(Closed) My Dad has Hijacked my Proposal…?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This is a tough spot to be in but I’ll speak from my experience for all it’s worth.

I also had a somewhat iffy relationship with my father. We did the “respectful thing” and had my then Fiance ask for my hand/approval. My father insisted on it, and my hubs  (a legit respectful guy) felt it was the “proper” thing to do.

Fast forward to now, and it is one of our greatest regrets.  I ask myself why in the world we felt like it was a MUST? Why? We both hate that we just went with the motions. It was a major ego stroke for him, another way for him to have his manhood affirmed, to control things, and it was just stupid. I am not a hateful person but it makes me cringe to think I gave him that satisfaction. I could slap myself that’s how annoyed I am with myself about it. Hubs went out of his way to do it too!

I think that it should depend on the relationship you have with your dad, not on a duty to fulfill traditions or to make your dad happy. What the eff kind of approval can he actually give after meeting your SO for an hour anyway? Do you even value your father’s opinion of your SO? What if he were to say “no I don’t approve” would you actually listen? I wish someone had said this to me when I was in your shoes.

Oh and I personally wouldn’t give a hoot about the opinion of someone who SUED ME.

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by  .
Post # 17
Member
7933 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your fiance is seeking the approval of a man who sued his future wife? (correct me if I got that wrong).  WTF?

Post # 19
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
missjz:  You need to call your father and tell him nicely to go fart in his hand. 

This is about control and making you dance to his tune.  Unless he has some valid reason for withholding his blessing – say you had met your Fiance last week or he was abusive to you – he’s being ridiculous.  This is doubly so since you’re not close and he sued you at one time.

You are an adult and have made the choice to marry your Fiance. Asking your father’s permission/blessing was a mere formality and a show of respect.  He actually has no power to prevent your marriage unless you give it to him which I assume you have no intention of doing.  If he doesn’t recognize this, or appreciate the gesture, well, that’s unfortunate and absolutely not your problem.

I suggest you call and tell him that you will not be visiting.  If he wants to talk to your Fiance, he can call.  Remind him that your Fiance was being respectful in seeking his blessing and that while you both hope he gives it, his refusal will change nothing. 

Post # 23
Member
42 posts
Newbee

Um, your own father SUED you? Why would you even want him in your future childrens’ lives? Forget that shit.

Post # 24
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

after reading all your responses, I think the major problem at this point is that your Fiance is not on your side about shrugging off your dad’s approval, since he’s using it as a power trip.

your Fiance should not be putting your dad’s controlling BS above your happiness. He is the one you need to talk to. you sound smart and emotionally intelligent so I would say just sit him down and lay it out.

Post # 26
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

What would happen if you wait several more months and then your dad tells him no?  If your Fiance is close to his family, I can understand why he thinks asking your dad is important.  But he needs to realize that your family is not ideal and you do not (and probably will not) have a good relationship with them.  Your dad was suing you over something??!  Come on.  It’s time to move on with your lives.  Have a heart-to-heart with your Fiance and hopefully he will come around to the reality of this situation.  It’s completely unreasonable to continue this farce with your father.

Post # 27
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
missjz:  Seriously? You are not your father’s property. Your fiance can do whatever he wants without your father’s approval.

I’m closer with my dad than you are with yours and my Fiance didnt’ ask my father’s approval as we’re adults and independent from our parents, so we can make our own choices without seeking approval from anyone. 

Post # 28
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
MrsBuesleBee:  I agree. He’s just using this as an opportunity to bully.

Post # 29
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
missjz:  I think your Fiance is feeling pressured to comply to some kind of macho hierarchy.  He probably thinks your Dad just wants to vet him to ensure his daughter is marrying a good guy and your Fiance wants to show him that you are. Your Fiance probably also feels, rightly, that your Dad is going to make a federal case out of his not complying with his request and your Fiance would rather do what he wants now than have years of bad blood between them.  Men typically hate confrontation and prefer to avoid it.  I don’t think this has to do with being on your side or not.

This is why I think you should take it upon yourself to put a stop to this.  Take your Fiance out of the equation completely.  Let your father know that YOU are refusing his demand and why.  Remind him you both want his blessing but that as a grown, independent woman, you have made your choice in a husband and he needs to respect your right and ability to do so. 

Post # 30
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
Zhabeego:  That’s an interesting thought. I like the idea of the OP taking control of the situation.

The topic ‘My Dad has Hijacked my Proposal…?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors