(Closed) My cousin had a shower and I feel icky about it (vent)

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
3829 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Apple_Blossom:  no, that is a wedding. 

Post # 17
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yea – I just attended a later-in-life wedding. She had a shower. For me – it wasn’t the shower that offended. It was her registry. You can’t give the excuse of well someone else is hosting the shower…she didn’t say you have to bring gifts…etc. She made that registry. And it went on and on and on and on and on. She’s a sweet heart, and I was happy to buy something off of it to celebrate her. But I gave that registry some very serious side-eye in the privacy of my own home.

Post # 18
7457 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I disagree that age should be a factor. Why should someone who is older not get to celebrate in the same way as a younger bride? What if you’re 21 but you’re rich (family money or whatever) and can purchase your own items? No shower?

Post # 19
2069 posts
Buzzing bee

It seems to me that virtually everyone I know – well, everyone I know, who is getting married has lived on their own if not with their fiance for years and yet most of them still have a shower.  I think the tradition of a bridal shower needs some tweaking for modern times but at this point I don’t think its fair for people to look judge her having a shower just because she’s in her 30s and the items she ends up upgrading are already a step up from things maybe someone just out of college might be upgrading.  At this point it seems like a wedding shower is just something that results in me having to buy additional wedding gifts but it is what it is. 

Post # 20
2069 posts
Buzzing bee

I guess I find the whole shower concept somewhat offensive at this point.  Because someone has less they are more entitled to gifts than someone who has more?  Its not a charity event its a celebration.

Post # 21
2573 posts
Sugar bee

35 and first wedding ok…..35 and second marriage gift grabby to me. I don’t have an issue with age but after the first marriage showers are kinda questionable.


Post # 22
252 posts
Helper bee

Swizzle:  I couldn’t have said it better. If I hadn’t had a shower, I wouldn’t have had the stuff we needed to make a household because we weren’t living together beforehand. I mean, I would have saved up and bought things of course but I wasn’t upgrading as is soooo often the case nowadays.

I would decline a second marriage shower invite, personally. I don’t think it’s any reflection on the marriage, to be clear. I think it would be just as strange to have a second marriage bachelorette (which I’ve also never heard of.) I don’t think it’s the age part that matters either.

Also, you’re entitled to your feelings OP. 🙂

Post # 23
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was married before, had the big wedding and everything that went along with it. My second wedding was last year, 13 years after the first one and 9 years after my divorce. My first marriage ended because my husband found a new girlfriend who he wanted to marry instead.

I went through a lot of hard times in those 9 years, and I saw my wedding and shower (yes, I had a small one) as a celebration that I’d come through those struggles and now had something happy to celebrate. My friends and family wanted me to have the shower because they were happy for me, and no one that I know of thought it was odd. (If they did, they were welcome not to attend.) Plus, it was his first wedding, after his family thought he might not ever get married, so they deserved a chance to celebrate as well.

During all those years, I threw and attended countless showers for weddings and babies for my friends and family. I did that because I was genuinely happy for them. So when it was my turn, I didn’t feel bad about it; that’s just what you do for people you care about. It’s a chance for friends and family to share in and celebrate one another’s happiness.

Post # 24
9586 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If it offends you, don’t go. No one is forcing you.

I seriously don’t get why people who established themselves before getting married don’t “deserve” a shower. Let’s face it, nowadays there are very few brides who are actually just starting out in life as they get married. It’s a celebration of the bride.

Post # 25
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Showers left the realm of “tradition” at the same time as doweries and arranged marriages (in the Western world, anyways). Very few bridal showers now are actually thrown because the bride/groom cannot afford to provide for themselves. They are thrown more as a celebratory day for the bride. I find it slightly distasteful when a bride throws herself a shower, but beyond that, I don’t see why anyone should feel sour about one. No one is required to attend or to purchase an expensive (or any) gift.

My Fiance and I are 27 and 34 and have a good, established household income so I would not have had a shower if it were left up to me. But my aunt wanted to throw one, and it was a good opportunity to get to know my FI’s aunts and female cousins a little bit better, most of whom I’ve only met once before. 

Post # 26
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Fluffmallow:  totally agree

I could understand if her last wedding was recent but it was FIFTEEN years ago. Seriously, I could think of lots of other things to sit around and think about. Any showers I disagree with I don’t go to nor do I buy a gift. Easy.

Post # 27
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I held a shower for my friend who was marrying for the first time at 34. I guess she was somewhat “established”, but I didn’t really factor that in. It just seemed like the thing to do.

Post # 28
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Swizzle:  In my circle, yes, showers are about gifts, but they’re also about getting together with family and celebrating an upcoming wedding.

Traditionally women did not work outside the home, or even go to college. By your opinion, because I worked hard, graduated college, and am able to live on my own without the support of a man, I suppose no one should throw me a shower.

Perhaps in these modern times, no couple should have a shower- if they’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to take care of themselves.

Saying only young, poor couples deserve a shower makes it a charity drive. Once again, showers are not a charity drive.

Post # 29
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It is my first, but I will be nearly thirty, me and my partner have been together ten years and we have all our household items. 

Do I still get one?

Post # 30
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2022 - City, State

I agree OP,  which  is  why I am not having a shower.  Dear fiance  has  never been married before and I have been windowed. I have a house I  NJ that I just sold and fiance lives in our house in Florida. Two houses with twice the stuff… We  need nothing.  I would like to just have an engagement party with friends and family instead of a shower… No gifts please…But people can donate to a charity on lieu of gifts. 

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