My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 136
38 posts

Now you are being a doormat. Stop making suggestions (and excuses) and just put your foot down. just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean that you stop being her parents and can let her rule over you. If you let her rule over you when she was growing up then now is the time to do some parenting and just say no. Just say fine we don’t have to talk about it but here’s the check and you can cover anything over by yourselves. 

Really don’t get why it’s that hard to say. You are the parents and it’s your money. 

Post # 137
23 posts
  • Wedding: May 2017

catimitch :  This is awful and I feel terrible for you. She sounds so entitled and ungrateful for what she is being given. Plenty of couples pay for their own wedding without any help – she really owes you an apology for her behaviour. She doesn’t deserve your help and should be more respectful – you’re her mother for crying out loud!

Post # 138
207 posts
Helper bee

This seems really strange to me. Personally, I don’t want my mom involved in all of the planning because she tends to be super picky and critical and controlling. So I’m paying for the elements that are most important to me (venue, attire, dj, photo/video etc) and allowing my parents to give a lot of input on the things that they are paying for (decor, flowers, food). For my own sanity I have to delegate to them so that my mom can focus on the things she is good at, and back off of the things I don’t want her involved in. she’s got a great eye for decor so I’m stoked to have her help me with that,  and of course she’s going to come dress shopping with me. I chose to work an extra job and pay for the things I don’t want an opinion on all on my own (with the help of my fiancé). 

You should talk with her about the things that are most important to you and ask if you can be involved in those specific things. Tell her she is in control but you do still want to enjoy this process with her in the areas she’s comfortable. And remind her you’re not just a blank check, you’re the mother of the bride and while that doesn’t give you complete control it should at least allow you input on a few key things. 

Post # 139
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

catimitch :  Good lord . . .that was your opportunity to shut that right down.  NEITHER planner was in the budget since she is already way over budget.  You needed to tell her right then and there that the bank of mom and dad has shut down and she’ll be responsible for anything over the $30,000.  I bet she has no idea how much she has spent so far on this.  

Stop this now or you will be footing the bill for a $100,000 wedding.  

Post # 140
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

@elderbee – captured the tone perfectly…a pouting, petulant teen…and her handwringing but ultimately helpless/enabling mother. What a clusterfuck.

Post # 141
9675 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 “Typically Sarah, if they are invited to the wedding, they are invited to the shower, but it’s your shower so have it how you want it”

As others have suggested, your daughter is correct, at least on this. The rule is that everyone invited to a pre wedding event such as a shower should also be invited to the wedding, not the other way around.

Traditionally, showers are intimate and low key events hosted by a friend or friends of the bride or the family. The guest list is meant to be made up of your closest friends and family, not everyone on an average size guest list.  More than one shower can be held for different circles or none at all. Hosting one is optional and voluntary. 

 Having read that you offered to pay for a wedding, as opposed to hand over a check or lump sum, and that the venue is your own property I can only say that your daughter sounds rather entitled. 

10K on tablecloths for a 30K wedding may be a joke but it points out that you have every right to veto the use of your money in irresponsible ways. 

Post # 142
718 posts
Busy bee

catimitch :  in continuation with my previous post… Why ru enabling her bad behaviour? Is this an arranged marriage that she doesn’t want to, so thought if she does this you both would say no to her? This isn’t behaviour of someone who IS frugal in any sense.

Post # 143
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Okay. This is the thing. It sounds like you did a not so great job in raising your daughter. Accept that and realize that this is a good opportunity, even if late, to try to teach her an adult lesson about responsibility.

I’m going to assume from what you’ve already posted here, that she does 400 to $500,000 a year? Because in the real world, only the wealthy and very wealthy  have no idea how much $30,000 actually is .  They may not really have any concept as to how long it would take an average person to earn $30,000 . This would be the only excuse for her to grossly take advantage of you . And because I strongly suspect that your daughter, through her own means, is not bankrolling a high-rolling lifestyle, she probably does know how much $30,000 would cost HER in terms of work  and effort . How long would it take her to earn the 40-plus thousand dollars that she has already spent on  her wedding?

You need to put this in context for her and just present her with the invoices and tell her that due to her disrespect, that you will be paying for nothing. It might actually be better if you had this conversation in a public place, where you can just simply get up and leave after telling her this news. Because you know, there will be a bit thrown. Then don’t answer her phone calls for a couple of days. Tell her you need space. And if she does not instantly apologize but continues to cry and moan about how unfair you are, and you will know that you were right in not been crawling her party.

And if you were bankrolling her lifestyle and other areas, you need to cut that off, as well. You are not raising someone who is good and caring, it seems. In fact, it appears as if you have contributed to stunting her growth as an adult. She honestly does sound more like a fifteen-year-old than a 28 year old.

Post # 144
2509 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

This is utterly ridiculous.  You seem to be unable to say NO to your daughter.  If you want to end up spending $100,000 on her wedding, keep going the way you are.  If not, I suggest an email sent to her and to her fiancé, with read receipt on so you know she’s seen it:

”Dear daughter and soon to be son in law, as you have got further into this wedding planning process it seems that there are some expectations which are not in sync. Any attempts to raise this in conversation seem to stress you out, hence this email so that you can read it in your own time.  We happily agreed to pay $30,000 for your wedding, and we stand by this, however a tally of what you have already spent comes to $35,000 and climbing.  We are unable to increase our budget and want to ensure that you are aware that any costs above that $30,000 will be your responsibility.  

