(Closed) My dad wants to feel the most important person at my wedding.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@aguilpul: oh, how I feel for you!!! My mother is sooooooo much like this!  Even after I moved out, she STILL tries to dictate my life!  Through bribery, emotional blackmail, etc.  You name it, I think she’s done it.  (I currently have the upper hand due to having two kids who she only see when *I* agree, hehehehehehe).  (she currently wants me to wear a white traditional gown despite the theme and the fact I’ve already got a gown -non traditional- that I LOVE).

I typically just ignore her or hand her over to my Fiance who typically wants to rip her throat out, BUT she at least doesn’t try to bully him around, which I’m soooo thankful for! 

If I were in your shoes, I’d ignore all his crap and do what I wanted.  If he doesn’t like it, tell him straight out you’re x-years old, NOT a kid, you don’t live under his roof so he can’t order you around.  It’s YOUR wedding (and your FI’s) and if he can’t shut up and behave himself, he doesn’t get to come. 

And then stick to your guns, girl!  Don’t give him an inch. 

good luck and I’m soooo sorry you’ve gotta deal with this!!!!

Post # 4
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@aguilpul: Since there’s not a relationship to damage, I’d just tell him the God’s honest truth: “My wedding isn’t about you, and you won’t even be the second most important person there. Deal with it.”

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hugs!

I have a similar situation with a family member. I dealt with a lot of her moodiness and emotional putdowns as a child and now that I am an adult I do not feel likebeing bothered by her anymore.

I would just plan your wedding without him. If you dad asks about anything, just say “we’ve already taken care of that”. Don’t be afraid to ignore his calls and call back a day later “becuase you were busy”.

Is he walking you down the aisle? I say walk alone. If he asks, tell him it is what you wanted. Or, have you and your Fiance come down the aisle together as a show of solidarity.

I would tell him after the wedding either face to face or in a letter how you really feel about him.

 

Post # 7
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow I’m so very sorry that you feel like that.  I guess my advice is that I would tell your dad nicely in a meeting that this is your day and he is welcome to SHARE it with you but if he can’t respect your wishes than he is not invited.  Plain and simple.

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Even if you had a fantastic relationship with your Dad, he would still not be the most important person at your wedding!  That should be you and your Fiance.  Someone needs to set him straight.

Post # 9
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yes, I feel this way a lot. My dad kept insisting that he was going to “give me away” at my wedding. I bluntly said “No one is “giving” me to anyone, I am an adult, and Fiance and I are walking down the aisle together.” He kept INSISTING that he was “giving” me away….I’m sitting there like, reallly? I didn’t speak to you from the time I was 12 until I was 17 and you think you’re Dad of the Year? *sigh* I mean obviously these are mostly childhood issues, but you can’t miss that much of my life and expect to be walking me down the aisle and the whole thing. So I feel your dilemma.

If the circumstances were the same for me as for you, I would just tell him to chill the eff out, that the day isn’t about him, that he isn’t contributing to it, and YOU will let HIM know what role he will play at the wedding. It sounds harsh, but I feel like sometimes things like that just need to be said, even if they go ignored.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have said this before, and I’ll say it again – just because someone is family, doesn’t mean you need to put up with their toxicity. Your dad doesn’t deserve a great role in your wedding, and I think you need to put him in his place. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I think you need to tell him that, set boundaries and dont’ speak to him if he crosses them

Post # 12
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

@MrsSl82be: +1

Op, I don’t have any advice of my own, I’m sorry you have to deal with though 🙁

Post # 13
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

i totally understand where you are coming from my mother is the same way. i would tell him that realistically he is a curtosey invite for the sheer fact that he is your father and should he have been anyone else he wouldnt have been allowed with in 10 miles.

Post # 14
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsSl82be: Agreed! I don’t know where this comes from, but parents are not demi-gods or deities. They are not the law. They are human beings, sometimes downright horrible ones at that!

The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t even have to be at the wedding if you didn’t want him there! I’m not suggesting you uninvite him, I’m just saying that it’s about you and your fiance. When children grow up, in varying degrees the parents aren’t important anymore. Why do women get empty nest syndrome and turn into monster-in-laws?….. Exactly.

Anyway, take care of yourself!

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@aguilpul: Right on.  Don’t let your sister (intentionally or unintentionally) make you feel bad about your choice to protect yourself from this emotionally abusive man.  You do not owe him ANYTHING.

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