Post # 1
I don’t want this to be a huge, long post, but basically my father and I have had a strained relationship over the years – he was absent for about 10 years during my adolescence and came back into my life sort of accidentally when I was 22, but it was very superficial.
I went to Therapy earlier last year to try to deal with my feelings and find my voice in speaking to him and I finally confronted him about the state of our relationship and what happened that caused him to be uninvolved. He exclusively blamed my mom, her family and also me and my younger brother, but didn’t take any responsibility. We sort of left it open-ended, sort of agreeing to disagree, but I felt unsatisfied with the discussion that occurred.
I decided to invite him to the wedding anyway, on the condition that he attend as a guest only. I haven’t spoken to my father in a little less than a year and I sent out invitations a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him or gotten and RSVP back and I’m sort of dreading having to chase after him for an RSVP if he doesn’t mail it back.
It’s tough because part of me hopes he comes and just tries to keep the peace, while the other part of me hopes he doesn’t come, so that it’s less stressful on me worrying about how he’s feeling about being excluded in the wedding festivities, etc., and yet another part of me feels like I might be devastated if he chooses not to come. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I know for sure I’d be better off without him and I don’t really want the wedding to be that point.
I’m conflicted and I don’t know what to do, nor do I know what might be best.
Post # 3
Oh wow, that’s too bad and I’m sorry. If it were me, I wouldn’t do anything until I knew how I felt about both outcomes. Either comes and you feel this way, or he doesn’t and you feel that way…once you have that nailed down, you call, find out which one your living with, clearly tell him how you feel and leave it at that.
It’s a shame that you aren’t a priority in his life, you should return the favor and neglect to make him a priority in yours. I’m certain you have so many people in your life that love and care about you, don’t waste your time or energy on someone who refuses to invest in you.
Post # 4
I’m really sorry about what’s transpired. It’s natural to what the involvement of BOTH parents in your life, and especially to have them regard you with warmth and kindness – something your dad apparently hasn’t shown you.
I don’t blame you for being dissatisfied with the conversation you had with him. How the heck do you blame a 12-year-old kid for a relationship rift?! It sounds like he has a lot to work through – namely, taking accountability for his own actions. My nephew’s experiencing something similar with his dad – the dad who forevermore blames nephew’s mom (“She won’t let me see you”)…and yet he never goes to court to get custody arrangements made, randomly skips out on seeing his kid, etc. The actions disagree with the words!
It may not be a bad idea to go to a few therapy sessions surrounding this. A therapist may be able to help you come to terms with the fact that he may not come to the wedding – and that is, of course, no reflection on who you are or what you deserve. That’s a symptom of his own problems.
Put the focus on the people in your life who do love you and want the best for you. I’m not at all close to my dad – but I have several friends, cousins and an older brother who have shown me love and compassion. Those are the people who will matter on that day – the ones in your life who haven’t skipped out for 10 years, only to come back and blame you for it.
Best wishes to you. Congratulations on your engagement and wedding!