Post # 1
So last night my dad said he is not coming to my wedding.
For a little background story, I grew up in the Northern states. Both my parents were alcoholics growing up, but my dad was significantly worse than my mom. My fiance and I met in high school. He was a year older than me and he moved down to the South after graduation with his family. When I graduated high school, I followed him. We both entered college after high school, and during my second year of college, my mother passed away. I was ten hours away from home and I think me moving really hurt her. I never talked or did anything with my dad growing up, he was always an embarrassment because he was always drunk. Since my mother passed, I talk with him over the phone a couple of times a month just to see how things are going. He still doesn’t know me very well, we still just kind of talk to each other like acquaintances.
Well, so my fiance and I are going to be getting married in the South because I have been here for the last 5 years and it really is home to me. My dad has already given me some money to help with the wedding. I called him last night to talk a little about the wedding and he made a comment that hinted at the fact he was going to be wearing a tux. Our wedding is going to be very casual and not even my fiance is going to wear a tux, he is going to wear a tweed suit. So I told my dad, I didn’t want him to wear a tux because it was going to be very casual and he would be very out of place. Then, I told him I won’t be having any alcohol either and that he can’t bring his own. I mainly don’t want alcohol because it adds a lot of cost and it’s going to be at 2pm in the afternoon and I don’t feel that it’s appropriate. So, after I made those comments, he said “I’m not coming, you just answered all my questions by saying that.” He just kept saying it over and over, so I hung up. I know that he would have done something to embarrass me because he always drunk, so it’s almost a relief, but he has already given me money, so I don’t know if I should at least send him an invitation.
Post # 3
@srdrzdwsk: Although you haven’t been very close with your Dad growing up it sounds like he is excited for you and wants to be a part of your day. I think his comment about wearing a tux is exactly that – he is excited and he gets to look spiffy. I know you have qualms about him being there — but do you truly want him there? Can you move forward in your life without inviting him or having him know that you want him to be there. If yes – well, you have your answer. If no, then my suggestion is to call him and talk to him. If you just send him an invite, he may feel you are doing it out of protocol and not because you want him there.
Post # 4
The way we have our wedding set up, the only ones that really are required to dress up is FI and I. However, FFIL has stated he IS wearing a tux and my father refuses. This is one of those situations that I don’t care what people are wearing. I’m going to have my FSIL’s BF wearing gawdawful red pants I’m sure, one of my witnesses in full Victorian mens garb, and my other witness and BFF probably doing rockabilly, goth or god help me burlesque.
Obviously, we want people to come in what’s most comfortable for them and in all honesty the ONLY thing we care about is a.) they actually wear clothes b.) they come. All I know is I’m going to have the wierdest wedding photos ever! LOL
Bottom line is, do you want your father to come? If yes, let him wear his tux if that’s what he feels the most comfortable in!
Post # 5
@Umberzone: To be honest, I don’t think it’s the tux that upset him. It’s the alcohol. He is always drunk. He honestly is very insensitive and he doesn’t function like he used to when I was little because of the alcohol. He hardly ever remembers our phone conversations. He also was in jail a week or so ago for disorderly conduct in a bar…
Post # 6
@srdrzdwsk: It sounds like you’re pretty happy that he isn’t coming, and honestly I wouldn’t bring up the money thing unless he says something. The money is a gift and he’s the one who decided he doesn’t want to come because of the alcohol bit. If you already have the money in your posession then I’d say what’s done is done. “No take backs!” as the children would say.
Post # 7
I am sorry you have to deal with this! I would probably try to give the money back and not invite him, to be honest. I would be worried that if you invited him, he’d show up with a flask or something. However, I would feel uncomfortable keeping the money. Good luck!
Post # 8
Like another commenter mentioned above, it sounds like your dad is genuinely excited about your wedding. Growing up with alcoholic parents myself, I kind of know where you are coming from, but I also think you need to send your dad an invitation, even if verbally he said he’d never come. First, he did gift you money for the wedding and it would be the polite thing to do, to invite him. Second, he’s your father and you have to consider how much you’d regret not having him at one of the most important days of your life. You may not want him there right now, but in a year, two, ten, when he dies? Will you regret missing this oppertunity to connect with him? To see him in person for the first time in 5 years?
Whatever your decision, I hope things work out for the best!
Post # 9
I agree.. it’s not about the tux. From what you said, he might have misinterpreted your alcohol comment. He might see it as a criticism or jab at him and he is probably sensitive about this because he is ashamed by his alcohol problem.
Rather than make it seem as if you are not having alcohol because of him…maybe you can tell him it was too much of an expense or you just didn’t feel it was appropriate for an afternoon wedding, etc.
Post # 10
I wonder if your dad interpreted your no-alcohol rule as a direct attempt to keep him out. You’re just trying to ensure a peaceful afternoon gathering. But he thinks you’re purposely trying to make it hard for him to attend. Can you explain your reasons to him so he can understand your concerns?
It all comes down to what you want at your wedding. Keep your no-alcohol policy, invite your dad to come, and let him decide whether he’s willing to go without alchol for a few hours so he can see his daughter get married.
Post # 11
My mother has threatened more times than I can count not to come to my wedding. However, I know she really IS planning on coming and she just said that in the heat of the moment (she has a mental illness). My point being, I would send an invite to your dad if you want him at the wedding. He seems like he’s excited to see his daughter get married and maybe he interpreted the ‘no alcohol’ comment wrong.