Post # 1
I’ve never had a great relationship with my step mom, who my dad remarried. I’ve never had a great relationship with my dad either for that matter.
He abandoned my mom and I for meth and heroin and strippers and a multitude of other reckless choices.
He’s gotten better over the years, but then he met my step mom and she sunk her claws in deep by “accidentally” getting pregnant at 38 with my dad.
Well I just got engaged a few weekends ago and my fiance and I are saving our money to put 20% down on a house. So we were planning on just having immediate family come. I was even willing to take my step mom along for this and just my fiance’s parents and a few good friends.
But when I told my dad I didn’t want my little brother coming, who is 4, my step mom freaked out.
My fiance and I don’t want kids at our wedding. I don’t want fussy, crying kids. People will be drinking and it’s not something I want to deal with.
But then my step mom told my dad he cannot walk me down the isle without taking my half brother. And my stupid indecisive father told me on Friday that he won’t come without them. That was probably the biggest slap in the face, aside from leaving me.
I always thought that if my dad didn’t walk me down the isle, it would’ve been because he was dead, not because he didn’t want to.
And then my dad had the nerve to get mad at me because we’re not having a bigger wedding. He’s not paying a dime fyi, and now I don’t know what to do, besides crying a lot out of shock.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Would you be open to kids at the wedding but not after? Personally, I wouldn’t want to compromise my vision for their pettiness, but I am wondering if it’s worth it, just this once, to give in.
Or say screw him, and “Dad, I love you, I want you to walk me down the aisle, I’m sorry we have decided not to have children at our wedding, but that is our personal choice. I would really like you and stepmom to be there. But, I am leaving that decision to you.”
And let it go.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry Bee. Sounds like a lot of difficult history here that goes way beyond an issue of kids at a wedding and guest list size.
Can your Mom walk you down the aisle? I know it’s not traditional and this hurts a lot because you probably feel abandoned all over again, but you might look back and feel better about your Mom taking this role anway? Or another close friend/family member?
Do you want your dad and step mom at the wedding as just guests?
Lots of love.
Post # 4
If youre having such a small wedding, excluding someone becomes a much bigger deal. I can see why your dad is upset. He doesnt have to come to the wedding if you exclude his other child, nor does he have to walk you down the aisle.
You have 2 options.
1) call his bluff. Maybe he wont come at all, maybe he will change his mind closer to the wedding. You will be rolling the dice big time here.
2) Let your half brother come, and everyone else will come as well.
fwiw I had a no kids wedding but if I had someone this close in relation I would have made an exception.
fwiw2 I didnt even invite my dad to my wedding lol. So i get the bad father angle.
Post # 5
sounds like he doesn’ deserve the honour anyways. walk down the isle with your mum or with the groom. sounds like he hasn’t really been there where as others have. if he is so stupid that listens his wife when it comes to his daughters wedding then you don’t need him there. you have your family and friends who care and your new family
Post # 6
It’s your call to invite children or not. That said, are you under the impression that if you invite your brother then all children must be included? Because that is not true, either.
You have no obligation to back down, but by the same token if the relationship is important to you I’d consider making an exception. I would have invited my young sibling, personally.
Post # 7
jellybellynelly : I would think having such a small wedding makes “excluding” someone much LESS of a big deal. Plus, saying “no kids” and meaning it is not the same as excluding a close relation. Fact is that no one “has to” do anything in this life, so yes, OP’s Dad doesn’t ‘have to’ walk her down the aisle if his 4-year son isn’t present at the wedding. This is a 4-year old. Get a babysitter. And have some respect for your daughter’s/step-daughter’s wedding.
I think it would be easy for OP to give in and let the kid come. But I don’t think that would solve the issue at hand here, which is the OP being hurt by her Dad for putting his wife’s feet-stomping demands ahead of walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.
Post # 8
I am so sorry you ar having to deal with something like this.
Give yourself a little time to process and then maybe talk to him again, pivately over a casual lunch or coffee? Or if you are too far apart jsut a phone call, explain that you are not have any children at the wedding due to venue, your step mother is more than welcome to come, but becasue of venue limitations you won’t be having children and tell your father again you’d like him to walk you down the aisle?
Post # 9
Even with a no kids rule it is surprising that someone would group their own brother in with the other kids. That said it doesn’t come across that you particularly want a close relationship with your brother. Do you want your father to walk you down the aisle because it’s traditional or because you actually want him to?
Post # 10
zzar45 : This is a good thought. From what OP describes there may be some resentment regarding this child and the issue is more about this child than about ‘no kids’. If that’s the case, maybe it’s an opportunity for OP to open her heart to this kid? Could be wrong though.
That said it’s OP’s perogative and it’s sad to me that her Dad has been so unsupportive most of her life and is continuing that now. Unfortunately people don’t magically grow into the people we want them to be just because we are getting married 🙁
Post # 11
poppinbottles : I look at it like, excluding a kid when you have 100 people, you are excluding 1/100. When you have 15 people? 1/15 is much more obvious.
And yes, saying no kids when you happen to have a 4 yo kid brother is definitely excluding. Like, its literally the point lol.
I don’t think it wont help the situation. The OP seems very resentful of her father and new family (“accidentally” pregnant comment), and excluding this kid is just another manifestation. As I said I get the bad father angle, but i also understand that you cant change other people, only yourself. If OP is trying to build a relationship with them, excluding their other kid isnt the way.
Post # 12
I too feel like OP might have some resentment towards the little brother, hence excluding him. Your dad sounds pretty horrible, OP, and I totally get your feelings towards him & your stepmom. But it’s not your half brother’s fault so it would be good to include him IF you want your dad there. I totally get too if you feel resentful of the fact your dad is putting the fact his 4 year old isn’t invited OVER walking you down the aisle…that could definitely be seen as “oh, he must put his new family over me.” SO I get your feelings…but if you exclude your half brother your dad probably won’t show so you just need to pick what’s more important to you.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
That’s pretty crappy. Given your past with him and now this, I would say it’s probably for the better he doesn’t walk you down the aisle. Would you eel comfortable having your mom escort you or walking alone?
I feel like by him not coming and refusing to take part is him choosing his wife and other child over you. If he approached this as “hey this is your brother and I would be really disappointed and uncomfortable without having him invited, can we talk about this?” then maybe I would consider bending, but for him to just say no and give you an ultimatum is really immature and I would not appreciate it.
Post # 14
blonde92 : If I excluded a sibling from my wedding my entire family would be pretty unhappy and unsupportive. Unless your brother has been abusive or violent (unlikely at four), this is a really petty move. You clearly have unresolved issues regarding your father and stepmom, but excluding your sibling isn’t the right way to deal with it.
It’s not okay to use your brother as a pawn to manipulate/punish your father and stepmom. Your dad may be a shitty dad, but this makes you look pretty bad. I feel sorry for a young boy caught in the middle who you clearly haven’t considered.
I’m not sure why your brother couldn’t attend only the ceremony as a compromise? It’s pretty common in my area and would eliminate your problems.
Post # 15
blonde92 : honestly, your dad sucks. You’re better off without him. Walking you down the aisle is not an honor he deserves to hold. He’s the one that has to live with the decision of not walking his daughter down the aisle.