(Closed) My dad doesn't seem interested in my wedding at all

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sounds like my dad, except for the money issues. He’s essentially throwing his money at Fiance and I for the wedding but I refuse to accept it.

I think he’s upset about your engagement because maybe he hasn’t saved up as much money as he wants to for your wedding. Even if he has a great paying job now he may still be catching up on missed payments, loans, etc.

Have you asked him why he is acting this way?

Post # 4
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

If it makes you feel any better, my dad isn’t at all excited about it either. Granted, mine is still 10 months away, but he’s very unenthused by it all. That’s not to say he doesn’t approve or anything, he just doesn’t care about all the planning and everything. Neither side is chipping in a dime so that doesn’t apply to me.

Post # 5
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Dads don’t know what to do with daughters most of the time and it gets more awkward when their daughter is getting married.  Other than agreeing to walk me down the aisle, helping pay for the reception, and picking a song for the father-daughter dance, my dad and I didn’t spend much time discussing the wedding.  Did that mean he wasn’t emotionally invested in me?  No.  He got misty-eyed during the father daughter dance (I had to look away so I wouldn’t cry.)

Why don’t you sit down with dad the next time that you see him and ask him how involved he wants to be in wedding planning.  Your dad may also be uncomfortable or embarassed that he isn’t financially able to contribute to the wedding; that would be a good reason for him to avoid talking about the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@HeatherLM:  My dad is a very successful doctor who owns his own practice and who was mostly absent in my younger life. Like your situation, though, we became much closer recently. When I got engaged he called immediately, asked me the whole “How did he do it?” thing, and seemed genuinely happy for me.

 

That was four months ago. The only things I’ve heard from him since were (a) via text message and (b) they either wished me a “Happy Easter” or telling me I needed to get off of his add-a-line (cell phone).

 

Needless to say, I don’t have much contact with him and he doesn’t seem interested in it, either.

 

My stepmom (who I have known since I was four, so she’s practically my big sister) is more involved in/excited for my wedding, and they are now divorced <—which I know is a reason my father is anti-wedding.



My advice is, take out the loan, do it on your own, and don’t dwell on your father’s contributions (or lack thereof) toward the wedding. Yes, even if he did say he’d help out. Fiance and I are figuring out everything on our own, and we’re doing it just fine 🙂 (Sidenote: I am the bull-headed, stubborn, independent kind of person, though, who wants my SUCCESSFUL wedding to be a big “F*** You” to my father… I know, daddy issues).

 

I do struggle with the walking down the aisle thing… I think I’m going to ask my grandfather to do it, but I know that would kill my father. And I’m not that cold-hearted… I think.

Post # 9
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m kind of going through the same problems, except it’s with BOTH sides of parents. I think parents also have this dream of sending their daughters off to get married and paying for the wedding.. and when they can’t they feel ashamed about it. Just like any man, they don’t want to talk about it. My dad is recently retired and has no money saved for me or my wedding. My Fiance parents don’t plan on helping out because they have no money either. And honestly, no one seems excited either. I think the money thing comes into play and that they hope that they can always provide for their kids. It’s when it gets smacked in their face that they can’t do it anymore, they shut down. I hope this helps. I suggest getting a loan and try to pay off your own wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@HeatherLM:  Fiance respects my dad through and through, but he does wish he would be more supportive with this whole thing. My entire family has actually been a lot less supportive than I hoped… so much so that I may just cancel my wedding and get married in the courthouse. I feel like there will be family drama either way, but at least this way we don’t have to have it mar the most important day of our lives.

Maybe his credit isn’t good enough to take out a large enough loan? My mother can do it easily as she has stellar credit, but my dad can’t take out as big a loan as my mom can because his credit is just fair.

What I would suggest is to postpone the wedding as much as possible so you can pay for it yourself, without your dad’s contribution. Fiance and I have a pretty long engagement. We could do it tomorrow if we wanted to take our parents’ money, but we want to pay for it ourselves, so we’re waiting 2 or 3 years instead of doing it soon.

Post # 12
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@HeatherLM:  Honestly, it doesn’t bother me in the least bit. It’s my wedding, he just needs to be there, support our decision, and walk me down the aisle. I’m close with my dad but I never expected him to help financially or help plan anything. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me at all. We knew from the start that we would be paying for this 100% ourselves.

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like neither of you are communicating properly, and you’re getting mad at him for it, when it is a 2-way street.

It is up to you, as an adult, to let people know what your expectations are, when you are hurt, what your needs are, etc. The fact that you are communicating through your brother is a big red flag that there aren’t healthy communication patterns in place.

How about you just acknowledge that your dad has had a really hard time with things lately, and have a heart to heart with him so that you can BOTH support EACH OTHER instead of tearing him down for not being involved enough?

Post # 14
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@HeatherLM:  “but if we can take out a loan, I don’t know why he can’t

Also, just needed to comment on this. A wedding is a party. Asking someone who has an unstable job history to go into debt so that you can have a party is seriously losing track of what is important. You should be more worried about the stability of the family finances than about how much fancier a wedding your dad’s money can get you.

Post # 15
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

idk if i would expect dads to be super excited/interested in wedding planning. i know my dad cares/is helping us out financially, but he definitely hasn’t asked much about it.  he’s a guy lol

Post # 16
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

With the known job loss history, I’d guess that he’s catching up on a LOT of debt and missed payments.  Also, I find it more than slightly presumptuous that you’re saying he can go take out a loan for your wedding.  It’s not HIS wedding, it’s YOUR wedding!  It’s great when parents help, but you’re two grown people with jobs.  If you can’t afford it without a loan and you’ve had a year and a half to save, then maybe you should think about scaling back the wedding. 

If this was a post about not getting emotional support from him, or if he was generalyl negative towards you and your fiance, I’d have a lot more sympathy.  But all I’m seeing is a complaint that he’s not handing over cash.

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