Post # 1
Member
21 posts
Newbee
Need some help and support… I’ve been engaged for almost a year and a half, getting married in June. His family has been amazing and very positive about everything! They live about 14 hours away but are more involved than my family which is only 30 minutes away!
We’ve had a lot of issues with my family, mostly they are with my dad, who has not been supportive at all until just recently. But he only started to be more involved after my older brother contacted him when I called my brother very upset, telling him that Dad never asked about the wedding, didn’t call or text to ask how I was doing or ask me what he could do to help.. he has had several job losses during our engagement, but has a great paying job now. What’s weird is that my dad and me were a lot closer before I got engaged. His un-involvement seemed to happen after we got engaged…when my Fiance asked for hand in marriage, my dad even told him “please just give me some time to get on my feet financially and I will help.” That’s one of the reasons we’ve had a longer engagement. But we have gone months without talking at a time and my relationship with my dad has been rocky. I was debating on having my dad walk me down the aisle because he hasn’t seem interested in all in my life at all. He was acting like I wasn’t even engaged! I’d see him at my grandparents house for the holidays and he never mentioned the wedding unless I brought it up, but then was quick to defer the conversation to something else.
I spoke with him over lunch about my issues with him, why I am so hurt and he seemed to hear everything that I said. He asked me if I wanted him to give me away… I asked if he even wanted to! He said he did but his actions over the past year have said otherwise. We really do need him to contribute something to the wedding, otherwise my Fiance and I will have to take out a loan. I don’t want to make it about money, I need his support more than anything but I haven’t even gotten that. My Fiance thinks that if he doesn’t contribute something that he doesn’t deserve to walk me down the aisle. His parents are already paying for everything else, so we didn’t want to ask them for more money. I’d rather my dad be supportive but I can’t make him act like he cares… I think I would regret not having my dad walk me down the aisle, but part of me doesn’t think he even deserves to. And especially after he asked us to postpone our wedding until he could contribute, but he hasn’t offered to at all. I just don’t know what to do… has anyone else encountered something like this before?
Post # 3
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
Sounds like my dad, except for the money issues. He’s essentially throwing his money at Fiance and I for the wedding but I refuse to accept it.
I think he’s upset about your engagement because maybe he hasn’t saved up as much money as he wants to for your wedding. Even if he has a great paying job now he may still be catching up on missed payments, loans, etc.
Have you asked him why he is acting this way?
Post # 4
Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee
If it makes you feel any better, my dad isn’t at all excited about it either. Granted, mine is still 10 months away, but he’s very unenthused by it all. That’s not to say he doesn’t approve or anything, he just doesn’t care about all the planning and everything. Neither side is chipping in a dime so that doesn’t apply to me.
Post # 5
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Dads don’t know what to do with daughters most of the time and it gets more awkward when their daughter is getting married. Other than agreeing to walk me down the aisle, helping pay for the reception, and picking a song for the father-daughter dance, my dad and I didn’t spend much time discussing the wedding. Did that mean he wasn’t emotionally invested in me? No. He got misty-eyed during the father daughter dance (I had to look away so I wouldn’t cry.)
Why don’t you sit down with dad the next time that you see him and ask him how involved he wants to be in wedding planning. Your dad may also be uncomfortable or embarassed that he isn’t financially able to contribute to the wedding; that would be a good reason for him to avoid talking about the wedding.
Post # 6
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
@HeatherLM: My dad is a very successful doctor who owns his own practice and who was mostly absent in my younger life. Like your situation, though, we became much closer recently. When I got engaged he called immediately, asked me the whole “How did he do it?” thing, and seemed genuinely happy for me.
That was four months ago. The only things I’ve heard from him since were (a) via text message and (b) they either wished me a “Happy Easter” or telling me I needed to get off of his add-a-line (cell phone).
Needless to say, I don’t have much contact with him and he doesn’t seem interested in it, either.
My stepmom (who I have known since I was four, so she’s practically my big sister) is more involved in/excited for my wedding, and they are now divorced <—which I know is a reason my father is anti-wedding.
My advice is, take out the loan, do it on your own, and don’t dwell on your father’s contributions (or lack thereof) toward the wedding. Yes, even if he did say he’d help out. Fiance and I are figuring out everything on our own, and we’re doing it just fine 🙂 (Sidenote: I am the bull-headed, stubborn, independent kind of person, though, who wants my SUCCESSFUL wedding to be a big “F*** You” to my father… I know, daddy issues).
I do struggle with the walking down the aisle thing… I think I’m going to ask my grandfather to do it, but I know that would kill my father. And I’m not that cold-hearted… I think.
