Ok so you know all her vendors are over budget? You want to meet with her vendors to see if they fit budget. As far as I can tell you have told your daughter we will pay for your wedding your budget is $30k. Did you break down the costs of everything into an actual budget based on even a percentage calculator. Have you guys run any numbers at all together as group, or are you just seeing quotes and going oh my god why she is getting quotes for $10k for catering. There is zero reason for your daughter to take you to a vendor meeting and tastings to see if they’re even in budget. You don’t even know how they’ve broken down the $30k and where they’ve allocated their priorities, but you want to veto vendors because you don’t think they fit budget.
It sounds like your husband is supporting you by saying well either you include your mother in everything or we’re going to take away the money we said we would gift you. That is manipulative as all get out. It’s like smacking a toddlers hand because they didn’t do what you wanted them to. She doesn’t have to include you in anything, and your updates are becoming more and more apparent that this is about control for you and if you don’t get your way, you’re going to throw your tantrum throw your toys out of your pram and your daughter gets nothing.
It sounds like that’s exactly what you did, I’m going to guess your daughter is a musician of some sort, since reasonably that is the only thing she would be making funds as. It’s highly unlikely she was making thousands of dollars doing gigs as a teenager without being a professional. It sounds like your attitude towards it was very much we don’t give a crap that you’re doing this amazing thing, now you can pay for your own education since, you make all this money and aren’t doing what we want you to. I’d bet pretty strongly that the reason your daughter paid for her own education and has been independent since 18 is that she didn’t want to go to the school you wanted her to, or she picked a field you didn’t like, and it became a do it my way or we won’t pay. So she did it on her own.
You’re doing the exact same thing now, you’ve added up some quotes which look a little high and are having a freak out because she’s not doing what you want. She’s not including you, you’re not getting to play wedding and go to vendors and make it clear you’re in charge and run the budget, your not getting to intrude on their couple time going to tastings. You said you were quite happy to spend a little over the budget if you were involved and got control, but since your not involved she get’s nothing.
I’d bet that conversation has been much more along the lines, hey daughter we’re going to pay for your wedding, budget is $30k, then if she questioned it I’m sure you just told her well it’s a flexible number you don’t have to be under that. I’d bet the suggestion to have it on your ranch was a condition of you paying for the wedding as well.
There isn’t anything in your responses that reads anything other than someone losing their power and control, and losing their mind because of it. Each update reinforces it more and more, you don’t get the answers you want, so you give more detail and it looks worse. But you can’t see past the end of your nose to spite your face to see that.
And yes I’m well aware my response is very harsh.