- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
After being on unemployment for 3 months, I started a new job in the mortgage industry on Monday. The first week was R-O-U-G-H.
I found the job through a staffing agency, and it’s an entry level position with good pay, awesome benefits, good atmosphere, etc. I have NO experience in this industry but no one at the company did when they started either. All of the current employees have reassured me of this 100X and so did the consultant at the agency. The training period is roughly 5 weeks and they’ve even said that it normally takes months before anyone fully catches on because there’s SO much to learn.
This should make me feel better about the fact that I feel as though I’m literally learning a new language, but it doesn’t. I feel incredibly stupid, slow, and useless and I’ve already had a few panic attacks at work because I don’t understand most everything.
This is probably because I got fired from my last job because even though I was hired as a receptionist, I was forced into an executive assistant to the CEO job after only being at the company for, like, 45 days. I had no experience with this type of thing and told them that I didn’t feel comfortable performing these duties (even though I did EVERYTHING that was asked of me). But they still fired me and told me that I needed to be in an environment with “more supervision” and that “gave me more time to learn at a slower pace.”
Wow, thanks. Why don’t you just tell me I’m a useless dumb ass flat out?
I know this isn’t true, but it really damaged my confidence. Now at this new job, I’m afraid that making a single mistake is going to get me fired.
And the idea of getting fired again (essentially FAILING miserably AGAIN) scares me so much that I can’t concentrate and I’m having, like, 3 panic attacks at work everyday.
I’m trying my best to relax and fight the panic, bit I can’t seem to do it. I can’t go to a therapist or anything because I don’t have insurance and my schedule won’t allow for it anyway.
Besides, I’ve been to 3 or 4 different therapist over the past 10-15 years and that didn’t help.
I’m a mess. I can’t concentrate and I’m actually having trouble retaining any info. or communicating effectively with people at work because I feel like such a horrible stupid loser because of the way they fired me at my last job.
I had confidence issues as a child and FINALLY tackled them at age, like, 17-20. It took me FOREVER to get any type of confidence at all, and I feel like all that effort and progress was erased in one swoop when I got fired.
I can’t take another 20 years to get my confidence back. I NEED this job! And I think I’d actually like it if I weren’t such an emotional freak.