My daughter and my relationship is being ruined over wedding plans

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

If she wants a destination wedding then that’s fair and reasonable, you don’t really get to make demands on what she does after this.

you don’t need to be included in anything, as much as it hurts you it’s not a requirement for any wedding. 

however you also don’t need to pay for it, she should have the wedding she can afford and this clearly isn’t it 

Post # 4
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t go broke to pay for a party. Even if it is a wedding. 

She can have the wedding she wants. And she can pay for it. If she wants your money she has to make some concessions for it. 

Post # 5
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you feel hurt, it’s clear that you love your daughter and want to be supportive of her special day. But I have to be honest, you’re being too demanding and expecting to be too involved. If she wants a destination wedding, she should have it. It’s HER day. I know you’re her mother and she’s your only child, but it is still HER day. Let her have what she wants. You do not have to pay anything but don’t step back just so you can make a point and sulk about it. I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re letting this get more personal than is acceptable. If her in-laws want to pay, fine, but that doesn’t mean you should spend even a cent of your 401k savings on anything wedding related for someone else. You shouldn’t spend your savings on your own wedding, for that matter.

Post # 6
Member
12823 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In general I feel that destination weddings are an imposition and a burden that put place over people. Assuming a good relationship, excluding her sick grandparents for the sake of an exotic venue is sad.  Demanding money from you for something you had no say in, that you did not offer, and that you cannot in any way justify spending was also gross. She sounds like a spoiled and selfish brat. 

But you are now making things ten times worse and that’s on you. Trying to force her and everyone else to wear their wedding attire to a delayed reception in a misguided attempt to pretend it’s a wedding is overly controlling and wrong. It would have been one thing if everyone was on board with it, but they are adults and responsible to dress themselves. 

You should never have offered to pay toward a Destination Wedding at all.  But if you withdraw support now make it about the fact that you realize it puts you under tremendous financial pressure and jeopardy, not the attire and the photos. 

Post # 7
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to be blunt here,  because I sense you have a real victim mentality about this and you’re not seeing anything from your daughter’s perspective. You’re making this situation entirely about you and what you want, it’s her wedding, if she wants a destination wedding and your parents can’t attend that’s unfortunate, but that’s her choice. They’re not entitled to be there, no one is, she could elope and invite no one and that’s her right. If she doesn’t want to wear her wedding dress again and pose for wedding style photos again, that’s her choice. It was nice of you to offer to pay towards it, but you shouldn’t be putting yourself into financial hardship, and if you are that’s on you, it’s not acceptable to blackmail her over the money you promised to give so she does what you want. If you can’t afford to give her the money don’t give it her and be honest about it being too much of a stretch financially, but don’t threaten to not give her anything unless she does X, Y and Z because that’s blackmail, and you will to ruin your relationship with your daughter over things that really really in the grand scheme of things do not matter.

You need to take a step back, offer money that you can afford to give and be supportive, instead of complaining and trying to dictate how she has her wedding to suit you. Bottom line is, it’s her wedding, she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, whether you’re giving her money or not, it would nice of her to accommodate some of your requests since you’re contributing, but if she doesn’t feel comfortable with those requests she doesn’t have to, it’s never ever acceptable to manipulate and blackmail people, which is what you’re doing by threatening to not contribute unless you get to have “your say”. 

Post # 8
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If she wants to have a destination wedding that is her choice, but let her pay for it.  You should not be taking money out of your 401K for a party, that is pretty stupid actually.  Also, does she know how difficult it is to get legally married in Mexico?  

I also think destination weddings are a huge imposition as well.  Tell your daughter that your financial contribution is no longer available.  Even if she says that she will adhere to your requests, I still wouldn’t give her the money.  She sort of sounds spolied and bratty.  I would also ask her if she knows everything she needs to do to get legally married in Mexico.

Post # 9
Hostess
2405 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Its not your wedding. Don’t give her the money if it comes with strings attached and let her pay for whatever she wants.

I am sorry but you cannot be devastated over what YOUR DAUGHTER wants for HER wedding. You had your wedding, this is your daughter’s turn. Stop, don’t give her the money, don’t force her to do a reception back home. Attend the wedding as the mother of the bride, enjoy your role that day and do not ruin your relationship with your child over a wedding.

It is a wedding. A wedding is not the important part. A marriage is.

 

ETA: it def sounds like there is more to the story than just this wedding stuff. If you two had a good relationship I can’t imagine she would be excluding you from so much.

Post # 10
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

View original reply
motherofbridez :  I think there is way more to this than you are saying. She is your one and only child and she doesn’t want you to be involved in anything? Hmmmm. As a daughter my one wish would be that my mother come with me and look for dresses and help me with the planning of the most magical day of my life. 

Anywho it’s your daughter and future son in law’s wedding, you had your’s. You actually told her if she doesn’t wear the wedding dress to your planned reception than you won’t help out with the destination wedding? You seem a bit controlling. Has it always been like this with you two? Like the other pp’s have said don’t go broke over this.  

Post # 11
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Based on this post, the daughter sounds like a spoiled brat and I wouldn’t pay for anything because it sounds like she only wants her future husband’s family involved but wants to take your money at the same time. 

But maybe this isn’t the full story and there’s a reason why you’re being excluded from so much.  When I got married, my mother was included in everything and we live across the country from each other. But that’s because we have a good relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

My relationship with my mom was also on a shaky ground during our wedding preparations. She expected a lot that I didn’t want to do, and we constantly fought over what she thought was the right way to do it. We literally argued on and off about everything for the entire time. 

Originally we wanted to elope, my mom said no. My brother had already eloped and sister didn’t get married. So, she wanted her youngest and last in the wedding clothes at a local venue etc. We couldn’t elope because both parts of parents wanted a wedding. I put maybe 5 percent effort into the wedding. We picked the venue with fiance, that’s it. They prepared, they payed, we attended. But wasn’t so bad after all. 

I see your daughter doesn’t want to live by your wishes. I actually did because weddings are not attractive to me anyway, but our parents wouldn’t get to see anyone else getting married (husband is also an only child), we didn’t want to totally upset the family.

What I want to say is that if both parts have definite opinions about how things will work, you’ll keep fighting. My mom was also so agitated like I see you are too the whole time. That never helps to better the relationship. I’ve been there, makes it 10 times worse.  I suggest you to keep cool about it and don’t keep bringing up another reception. Nothing changes if someone doesn’t get to see a wedding.  And I also suggest that you don’t pay soo much for their destination wedding. If she’s so adament on some luxury like that, let her pay. Saying you to only pay and not say anything is rude!

 

Post # 14
Member
4997 posts
Honey bee

You raised this kid, now you have to deal with what you created, a spoiled, entitled brat. I’d like to see how fast my adult children’s heads would roll if they told me to stay out of any planning, just show me the money. Please, be real.

Let her do what she wants which is to have a destination wedding. (And I hate destination weddings, those excruciatingly self-absorbed excuses to spend other people’s money. I wish the dad would die out already.) But let her ass pay for it. She wants what she wants, ok. But somewhere along the line you forgot to teach her that she has to work for things, not just have them handed to her because she wants them.

And of all things, focusing on whether she wears her wedding dress to a post wedding reception strikes me as odd. Who cares? Worry about the fact that your daughter is unpleasantly spoiled and it’s your own fault. 

Post # 15
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

This isn’t your wedding. Honestly if you’ve been crying for three months and are going to take money from your retirement, I think you might want to consider seeing a therapist. Your mentality is really out of proportion here. It’s her wedding, not yours. You’re basically trying to force her to have two weddings, and I’m not surprised she doesn’t want that. 

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