To make it easier for you to keep track of all costs, we will be depositing the $30,000 in your bank account tomorrow.  All invoices will therefore be your responsibility and anything sent to us will be redirected to you.

We are looking forward to celebrating your wedding!

Love, Mom and Dad.”

I would put money on you getting a screaming temper tantrum phone call within half an hour of sending it because she’s a bratty bridezilla.

Post # 146
976 posts
Busy bee

catimitch :  So now if she doesn’t go over the budget with you, you will pull your entire contribution? Sorry OP but this update makes it seem like in the end, the issue is really about control.

There is a middle ground: as almost every Bee has suggested, you could just give her a check for the amount you want to gift her and make it clear that is the sum total of your contribution. No need for her to send invoices or discuss budgets with you. Like a financially responsible adult, she could then plan a wedding to fit the money she has.

The fact that you won’t pursue this option but instead want to pull back your contribution entirely (or threaten to at least) unless she includes you more, makes it clear that you (and/or your husband) really just want more control over the wedding planning. Which is not an unreasonable stance seeing as you are footing the bill but you have been disingenuous up until now by not just admitting that.

Post # 147
1747 posts
Bumble bee

I’m calling bullshit, because none of the stuff you’ve updated makes any sense. You cut the purse strings at 18 and she paid for her own college. Including a masters. If that’s the case your daughter is up to her eyeballs in student loans, probably easily $80k plus. But the part mommy and daddy wanted to help with is dumping $30k on a wedding. 

So either the only thing you and your husband cared about was putting on a show for your friends and having some control over your wedding. Or your daughter has been financially helped in a large way for years and this is very much normal behaviour. 

Someone who scrimped and saved and knows the value of money is going to be reasonable for the most part planning a wedding. $30k is a lot of money to most people. 

So either your daughter is having a mental break during wedding planning. Or this is normal behaviour. Or mom is blowing everything out of proportion because her child isn’t doing what she wants. 

Either way if she’s truly being this bad then grow a pair of balls and cut the purse strings. If your blowing this out of proportion then cut the cord your daughter is an adult. 

Post # 148
109 posts
Blushing bee

catimitch :  Omg, the more you explain yourself, the more I feel for your daughter.  Having a string of short-crappy relationships is par for the course when a GIRL is in her early 20s.  You said it yourself: your daughter has been on her own for 10 years.  She paid for college and a masters all by herself.  Even though you and your husband were starting to worry that she’d NEVER meet anyone because she dated a psychopath, doesn’t make her the pathetic bratty you want to make her look like.

Do you know what I see here: a very judgmental, controlling mother who thinks that she’s a lot better than her daughter.  I can see why she wants to take advantage of the situation here.  It’s a lot smarter than telling you to take your $30,000 and shove it.  Your daughter deserves a medal for her patience.

Post # 149
2697 posts
Sugar bee

I’m around your age. My daughter is in her early twenties. 

You need to do several things:

1. Let go of the need to influence your adult daughter’s choices. She isn’t you and she is going to make good judgements, bad judgements and in-between judgements. If she comes to you for advice then make suggestions but otherwise keep quiet. Remember that the value for money comes not from whether she has a good or bad deal on tablecloths but whether she has a wonderful day.

2. Depersonalise the money. Going through invoices and spreadsheets with her and then threatening to pull the money if she doesn’t go back the drawing board and re-evaluate – this is the height of manipulativeness. In essence, if she doesn’t do what you want you are going to pull the money. Your statement “…if we were more included, met some of the vendors….. and felt like it was worth the price, we would have allowed a little flexibility with the budget” means that the amount of money given is proportional to the control that you and your husband have. Just give her the $30,000 and no more. Make sure that the money has no strings or control attached.

3. Your comments within the thread make it clear that normally she saves money and has paid her way through college. You feel that she shuts everyone out and behaves irrationally when stressed. Well you know what to do then? Do everything you can do to make her less stressed. Be encouraging. Admire some of her choices. Then when she is less stressed she won’t feel pressurised and rushed into decisions.

4. You say that her fiance says that she shuts him out when stressed. Don’t take sides. Make sure that he never complains about your daughter to you. If she finds out that you have been sympathising with him she may never forgive you. Don’t get involved in their relationship, particularly any disagreements they may have.

5. If you have a choice between being right but repulsive or being chilled out and cheerful you know which one I’m going to tell you to embrace. If you pull the money you will set a precedent. Your daughter will know to what lengths you and your husband will go to to get your own way and to force your daughter to live by your standards rather than her own. This is a lose-lose situation. She will lose any trust in you and won’t want to be near you. You will lose your daughter (and any potential grandchildren). You’ll have a momentary blaze of glory where you can celebrate being absolutely definitely, completely 100% morally and economically right and then spend a lifetime of misery and anger paying for it.  Is that really what you want – a short-term triumph and a long-term disaster?

Think again, and hope that she never discovers this thread on this website.

Post # 150
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I felt sorry for you but read the rest.     Sorry…

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