My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 181
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Ugh please I’ve read through this entire thread and all the replies.. Just write her a check for $30,000 and cut her off after that. If you keep giving her “one more chance” she’s just going to go over budget on another thing, sign a contract, and guilt you into paying it. I personally think it’s rude of her to not involve you in the planning at all, ESPECIALLY since you’re footing the bill. However it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen no matter what – she’s acting like a bratty teenager, quite honestly, with a can’t-be-bothered attitude. So don’t get your hopes up for being involved at all, just write her a check for whatever amount you’re willing to give with no strings attached. Good luck.

Post # 182
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

catimitch :  personally, if a budget was set, I would just doll out whatever was agreed to and then give no more money. You are not an atm but if you committed to paying for the entire wedding – up to your budgeted amount- best to doll it out now and if anything comes up too bad for them basically. 

I agree with other posters that she’s acting like a brat. But that’s just my opinion.. 

Post # 183
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

If talking about budget with the person giving you $30k is too stressful maybe she isn’t ready to get married… she sounds super immature. You can’t just forward a bill to someone and demand payment. 

How much money have you given so far? If you have already given $30k then I would write an email saying you have covered the agreed amount and they will need to handle the rest. I’m not sure how bending to her will and endulging a spoiled brat is going to truly make her happy.

I think parents and couples could save themselves a lot of trouble if they had more in depth discussions at the start. My parents covered part of our costs because there were several extras they wanted. I didn’t really have a problem with that in of itself. But my mother was very difficult. When first discussing things all I heard was “it’s your wedding, do what you want”. Then all of sudden I felt her wrath when she wasn’t invited to a tasting…

Post # 184
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

Ok so you know all her vendors are over budget? You want to meet with her vendors to see if they fit budget. As far as I can tell you have told your daughter we will pay for your wedding your budget is $30k. Did you break down the costs of everything into an actual budget based on even a percentage calculator. Have you guys run any numbers at all together as group, or are you just seeing quotes and going oh my god why she is getting quotes for $10k for catering. There is zero reason for your daughter to take you to a vendor meeting and tastings to see if they’re even in budget. You don’t even know how they’ve broken down the $30k and where they’ve allocated their priorities, but you want to veto vendors because you don’t think they fit budget. 

It sounds like your husband is supporting you by saying well either you include your mother in everything or we’re going to take away the money we said we would gift you. That is manipulative as all get out. It’s like smacking a toddlers hand because they didn’t do what you wanted them to.  She doesn’t have to include you in anything, and your updates are becoming more and more apparent that this is about control for you and if you don’t get your way, you’re going to throw your tantrum throw your toys out of your pram and your daughter gets nothing.

It sounds like that’s exactly what you did, I’m going to guess your daughter is a musician of some sort, since reasonably that is the only thing she would be making funds as. It’s highly unlikely she was making thousands of dollars doing gigs as a teenager without being a professional. It sounds like your attitude towards it was very much we don’t give a crap that you’re doing this amazing thing, now you can pay for your own education since, you make all this money and aren’t doing what we want you to. I’d bet pretty strongly that the reason your daughter paid for her own education and has been independent since 18 is that she didn’t want to go to the school you wanted her to, or she picked a field you didn’t like, and it became a do it my way or we won’t pay. So she did it on her own.

You’re doing the exact same thing now, you’ve added up some quotes which look a little high and are having a freak out because she’s not doing what you want. She’s not including you, you’re not getting to play wedding and go to vendors and make it clear you’re in charge and run the budget, your not getting to intrude on their couple time going to tastings. You said you were quite happy to spend a little over the budget if you were involved and got control, but since your not involved she get’s nothing. 

I’d bet that conversation has been much more along the lines, hey daughter we’re going to pay for your wedding, budget is $30k, then if she questioned it I’m sure you just told her well it’s a flexible number you don’t have to be under that. I’d bet the suggestion to have it on your ranch was a condition of you paying for the wedding as well.

There isn’t anything in your responses that reads anything other than someone losing their power and control, and losing their mind because of it. Each update reinforces it more and more, you don’t get the answers you want, so you give more detail and it looks worse. But you can’t see past the end of your nose to spite your face to see that.

And yes I’m well aware my response is very harsh.  

Post # 185
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

catimitch :  I still stand my ground that you’re being too easy on her.  I know as a parent you want to support her – but really at 28 she’s an adult.  If she’s as independent and responsible as you claim she is then she needs a reality check that her wedding does not give her a jail-free card.  The agreed present was $30k.  She needs to cover the rest of the expenses on her own.  If she can’t then she’ll need to revisit her vendors and cut back wherever she can.

Honestly I think you should have this conversation soon with her.  If she wants to rack up the expenses even more then she needs to be aware that the whatever she wants is something she needs to pay herself.  Maybe she’s completely oblivious with how much was spent to far…  or maybe she’s secretly hoping that you’ll suck it up and pay for everything.  But either way she should be informed that she surpassed the $30k and she can’t send you anymore bills.  

With her Fiance being concerned about the cost of the wedding planner I assume that she’s gone off on the deep end and haven’t really thought of how everything will be paid off now.  That’s something that they need to discuss together.

Post # 186
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

DaniGirl03 :  “There isn’t anything in your responses that reads anything other than someone losing their power and control, and losing their mind because of it. Each update reinforces it more and more, you don’t get the answers you want, so you give more detail and it looks worse. But you can’t see past the end of your nose to spite your face to see that.”

Sorry but most posters have definitely not had this view of OP. In fact, I would say the majority of them are saying her daughter is entitled and she is enabling her. I don’t want to get in an arguement with you but you seem to be taking this thread very personally and you’re being unecessarily harsh. 

Post # 187
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

gwenchilada :  It’s my perspective on what she’s written. Other people are going to read it differently. To me her responses are a text book narcissist that use’s money to get their way, and when they don’t get their way they take away what they use to control, until their trained monkey falls back in line. 

My perspective is based on my life experiences. I could certainly be wrong, but that’s my perspective. Someone with a different set of life experiences will read this differently as others have, their experiences will form their opinions on this. 

Post # 190
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

gwenchilada :  That’s because most of the posters cannot see past the fact the parents are offering $30,000 for the wedding.  They are too busy being jealous that their parents aren’t funding them to see what a controlling narcissist the OP is.

 

Post # 191
Member
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Aside from the fact that I can’t imagine a 38 year-old not paying for his own wedding, I also can’t imagine not being willing to contribute to my child’s education but agreeing to foot the bill for a $30,000 party. Something seems off here. 

OP–the Bees have said over and over again, if she’s not willing to involve you and you’ve already committed the money, just give her the $30K and let her figure out the budget. No more arguing or worrying about $10,000 polka dot table cloths (insane) or celebrity wedding planners. Your refusal to even consider this route also seems off.

Post # 192
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee

 pennysanddimes :  Way to jump to conclusions. Are you sure YOU aren’t the jealous one?

Post # 193
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

beethree :  Exactly!

If I had to guess I would say the reason she doesn’t want to just cut the check and let her daughter figure it out, is if she does that she doesn’t get any input, power or control. She would rather, go through imaginary spread sheets, tell them they’re going to reevaluate their budget and have her husband tell the daughter you involve your mother and we get final approval or we don’t pay. 

The second she says here’s your gift of $30k go ahead and plan your wedding she doesn’t have a hand left to play to force involvement with it at all.

Post # 194
Member
645 posts
Busy bee

beethree :  And other commenters have said over and over again that the daughter is entitled and bratty.

Post # 195
Hostess
3158 posts
Sugar bee

 

Sorry, i made the same post twice

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