(Closed) My Dad may Pass Before My Wedding – Thoughts Appreciated

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

My experience is a little different, my dad died in 1989 after a 3 year illness that was heart failure, not cancer, but it was the same in that it was a long slow decline. Also, I was not planning a wedding, had no boyfriends. My father’s illness consumed our lives. 

That is my point, there isn’t anything bad about having the wedding when you want to, but when my dad was dying, I can’t imagine having the time, the inclination, the heart to also be planning a happy day. And it should be a happy day, when I think of having a big wedding while my dad was in his last days it would have been horrible not happy. My mother would not have even attended, as she was stuck like glue with my dad for months at the end.

Since you are married now, and your dad was there, that is a great thing. That is the best thing I can recommend. That was your real wedding, regardless of any party you put on or dress you wear. If it were me and there were no financial sticking points I would cancel this wedding in May, and have a reception only, come clean about the ceremony for your father, and have a good time. 

Post # 17
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hugs, Bee. This is so sad. 

The decision to celebrate versus cancel is a tough one and deeply cultural. For example, when I was an instructional aide I remember having a student from Estonia who did not attend his college graduation due to his mother’s sudden passing, because it is inappropriate to celebrate anything during a time of mourning. So I can’t tell you what to do. 

I’m assuming you are close with your parents so think hard about what they would want. If it were my father I’d need to go through with the wedding or he’d haunt my ass for the rest of my life over all those non-refundable deposits. He’s very big on fiscal responsibility. Your dad might want you or not want you to celebrate based on his values. And your mom might welcome a happy distraction or need to be alone with her feelings. Worst case, ask them directly.

Post # 19
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I know a couple who moved up their wedding due to the groom’s mother being very very ill (it came on quite suddenly in the midst of the wedding planning). They moved it up 3-4 months so that she could attend. Sadly, she passed the week before the new wedding date. They were able to honor her at the wedding. 

I think that because your Dad has expressed his wishes wanting you to continue, keep planning for your 5/13 date. I know that’s what my Dad would say as well in this situation. And it is so wonderful you got to do a small ceremony with him present, I’m sure that meant the world to him and you to be able to share that. Hugs to you and your family during this difficult time. 

 

Post # 20
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Cancer sucks.. I am so sorry you and your family are having to go thru this.

Post # 21
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
Park3NYC :  Bee, this just breaks my heart…I feel for you. My dad passed away due to cancer 6 years ago, and him not being at my wedding still makes me tear up. In terms of logistics (who will walk you down the aisle etc), those are the “easy” things. If you were to have your wedding tomorrow, how would your dad be (ex. is he confined to a bed at this point, could he attend?)? While I understand this is an incredibly difficult decision, I would opt for postponing if possible and make the decision sooner rather than later. Even if he is able to make it to your wedding, he may not be physically or mentally “there” at that point. As well, if he isn’t doing well right around then, I think you would more just want to spend your time with him and be with him as much as possible (things like flowers etc would likely seem stupid and trivial). Having a special ceremony with him already was wonderful and in my opinion includes him in your day in the most optimal way (as soon as you could/while he was in the best health he could be in).

Overall, I just know that personally I couldn’t enjoy my wedding if I were also dealing with my dad’s deterioration.

No matter what you decide, love and hugs to you!

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