My cousin is in a toxic/abusive relationship and I don't know what to do

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

coopersmama :  It sounds like your cousin has had ample opportunity to walk away from the situation and has not. She has to want to do that more than she wants to stay.

Have you or anyone else spoken to her about these concerns? How has everyone reacted to her distancing herself?

Post # 3
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

In regards to 4 and 5, they may have an open relationship or some sort of agreement. So while we may not agree its cool, this may be worked out between them.

Ultimately, she’s an adult and she can date whoever she pleases and until she is ready to admit there is a problem or leave him there isn’t much you can do. If I were you I would make it clear you are supportive of HER and that you are there should she ever want to talk about anything. But I think if you voice too much displeasure at her choice of relationship it will push her away and she won’t feel comfortable coming to you when shit goes south.

Post # 4
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

All you can do is make her aware that you’re there for her if she needs to talk or needs somewhere to stay if/when she finally has had enough and leaves.  If she knows she has a support network she’s more likely to be able to leave easily.  If she tries to talk to you about him, try saying something like “you know I love and support you, but you also know I do not think he is the right man for you so I don’t wish to hear about him.”  Rinse and repeat as often as need be.

Post # 5
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This doesn’t sound like abuse to me. It sounds like he is a selfish, immature ass and your cousin is either blind to it or accepts it. How has she been gone from the apartment for months on end and the wife is not involved in this little triangle? Something does sound odd…. 

be there to support her when this turns to shit. Which it will. From it she will learn and grow. Help support her when it is over so she can rebuild in a healthy way and be stronger for a time when she meets a good one

Post # 7
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Dating a married man and dating a man estranged from his wife who doesn’t even live with him are two different things.

Post # 9
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Ugh I was in a less extreme version of this scenario with my closest cousin. It’s super frustrating when you love someone so much and see what they deserve, but they don’t realize it themselves. At the end of the day, whether it be because of daddy issues (like my cousin), low self esteem, etc. There’s nothing you can do. You can only try to show them the light so many times before it starts to take its toll on you. She knows what she’s getting in her relationship and isn’t taking any steps to change things. So while it may not be an acceptable relationship for you or I, it’s working for her and there’s not much you can say/do without it compromising your relationship.

My cousins relationship was too much for me to watch and I blatantly told her I didn’t want to hear anything about him anymore. It’s really sad, our relationship was never the same. Sorry you’re going through this Bee 😔

Post # 10
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

He sounds like a liar and outright scumbag BUT…I don’t really see how he’s abusing her. She seems to be all in this relationship now, even knowing what she knows. That’s her prerogative. Yes, he is still married but it seems they are not actually together. While that may upset you, it seems your cousin feels differently about it. 

Post # 11
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

All you can really do is make sure she knows that you are there for her if she needs you. And if you find out later there is physical abuse going on or she is in danger, alert the authorities or give her a hotline/number to call. Don’t let her drama take up too much of your headspace. It’s her life and her choices and it has little to do with you.  

Post # 12
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

coopersmama :  Speaking of her weight gain what are the odds she is pregnant? 

This sounds so off and weird to me. So I would not doubt if there was some emotional abuse/brainwashing at play. It’s pretty powerful stuff that can happen slowly over time. It certainly sounds like a lot of my behaviors when I was in an abusive relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Speck_ :  wow, you don’t know anything about abusive relationships or the cycle of abuse, do you? 

Post # 14
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

It definitely doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship but all you can do is repeatedly let he know you are there for any kind of non-judgemental conversation. 

Post # 15
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

coopersmama :  when you’re in these kind of relationships the only person that can make that change is herself. Until she figures out what she’s really worth is when she will make the change. 

Does she recognize that she’s in an emotional abusive relationship? What has made her turn to such a big of guy? 

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