My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 211
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee

pennysanddimes :  Wanting their daughter to make good choices = too involved. Not wanting her celebrity to get to her head = bad parenting. Got it.

Post # 212
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

pennysanddimes :  ??? Your comment doesn’t even make sense. It’s weird for parents to be upset about their child making poor life decisions? And I don’t know why you keep harping on the fact “she’s been on her own financially.” Like it was horrible for OP to not fund her daughter’s college education. Many parents still follow the tradition of paying for their daughter’s wedding regardless of whether their daughter is financially independent or not. There is nothing wrong with that.

Post # 213
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

kristin36890 :  No, you don’t get it.  These people have been pushing and controlling their daughter in every way imaginable. 

When you give a gift, you give it with no strings attached.  When your 26 year old daughter is single you don’t start to lose hope that she’ll ever find someone. When she has some talent that fetches thousands of dollars for a performance as a teen, you encourage and build it.  When your daughter does meet someone and is happy, you focus on his character and not whether he agrees with you about wedding vendors.

The OPs daughter deserves so much better than the crap she has. 

Post # 214
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

bee123456789 :  She is a well educated, talented young woman, not a meth addict.  So what if she made a few bad dating choices?  Being single is not a character flaw.  You sound very young.

Post # 216
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

pennysanddimes :  Are you the daughter? You seem so invested in this and claim to know way more details than the OP provided.

Post # 218
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

pennysanddimes :  You are making extremely wild assumptions. You don’t know anything about OP or her daughter besides what has been told to you. No one said dating the wrong people was a “character” flaw and all I saw from OP was that her & her husband were concerned that their daughter hadn’t met anyone good yet. So horrible of them to be worried that their daughter had been dating someone who had been arrested for assault & battery. I might be *young* but I’m not the one getting extremely defensive over a random person whose side of the story we don’t even know (Op’s daughter).

Post # 219
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

pennysanddimes :  What in the actual eff? As a child, my parents were well off (to the norm) and I was a good student, into dance etc (so in other words, used to alot of yes’s)…When it came to AT home; i got a standard allowance and the clothes i NEEDED and that was it. EVerything else i was on my own! I wanted a cellphone? Paid for it myself. Wanted my hair done in high school? Paid for it myself. Wanted a pricier prom dress than the budget they gave me? You got it, paid the difference myself. Sounds similar to what OP did for their daughter, and i ended up understanding the value of a dollar and have friends whos parents bought them everything and they cant figure their SH*T out at 30. 

NOWHERE has the OP stated she wants to control decisions, but to be completely LEFT out of everything, except for to be handed bills? Uh huh. SHe aint asking for strings, shes asking for respect. 

When we started planning our wedding, I wasnt sure how involved i woul dhave my mom, because we have different tastes and she can be overbearing at times (though well meaning). I let her know that Fiance and i would be paying for it and making decisions for US, but would be happier to include her in planning as long as she understood that. I did that because i love and respect her. Part way into the planning when we were debating about venues due to cost, she conifded that my father and her agreed to contribute 6k to our wedding. She made it clear that she didnt want that to influence our decision in anything and that there werent any strings attached to that. That was what they could afford and it was ours to save or use how we saw fit. Dress shopping: my mother was happily at EVERY dress appointment (except for one, which i sent her real time photos for) and justt as I said yes she told me Dad and her were paying for the dress. My point is that, a mother asking to be part of planning, doesnt necessarily mean they want to control. And IF that mother is contributing THIRTY THOUSAND to the wedding? Not being involved in any more than an invoice, is a slap in the face. 

I agree, the cutoff should have been the minute it went over 30k but I fail to see anywhere, where this mother is entitled, controlling, or anything else. 

Post # 220
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

catimitch :  I can imagine that if that happened, I would be very upset for my daughter.  But I would not lose sight of the fact that she is still young and talented and capable.  Making a poor dating choice doesn’t mean that you and your husband needed to start to think that it would never happen for her.  How old are you?  Haven’t you seen anything in life?

More importantly, at this point you should just be happy for her.  Instead, you are trying to micromanage her every move.  I would hate to have controlling, judgmental parents like you.

Post # 221
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

bee123456789 :  For real. I was in a relationship with someone not fit for marriage, where the relationship lasted 4 years longer than it should. And then said i swore off men. When i met my Fiance and it got serious, I am fairly certain both of my parents were lilke ” thank god she brought home someone good”…and “oh maybe i will finally get grandbabies”.. In no way did i think they were implying i wasnt capable of it, or had character flaws in picking the wrong ones… they were just happy i had found somoene and overjoyed that i was happy. God. The conclusions people make on here, i just cant.

Post # 222
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

bee123456789 :  Yes, I am the daughter and I’m also an anti-Monique Lluhlier sockpuppet.  Or maybe, just maybe I’m a 30s something woman who is experienced enough to know she sees a narcissist when she sees one.

Post # 223
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee

pennysanddimes :  Yes, a 30 something year old is wiser and more experienced with raising children than a woman with grown children close to 30 years old who are financially independent enough to put themselves through school.

Post # 224
Member
37 posts
Newbee

pennysanddimes :  I’ve been following this thread since this morning. I’d just like to know what your credentials for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder are? Because I’m a license therapist and your armchair diagnosis means nothing. And your minimal understanding of what a narcissist is is extremely incomplete. 

Post # 225
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

pennysanddimes :  I think you are the one with the meth problem.. judging by your comments.

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors