I have dealt with this and I don’t think you ever recover. I won’t get into details, but it’s cruel and manipulative to do this so others see or are deliberately made to feel guilty. 

it feels like crap, for sure. The best thing you can do for her is assure her that she has a right to live without the fear of this kind of cruel brutality. Threatening suicide is a biggie among abusers as well. There is no way to comprehend the selfish cruelty of someone who wants to punish their loved ones like this. It’s a highly angry and aggressive act to do this to hurt loved ones, in front of them or with a clear finger of blame pointed (not to suggest all suicide is this way).

Post # 12
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Your poor friend!  

A friend in college had her roommate attempt suicide in front of her.  Fortunately(?), the roomate did so by taking a ton of pills so my friend called an ambulance and everything was eventually sort-of okay.  They were never close again though and they had been besties.  

I hope your friends/coworker gets some counselling to help work through this.  That is a horrible thing for her husband to deliberately do in front of her.  

Post # 13
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am very sorry for this. My curiousity is why he waited to do it in front of her as PPs have stated. Most people I know that committed suicide often do it behind their family. She needs all the support she can get because more than not forgiving him, she might not forgive herself and she will keep on blaming herself.

As soon as he is better, I would suggest immediate help for himself but as for her, she would need therapy ASAP. As for you, please be there for your friend. That’s all you can do. 

Post # 14
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So sad.

There is often more going on with him then anyone will ever know, even his soon to be ex wife. There marriage could of been failing, the wife could of been cheating, there could of been an array of reasons why he chose to do it in front of her. Most people in their right minds would not kill themselves let alone do it infront of a loved one. He had serious issues that needed to be dealt with.

She should not feel guilty what so ever, a normal person’s reaction to problems in life is to not kill or attempt to kill oneself. But being someone that personally deals with mental illnesses it can get the best of you.

My brother did successfully shoot himself 3 years ago. He was dealing with bipolar disorder and drug addiction. Even with him being my brother I still dealt with guilt issues, wondering how I could of been there more for him.

Suicide (attempted suicide) is a very difficult situation to deal with and will always be, but people have to realize they aren’t responsible for other’s actions.

I personally do not think she should file for divorce so quicky. She needs to learn what was going on with him, and see if they can work through it. He needs to first go through therapy to get his self back on track and same with her, and talk about the ordeal. He luckly survived and has been given a second chance. Now his family knows he is dealing with issues and can help him.

Unfortunely most families do not get to help their loved one or know they were struggling with suicide thoughts until it’s too late and they are gone from Earth forever.

So I think the co worker needs to slow down and just figure out what was going on with her husband to prompt him to want to kill himself and why he chose to do it infront of her. She’ll be able to get answers that will help her through the recovery process that once again most families don’t get and have to live with the questions forever.

Post # 15
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

I want to add another perspective, a person who tries to commit suicide by shooting themselves in the head with a gun is in so much pain and feeling so much hopelessness that they can’t see anything but the comfort of finally not feeling that pain anymore.

OP stated that the neighbors saw him behaving erratically and probably trying to hurt himself that way on his motorcycle first. Then he may have decided to go in the house and try the gun. Sometimes people in that state want their loved ones to finally SEE their pain, finally HEAR what they’ve been saying in big and small ways all along. It was the act of a desperate man in an amount of pain that is nearly impossible for most people to fathom.

I understand that it’s terrifying, it FEELS cruel and very personal to a loved one who witnesses something like this, but it’s really not about HER at all. I had to learn this as an impressionable young child who felt like it was MY fault, that I was responsible somehow for my family member’s repeated suicide attempts. She ultimately succeeded and I HATED her for it. I thought she was selfish, cruel and weak.  But life has taught me that you can feel so much pain and be so convinced it’s hopeless, that you would gladly trade your life, just to make it stop. 

I forgive her and I’ve developed compassion for her in death that I never afforded her in life. She wanted to be out of pain and she wanted to be SEEN and HEARD. I finally SEE and HEAR. I pray that someone in this man’s family assists him in getting the help, therapy and medication he needs so he can have a fighting chance!

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