Post # 7
Member
21 posts
Newbee
@akirasan: I’m sorry your dad is like mine! It’s just not fair… what has your Fiance said about your dad and his actions?
You are right, maybe he is catching up on payments, etc. but if we can take out a loan, I don’t know why he can’t. Maybe I am bitter with him because when I was in college, my mom had saved money for my college funds and my dad spent it all when he lost yet another job. Now I have student loans because of it… I did ask him why he hasn’t acted like he cares and he said he has been stressed out with his new job. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else. He always finds a way to complain about something…
Post # 8
Member
21 posts
Newbee
@LiliKitty: I’m sorry your dad hasn’t been as involved either. It is very hurtful! I didn’t know how important it was for me that my dad be supportive until I got engaged… and not having that has made my happy time a little tainted. I hope that your dad comes around and becomes more involved. I wish dads would know that just asking how we are, how the plans are coming will actually go a long way..
Post # 9
Member
21 posts
Newbee
I’m kind of going through the same problems, except it’s with BOTH sides of parents. I think parents also have this dream of sending their daughters off to get married and paying for the wedding.. and when they can’t they feel ashamed about it. Just like any man, they don’t want to talk about it. My dad is recently retired and has no money saved for me or my wedding. My Fiance parents don’t plan on helping out because they have no money either. And honestly, no one seems excited either. I think the money thing comes into play and that they hope that they can always provide for their kids. It’s when it gets smacked in their face that they can’t do it anymore, they shut down. I hope this helps. I suggest getting a loan and try to pay off your own wedding.
Post # 10
Member
21 posts
Newbee
@beachbride1216: You bring up some good points, thank you! Maybe you are right, that I need to sit down with him again and ask. I guess I’m just so hurt and angry with him. The wedding is only 47 days away! I did meet him for lunch a few weeks ago and we talked things out. It’s just getting down to the wire, I’d hoped that he would come to me instead of me seeking him out every time.
Post # 11
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
@HeatherLM: Fiance respects my dad through and through, but he does wish he would be more supportive with this whole thing. My entire family has actually been a lot less supportive than I hoped… so much so that I may just cancel my wedding and get married in the courthouse. I feel like there will be family drama either way, but at least this way we don’t have to have it mar the most important day of our lives.
Maybe his credit isn’t good enough to take out a large enough loan? My mother can do it easily as she has stellar credit, but my dad can’t take out as big a loan as my mom can because his credit is just fair.
What I would suggest is to postpone the wedding as much as possible so you can pay for it yourself, without your dad’s contribution. Fiance and I have a pretty long engagement. We could do it tomorrow if we wanted to take our parents’ money, but we want to pay for it ourselves, so we’re waiting 2 or 3 years instead of doing it soon.
Post # 12
Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee
@HeatherLM: Honestly, it doesn’t bother me in the least bit. It’s my wedding, he just needs to be there, support our decision, and walk me down the aisle. I’m close with my dad but I never expected him to help financially or help plan anything. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me at all. We knew from the start that we would be paying for this 100% ourselves.
Post # 13
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
It sounds like neither of you are communicating properly, and you’re getting mad at him for it, when it is a 2-way street.
It is up to you, as an adult, to let people know what your expectations are, when you are hurt, what your needs are, etc. The fact that you are communicating through your brother is a big red flag that there aren’t healthy communication patterns in place.
How about you just acknowledge that your dad has had a really hard time with things lately, and have a heart to heart with him so that you can BOTH support EACH OTHER instead of tearing him down for not being involved enough?
Post # 14
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@HeatherLM: “but if we can take out a loan, I don’t know why he can’t
Also, just needed to comment on this. A wedding is a party. Asking someone who has an unstable job history to go into debt so that you can have a party is seriously losing track of what is important. You should be more worried about the stability of the family finances than about how much fancier a wedding your dad’s money can get you.
Post # 15
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
idk if i would expect dads to be super excited/interested in wedding planning. i know my dad cares/is helping us out financially, but he definitely hasn’t asked much about it. he’s a guy lol
Post # 16
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
With the known job loss history, I’d guess that he’s catching up on a LOT of debt and missed payments. Also, I find it more than slightly presumptuous that you’re saying he can go take out a loan for your wedding. It’s not HIS wedding, it’s YOUR wedding! It’s great when parents help, but you’re two grown people with jobs. If you can’t afford it without a loan and you’ve had a year and a half to save, then maybe you should think about scaling back the wedding.
If this was a post about not getting emotional support from him, or if he was generalyl negative towards you and your fiance, I’d have a lot more sympathy. But all I’m seeing is a complaint that he’s not handing over cash.