My dad won't walk me down the isle…

posted 1 year ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Would you be open to kids at the wedding but not after? Personally, I wouldn’t want to compromise my vision for their pettiness, but I am wondering if it’s worth it, just this once, to give in. 

Or say screw him, and “Dad, I love you, I want you to walk me down the aisle, I’m sorry we have decided not to have children at our wedding, but that is our personal choice. I would really like you and stepmom to be there. But, I am leaving that decision to you.” 

And let it go. 

Post # 3
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry Bee. Sounds like a lot of difficult history here that goes way beyond an issue of kids at a wedding and guest list size.

Can your Mom walk you down the aisle? I know it’s not traditional and this hurts a lot because you probably feel abandoned all over again, but you might look back and feel better about your Mom taking this role anway? Or another close friend/family member?

Do you want your dad and step mom at the wedding as just guests?

Lots of love.

Post # 4
Member
5967 posts
Bee Keeper

If youre having such a small wedding, excluding someone becomes a much bigger deal. I can see why your dad is upset. He doesnt have to come to the wedding if you exclude his other child, nor does he have to walk you down the aisle. 

You have 2 options.

1) call his bluff. Maybe he wont come at all, maybe he will change his mind closer to the wedding. You will be rolling the dice big time here. 

2) Let your half brother come, and everyone else will come as well. 

fwiw I had a no kids wedding but if I had someone this close in relation I would have made an exception. 

fwiw2 I didnt even invite my dad to my wedding lol. So i get the bad father angle. 

Post # 5
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

sounds like he doesn’ deserve the honour anyways. walk down the isle with your mum or with the groom. sounds like he hasn’t really been there where as others have. if he is so stupid that listens his wife when it comes to his daughters wedding then you don’t need him there. you have your family and friends who care and your new family

Post # 6
Member
11453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

It’s your call to invite children or not. That said, are you under the impression that if you invite your brother then all children must be included? Because that is not true, either. 

You have no obligation to back down, but by the same token if the relationship is important to you I’d consider making an exception. I would have invited my young sibling, personally. 

Post # 7
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

jellybellynelly :  I would think having such a small wedding makes “excluding” someone much LESS of a big deal. Plus, saying “no kids” and meaning it is not the same as excluding a close relation. Fact is that no one “has to” do anything in this life, so yes, OP’s Dad doesn’t ‘have to’ walk her down the aisle if his 4-year son isn’t present at the wedding. This is a 4-year old. Get a babysitter. And have some respect for your daughter’s/step-daughter’s wedding. 

I think it would be easy for OP to give in and let the kid come. But I don’t think that would solve the issue at hand here, which is the OP being hurt by her Dad for putting his wife’s feet-stomping demands ahead of walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I am so sorry you ar having to deal with something like this. 

Give yourself a little time to process and then maybe talk to him again, pivately over a casual lunch or coffee? Or if you are too far apart jsut a phone call, explain that you are not have any children at the wedding due to venue, your step mother is more than welcome to come, but becasue of venue limitations you won’t be having children and tell your father again you’d like him to walk you down the aisle? 

Post # 9
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Even with a no kids rule it is surprising that someone would group their own brother in with the other kids. That said it doesn’t come across that you particularly want a close relationship with your brother. Do you want your father to walk you down the aisle because it’s traditional or because you actually want him to?

Post # 10
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  This is a good thought. From what OP describes there may be some resentment regarding this child and the issue is more about this child than about ‘no kids’. If that’s the case, maybe it’s an opportunity for OP to open her heart to this kid? Could be wrong though.

That said it’s OP’s perogative and it’s sad to me that her Dad has been so unsupportive most of her life and is continuing that now. Unfortunately people don’t magically grow into the people we want them to be just because we are getting married 🙁

 

Post # 11
Member
5967 posts
Bee Keeper

poppinbottles :  I look at it like, excluding a kid when you have 100 people, you are excluding 1/100. When you have 15 people? 1/15 is much more obvious. 

And yes, saying no kids when you happen to have a 4 yo kid brother is definitely excluding. Like, its literally the point lol. 

I don’t think it wont help the situation. The OP seems very resentful of her father and new family (“accidentally” pregnant comment), and excluding this kid is just another manifestation. As I said I get the bad father angle, but i also understand that you cant change other people, only yourself. If OP is trying to build a relationship with them, excluding their other kid isnt the way.

Post # 12
Member
1507 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I too feel like OP might have some resentment towards the little brother, hence excluding him. Your dad sounds pretty horrible, OP, and I totally get your feelings towards him & your stepmom. But it’s not your half brother’s fault so it would be good to include him IF you want your dad there. I totally get too if you feel resentful of the fact your dad is putting the fact his 4 year old isn’t invited OVER walking you down the aisle…that could definitely be seen as “oh, he must put his new family over me.” SO I get your feelings…but if you exclude your half brother your dad probably won’t show so you just need to pick what’s more important to you.

Post # 13
Member
2617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

That’s pretty crappy. Given your past with him and now this, I would say it’s probably for the better he doesn’t walk you down the aisle. Would you eel comfortable having your mom escort you or walking alone?

I feel like by him not coming and refusing to take part is him choosing his wife and other child over you. If he approached this as “hey this is your brother and I would be really disappointed and uncomfortable without having him invited, can we talk about this?” then maybe I would consider bending, but for him to just say no and give you an ultimatum is really immature and I would not appreciate it.

Post # 14
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

blonde92 :  If I excluded a sibling from my wedding my entire family would be pretty unhappy and unsupportive.   Unless your brother has been abusive or violent (unlikely at four), this is a really petty move.  You clearly have unresolved issues regarding your father and stepmom, but excluding your sibling isn’t the right way to deal with it. 

It’s not okay to use your brother as a pawn to manipulate/punish your father and stepmom.  Your dad may be a shitty dad, but this makes you look pretty bad.  I feel sorry for a young boy caught in the middle who you clearly haven’t considered. 

I’m not sure why your brother couldn’t attend only the ceremony as a compromise?  It’s pretty common in my area and would eliminate your problems. 

Post # 15
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

blonde92 :  honestly, your dad sucks. You’re better off without him. Walking you down the aisle is not an honor he deserves to hold.  He’s the one that has to live with the decision of not walking his daughter down the aisle. 

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