(Closed) My DAD left me at the altar. What would you do? Am I wrong? I'm so hurt.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do if this was your father?
    Keep up your walls until he straightens out his life, depression, drinking, etc : (185 votes)
    70 %
    Call him and talk, forgive him, he might harm himself or backslide if you push him out : (7 votes)
    3 %
    Write him a letter with guidelines of what needs to happen if he wants to be in your life : (63 votes)
    24 %
    Other, explain below : (10 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    380 posts
    Helper bee

    Oh man, he sounds somewhat like my own father – I don’t have much advice though, sorry. I voted to “Keep up your walls until he straightens out his life, depression, drinking, etc”. He doesn’t deserve to have the same name as you, I’d consider changing your name if you feel it’s the right thing to do. Your Darling Husband is the only man you need in your life now. I’m sorry you’re going through this ๐Ÿ™

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    879 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @LuluInLove:  Gosh, I’m SO sorry to hear how your Dad has treated you. I can hear how incredibly sad and hurt you are in your post, and you have every right to be. There sounds like there’s a lot of grief you need to work through. I’m sending you lots of hugs and support as I have a mother who is narcissistic myself, I do understand x x

    Post # 5
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee

    So sorry to hear you’ve been going through this especially so close to your wedding. I voted for wrtitng him a letter and explaining how you feel. I’m estranged from my family and many people have adviced me the same. I’d love to say it worked out well for me but I’ve not actually sent the letter yet but I did find the whole putting pen to paper thing helped me a lot to settle things in my head and calm me down about the situation.

    Also when you write something down you know it’s there forever so it can put some perspective on what you want to say and a re-read can help you decide what’s essential and what’s just something you may regret saying.

    Sending you hugs anyway

    Post # 6
    Member
    719 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

    Sounds like my father, unfortunately. Hard as it was, the greatest thing I’ve ever done is walk away from that “relationship” (not that there was much there to begin with). It hurts when you put in so much emotional effort and get none in return, and the constant disappointment is hard on your self-esteem. It’s been five years since I’ve spoken with my father, and I can honestly say that I’m in a much better place because of it. He’s sent me a few sporatic facebook messages, but he hasn’t made any real effort to mend the relationship – and I think that speaks volumes. My advice would be to keep the distance, and put the onus on him. Until (IF) he realizes the trouble he put you through, and makes efforts to repair that damage, then you can begin to repair / build your relationship. If not, the distance will buffer you from getting any more hurt.  As far as the name goes, I changed mine to my mother’s maiden name when I cut contact with my father, so I’m not much help there. Maybe it might be useful to think of the supportive/positive members of your father’s family when you deliberate on the name…

    Congratulation on your marriage, honey. May you and your husband have a loving, supportive, and honest relationship. xo

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    75 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It sounds to me like your father is very self centered, he’s been used to you being there and forgiving him time after time. Personally i’d cease all contact with him, when he realises you’re not at the end of the phone, willing to make excuses and forgive his selfish actions, he might realise just how important you are in his life. People like him never change until they think they have lost important (although they may not realise that at the time) people in their lives. big hugs, i feel for you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1348 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I don’t really have any advice, but I am incredibly sorry that he did this to you! I am angry just from reading your post. He sounds like an ass.

    When I was reading, I kept thinking how he was putting this toxic girlfriend’s rent above your wedding. Umm, she’s a grown woman who is responsible for her own rent. He should have had the flights booked in advance anyway so that they weren’t so expensive, and i’m sure he could have arranged SOMETHING for his dogs! I have 3 dogs and 4 horses and am very hesitant to ever leave them because not many people know how to look after horses well, but I have left them before for less important things than my child’s wedding. There are boarding kennels and pet hotels for dogs. His priorities sound incredibly messed up, and his comment to your sister is HORRIBLE! WTF?!

    I’d probably cut him out of your life, or at least do the letter thing/keep your walls up.

    Again I’m really sorry this happened to you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    (( HUGS )) to you…

    What a horrible experience…

    Totally understandable your views on this…

    Ya it would take a lot for me to want to talk to him if I was in your shoes !!

    Funny tho how sometimes “fate” intervenes… I think that taking your Hubby’s Surname now is a good idea.

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    738 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I just have to say, about the ‘call him he might backslide’ option – this man is NOT your responsibility. If he does backslide it is not your fault. He is a grown man. I’ve had a fucked up codependent relationship with my own father, so I understand the impulse to care for him. I believe someone else said this – you have a new man in your life now. Your husband can’t be your father, but he can and should be the man that you look to. I think taking his name is a good way to start this new chapter in your life.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1358 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I too have a bit of a toxic relationship with my father. While he didn’t “stand up” my wedding, I decided a long time ago to make our relationship civil and polite, but I make no attempt to contact him or include him in my life. You have to let go of any guilt or obligation you feel and accept that if he wants to be a part of your life, he will make an effort to do so. If he doesn’t, then he’s not worth the pain and agonizing he’s put you through.

     

    You’re a newlywed! I know this is like a dark cloud over you right now, but try to enjoy being married to your husband. Celebrate, spend time together, plan a trip or how you’ll celebrate your anniversaries. How many times do you get to be a newlywed?

     

    ETA: I sincerely considered taking on my mom’s maiden name when I got married, no hyphen. I took DH’s instead. My father’s whole family is toxic, and I wanted some distance between me and that name.

    Post # 13
    Member
    8042 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @LuluInLove:  Sorry to hear about all this ๐Ÿ™

     

    My father isn’t a wonderful guy either. He’s been out of my life since I was 14. If I were you, I wouldn’t be at his beck and call anymore. It sounds like he’s been taking advantage of your generosity for far too long.

     

    It’s painful, but sometimes bad people need to be cut out… for our own sakes.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @LuluInLove:  I’m sorry you’re going through this ๐Ÿ™

    I voted other because I htink at this point you should not only have walls up until he straightens out, but all together. When you thought he was getting better it turned out he wasn’t so why should you trust and let him back in ever again?

    Women tend to have this need to solve the problems at their own expense (I do this too) and I think it would be better for you to hurt now and cut him out of your life, then for you to leave an opening for him to come back later.

    Regarding the name change issue for you… can you take your Mother’s Maiden name? Maybe that would be a way to keep your idenity and detach from your father ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 15
    Member
    2759 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think you’ve already gotten a lot of good advice but I really think you need to cut him loose. I know it’s hard, but this man is toxic to you and has not only purposefully hurt you but feels NO shame about it. To imply you aren’t sharing photos because you’re fat without even contemplating it could be because of HOW MUCH HE HURT YOU?

    Gah. I’m so sorry he did this and you had to go through this. Focus on you – your life, your new husband, your new family. And leave the past in the past, let him wallow in his poor life choices.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @LuluInLove:  He is being a manipulative child.  I would take a month or two to re-evaluate the relationship you have with him now versus the ideal relationship you would like to have with him.  Then I would write him a letter telling him how much you love him but you are disappointed in his behavior in regards to your wedding (and anything else specifically.)  I would also include expectations (only 2-3) for your relationship going forward (i.e. for him to be honest with you.)  Be clear that you are done supporting his selfish behavior and you will not force him to be in your life; he must choose whether he wants to be in yours.

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