(Closed) My Dad is refusing to come to my wedding.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
47414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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juanita.kelly.9 :  So, in your opinion, it’s ok for him to hurt his daughter because his daughter’s mother hurt him?  I feel for the people who have to live in your kind of world.

Post # 17
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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julies1949 :  

 

I am saying I can understand his hurt, and that he thinks he should be the only one walking her down the aisle.  As far as I can tell, he did nothting wrong.

 

No, he is not childish, it is insensitive to call him childish.

Post # 18
Member
47414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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juanita.kelly.9 :

Been there. Done that.

I left my first husband because he was unfaithful multiple times.It would never occur to me to hurt my children by refusing to have involvement with their Dad at their weddings. He is still their Dad.

I am not criticizing his feelings. They are what they are. I am criticizing his taking out his feelings towards his ex-wife on his daughter. That is childish and hurtful behavior.

Post # 19
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I’m with 

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julies1949 :  on this. I could understand more if it was a recent hurt but over 20 years ago? Punishing you for your stepdad and mom’s actions is exactly what he’s doing, whether he means to or not. He doesn’t have to like the guy but he should be able to be an adult about the situation. 

That said, maybe you could have the traditional father/daughter dance with only your bio dad? That way he has his special moment with you?

Post # 20
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

This type of reaction is the same to me as your Mom saying she wouldn’t go to the wedding if your Dad walked you down the aisle, because it undermined her role in raising you.  I think its 100% selfish and totally wrong of him and his family to not come to your wedding because you would like your stepfather to join your father in walking you down the aisle. 

I would urge you to tell your dad how heartbroken you will be if he choses not to come, but do not change your plan.  I hope that your day goes well and your dad and his family get their heads out of their asses.  Hugs!!!

Post # 21
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

 I agree with the others on here that he’s being childish and not putting your needs first. Relationships end, and regardless of why – it’s been two decades, and everyone seems to be happy with their current spouses. You shouldn’t have to suffer for the drama in your parents past. Weddings do tend to bring out the drama in families. I also strongly believe that when it’s your party, you should do whatever you guys want as a couple – not what other people want of you.

That being said, I think you need to think very carefully about what you want and weigh the consequences. Are you going to be ok with you father and his side of the family not attending? Are you prepared for your relationship with your biological father to potentially be damaged forever?

Is there another way you could include your step father in the wedding while having only your dad walk you down the aisle? He could be your witness when you sign the license, or do a reading. You could also ask him and your father to each give a speech at the wedding. Only you know what you’re willing to accept in the long term.

Post # 23
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

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gwenniebee :  I could have written this post!!  My parents divorced when I was three and my mom immediately remarried, giving me a stepfather.  I was raised primarily by my stepfather but have a relationship with my biological father as well.  Ideally (like you) I would have them both walk me down the aisle but I know for a fact my my bio dad (who is still bitter) would never agree to such.  I considered having my brother walk me down the aisle but have decided that I am going to go solo. I will invite both dads to my wedding and I hope they will set their feelings aside for one day and attend but I am truly not sure they will.  It is sad!  But we are all adults and they have the right to decline if they wish.  Do not let it ruin your day!!

Post # 24
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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brunette7285 :  But she has decided who she’d like to walk her down the aisle, the two men who have helped raise her and showed her love and support.  Why should picking both invalidate each of their contributions?

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juanita.kelly.9 :  Chosing to not participate in your daughters wedding because you are either a) upset you are not getting all of the “credit” for parenting because you won’t be the sole person walking her down the aisle Or b) upset with a choice his wife made, not his daughter.  Both of those are not only childish but also selfish.  

 

Post # 25
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would walk alone.  

Post # 26
Member
410 posts
Helper bee

There is a King Solomon/ split the baby thing going on here.

(Two mothers claim the same child is theirs, the king says to cut the child in half so that the two may each own the child. One mother conciedes the child to the other so long as they promise not to hurt him while the second mother wants to continue with the cutting in half plan. The king concludes that the first woman was the true mother because she selflessly wanted to spare her childs life – sorry if everyone knew this)

Soo, roundabout back to your post: your bio-dad is really acting like the false parent in this situation. He is not putting the interest of his child first and would rather see them hurt to fulfil his own mandate. Now of course I’m not saying that he’s not actually a parent to you, but in this particular situation I would regard him as certainly not acting like one.

If you are comfortable with it, I wouldn’t back down from your choice. You’ve made yours and now he can make his. Tell him how important he is to you and that you will really miss him if he isn’t there but that you ultimately understand that this is his choice to make. I would hope he can step up and put your happiness before his own issues. They don’t have to sit together, they don’t have to be friends, but for 2 minutes they need to walk together to acknowledge the roll that they both have had in shaping your life.

I really hope this works out for you!

(Also, sorry if this got a little loopy- I have a terrible cold and may have had a titch too much cough syrup lol!)

Post # 27
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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silvalia :  All I am saying is it sounds like her dad is pretty stiff on this, so it seems like it will have to be a choice for her because that’s what her bio dad is forcing. Either it’s just me walking you down the aisle, or I’m not coming to the wedding. I didn’t say picking both invalidated contributions? Not sure where you got that.

Post # 29
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

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gwenniebee :  I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you find a solution. Maybe you could have your stepdad walk you half way, and biological dad finish the walk?

Post # 30
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

I can understand the hurt, but if everyone has moved on and you have essentially had two father figures in your life, you should be able to allow them to play those roles. I think it’s quite lovely that you would think to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Have you talked to you dad and said that he is still very much your dad, but you have a step dad who has provided for you as well that cannot replace him, but has been a large role in your life since you were a young child? Maybe if he understands why, it would help?

Alternatively, have you thought about asking only your dad? Would your step dad be offended if only your father walked you down the aisle? I think this is something that most fathers look forward to. I know my dad would not repsond well if I said I wanted both my mom and dad to walk me down the aisle, because it is his moment with his daughter. The last moment with her before his daughter is a married woman. It is a tender moment.

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