(Closed) My dad gave me an ultimatum and I’m upset….I need some advice please =(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I hate to rain on your parade, but in the grand scheme of things, is this such a big deal? If so, then stick to your guns and find a new song.

If it’s not all that important to you, let your dad have his wish for the day- you’re likely in charge of so many. There may come a time where you regret it if you don’t have a daddy-daughter dance at all. 

Post # 5
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ok.  here’s one thing your dad is right on..You usually dance FIRST with the dad or mother of groom and groom BEFORE the dance with your Husband.  It is a tip of the hat or nod to the parents being there first.

How about borrowing my song I danced to with my father?  He passed away 10 years ago this summer and I have the sweetest memories of dancing with him..it’s "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.  The lyrics are what make it even more beautiful.  Each time I hear it, now that he’s no longer going to be able to walk down the aisle with me or dance with me or whisper in my ear "you did good after all you went thru", I want you to have it.

Trust me, looking back after my dad is gone, things like this will fall by the wayside.  One day you, like me, will look back with a tear in your eye and remember the day that you and your dad danced together and tell your children about it or watch it in a dvd.  All I have is the dvd now.  Nothing is worth a fight with somebody who loves you very much. 

We lost him 10 months after I gave birth to my son.  The last few lines of the song now make me choke up when I hear it, but I wish you THIS fond memory and the love I have when I think of my dad and that song and that day as he whispered to me "You’re the most beautiful woman in the world..and my daughter".

Here’s the lyrics of the song that we shared:

What a Wonderful World

  <table border=”0″ cellpadding=”5″ width=”100%”><tbody><tr><td>see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world. </td></tr><tr><td>

watch this video on you tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk9ItaDWxgk

</td></tr></tbody></table>

Post # 7
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

I’m torn. On one hand I want to say "just dance to his song and cut it short," but it sounds like you’ve been giving in for 23 years and it’s clear that you really do not want to dance to this song. At some point you have to put your foot down and choose to progress to a more adult/adult relationship with your parents, rather than the child/adult relationship you’ve had your whole life. For you, this may be the right time to stand on your own and say that you understand that he likes this song, but it’s your special day and the song makes you uncomfortable, that you’d be happy to choose another song with him, but if not then you understand his position and you will sacrifice the father/daugther dance.

I had power struggles (for lack of a better term) with my parents when I was in my early 20’s, but at the end of the day I’m glad we did because we have a much more mature relationship now and I don’t feel like I’m always trying to please them (not that I don’t still want to make them proud or happy).

This is your wedding to your fiance so I think it ultimately comes down to having a conversation with your fiance and asking yourselves "what will make US happy?"

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I hope everything works out ok.

Post # 8
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Tell your dad he’s being a DADZILLA.

Yeah, sappy all-too-appropriate songs at weddings annoy me too. I asked my dad and he just asked my mom, who already suggested some Martina McBride song about daughters. Yuck. I hate country.

Post # 9
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Print out this..and let him read it..maybe that might work.

But definitely, my friend, give in on the point of having daddy daughter dance FIRST.  And print off my suggestion of doing that too!

We’re in both of your corners. And fwiw, my dad didn’t like Elton either, but I love him.  This song was one we both liked. 

So let him know that he can have Robert and J’s song..and we’re passing it down to you..but make sure you pass it along to another..keep the love and happiness alive always..it is a wonderful world! 

Post # 10
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ejs — I’m with you and agree,it is important. I think that because you both are so passionate about finding the right song, it proves how important it really is! I also do not care for "Daddy’s Little Girl" not my style and not the type of song I would think of my dad when I hear it. What kind of music does he like? Here are a few more "classic" options… "Unchained Melody" by Righteous Brothers or Elvis "Best of My Love" by the Eagles, "Count on Me" by Jefferson Starship, "Have a Little Faith In Me" (tons of people have sang this one from Huey Lewis to Mandy Moore), "Stand By Me" Ben E King… would any of those work?

 

 Also, maybe a few other bees could help out on the order of dances. I have never been to a wedding where the newlyweds didn’t dance first. I’ve actually been under the impression that is poor etiquette to begin dancing before the couple does. Usually the father/daughter dance is a few songs into the reception. 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

i bet your dad’s been thinking about this moment for a long time too.  its probably a big deal to him,  if i were you i would tell him that your upset about being given an ultimatum but if i were you, i’d let him pick the song.  in the grand scheme of the day, it sure would be nice for him to have something special too.  5 yrs from now you certainly wont look back and say "i wish i picked the song"- you’ll just remember it as a very sweet moment between daughter and dad.  

i think we should pick our battles.  and is this something you really want to battle over. 

Post # 13
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Ugh, I sympathize — I *loathe* sappy songs.  Which is not to judge or be mean to anyone who picked ultra-sentimental songs for their own weddings!  But I completely understand feeling like you’ll just die of embarrassment if you have to dance to "Daddy’s Little Girl" in public. (My fiance, on the other hand, loves sappy songs.  Needless to say we don’t have a first dance song yet!)

It sounds like your dad is being obnoxious and stubborn about this, and combined with your hatred for the song, I get where you’re coming from.  I would wait a few days or even a few weeks to let the worst of the hurt feeligns die down, then try gently pointing out that he’s being difficult — say something like, "Dad, I was hoping we could pick out something we both liked, and it hurts my feelings that you rejected all of the suggestions I sent.  Will you really refuse to dance with me at my wedding unless it’s to Michael Bolton’s ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’?"

If he sticks to his guns, I hate to say this, but I’d give in too.  It could be that he and your mom honestly adore the song and think it’s perfect, but aren’t comfortable admitting it and are trying to hide behind the "we don’t want to listen to any more songs" excuse.  Or maybe he feels unhappy about the idea of "losing you" and is lashing out this way.  Whatever his reasons for being so passionate about this (admittedly totally sappy) song, I agree that 25 years from now, you’ll be much more likely to regret not dancing with your dad than not having a song you liked.

If he’s open to other suggestions, play Tom Petty’s "Wildflower" for him — that’s our parent/child dance song (my dad hates to dance and asked not to be alone on the dance floor with me!) and I think it’s sweet, classic, but not hideously saccharine.

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Here’s my opinion, and it’s just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt:

Yes your dad is being obnoxious and yes Daddy’s Little Girl isn’t the greatest song (btw, it’s what my dad and I are dancing to. And for sure not what I would have chosen. And since I gave him total control I can’t complain). But have you stopped to consider that maybe your dad is having a hard time dealing with the fact that his little girl is grown up enough to be getting married? And that logically, he understands your 23 but in his mind, you’re still HIS little girl. So, by dancing with you first, then passing you off to your husband, he will be publicly showing the world that he is letting you go. 

My opinion, just suck it up and dance to the song he wants to dance to. But if it really bothers you that much, try to sit down with your dad and have a rational discussion. Maybe you can get online together, listen to a bunch of songs, and pick a song together instead of you suggesting songs and him just shooting them down right off the bat. 

Good luck! I hope you and your dad can come to a good compromise.

Post # 15
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I know you’ll hate this.but my husband is picking the song for the father daughter dance. I think it’s his right. It’s a statment about how he feels about his daughter and if it’s sappy …so be it. My daughters Ok with this.  I think you need to be too. (right now My Girl is #1 on his list but that might change)

Post # 16
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wow, you are getting a lot of different opinions here!  This is what I think:  you are suggesting comprimise, while your dad is suggesting that there is only one way to do things.  His way.  So I think that you are handling yourself well, and are in the "right," if you want to think about it that way (though "right and wrong" might not be the most helpful way to look at it).

 So, with that in mind, where do you go from there?

 Being the sort of girl that I am, I really bristle at the idea that you should just give into him, especially since he is being so "my way or the highway."  I think he should accept the proposal of comprimise.  It is the right thing for him to do.  I also suspect that you have been dealing with his approach to things for a long time.  Surely this isn’t the first time he has behaved like this.  So I bet you’re thinking, "Ugh, another thing!"

 But the reality is that he probably isn’t going to give in.  So I think what you have to decide for yourself is whether it is more important for you to 

a) stand your ground

b) have a father-daughter dance

 Maybe if you can push all the other stuff to the side and just think of it as simply a decision between A and B, it will help you.

 Good luck — I totally sympathize and hear where you’re coming from.  And for what it’s worth, it sounds like you’re handling yourself really well.

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