My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 226
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

There’s so much projection on this thread that it absolutely stuns me.

Post # 227
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

mariaspitz1991 :  I wasn’t aware I’d made a diagnosis.  As a licensed therapist, ahem, you should be well aware that no one can make a diagnosis without seeing someone in person.  

I am basing my OPINION about the OP based on her own words.  As a “licensed therapist” do you really think it benefits the OP to stroke her overbuilt ego and tell her how awful her daughter is for not letting her plan her wedding?

I call foul on your supposed credentials.  It’s the internet.  For all you know, I’m Dr. Ruth.

Post # 228
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper

pennysanddimes :  I must have missed a whole lotta info somewhere–do you know these people personally or have I just not read all the pages? 

That said, I have never met ANY parents IRL who paid $30,000+ for their children’s weddings with absolutely no expectations. There were always some strings–from just some specific few people who needed to be invited to location to a LOT more. Aside from basic adulting I believe it’s why most people choose to pay for their own weddings these days. And most people who pay for their own weddings at least listen to some of their parents’ opinions even if they are just humoring them.

But–handing over a bill and stamping your feet? Ridiculous. OP refusing to just honor the contribution without addressing the overage? Ridiculous. 

Post # 230
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

 

beethree :  I don’t disagree with what you’ve said.  My parents are paying significantly more then $30,000 for my wedding and I have agreed to invite many more of their friends than I would have otherwise.  But that decision came along naturally, not because my parents forced it on me.  It’s what I wanted to do for them because of their generosity.  

But my parents never started to lose all hope that I’d meet a man.  In fact, my parents urged me to pursue my dreams, to be happy.  If marriage happened great, but if it didn’t it wasn’t the end of the world.  I was much older than 26 and had many not so good experiences with men when I met my fiancé.  My parents never worried for a second about me because they thought I was the greatest thing since apple pie.  That’s how parents should feel about their kids.

My problem is with how the OP speaks about her daughter.  It sounds to me like she looks down upon her, wants to control her, is jealous of her and is using this money to have her say with her one more time.  Like I said, I feel nothing but sympathy for the daughter.

Post # 231
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

pennysanddimes :  I think it’s you thinking your the greatest thing since apple pie.

I don’t know where your reading all of this but you couldn’t be mroe wrong. OP sounds very supportive and loving of her daughter all she wants is to have some input..most likely for the bonding time between a mother and daughter then anything else.

Also any parent wants to see their child being happy which includes finding their partner in life and sharing their life with someone.. is your career or sports going to give you a hug or shoulder to cry on during a bad day? NO.. wtf are you even talking about.

Also tell us one more time how much your parents are paying for your wedding.. don’t think you mentioned it quite enough yet

Post # 232
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee

lifetimegoals :  For me I’ll certainly own part of where I’m coming from is based on my personal experience, and whilst I don’t read my posts as projecting, I’m sure there is a part of me that is. I have parent who is finally in therapy, and this was the crap he pulled my entire life, he hasn’t shared his diagnosis with me, but he has all the characteristics of a textbook narcissist so it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what it is. 

And this is the pattern he followed each and every single time I didn’t do what he wanted, I didn’t even have to be making a poor choice, just not the choice he wanted. It always came back to money and he used it to get me to do what he wanted. There was always the threat to not give me money if I didn’t do what he wanted. Unmarried at 24, I’m never going to find someone. Worked and made money, well You pay your own bills now. Didn’t go to the school he wanted, no tuition money for you. Wouldn’t do the wedding he wanted and how he wanted and no money for you. It was always reevaluate our spending, why aren’t you consulting me, why aren’t you involving me, why are you shutting me out. 

That’s why based on what OP has said here I’ve come to the conclusions I have.

Post # 233
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

anatheanalyst :  You’re right, I think I’m pretty awesome.  Do you have a problem with someone liking themselves?  Why so?

My parents raised me with love.  My good self-worth is the result of that.  No, a career isn’t going to hug you, but it can save you from being trapped in a bad marriage if Mr. Right doesn’t turn out to be so great down the road.

I ignored your earlier comment to me because I didn’t see the point of answering something so asinine.  (Yes, of course I’m a drug addict!  You’re so smart!) But I can see that it’s killing you that my parents are paying for my wedding and we have a great relationship and we’re not fighting about it.  I never once mentioned how much they are paying, just that it was much more than $30,000.  The truth would probably cause you to pop a blood vessel, so I’ll spare you. I’m sorry that you are such a jealous person.  It must really suck to carry that with you every step of the way.

Comment like yours make me even happier with myself.  Keep it coming sour grapes.

 

Post # 234
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

pennysanddimes :  WOW. No hunny I have no problem with that… but guess what if your character is anything like the way you comment you are anything by awesome..

 

Jealous of what? My parents also paid a heavy sum for my wedding but I don’t tell it to everyone who would listen

 

Good luck in life you need it

Post # 236
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

pennysanddimes :  No one here is jealous of you btw. I pity you and so does everyone else who replied to your ridiclous and bullshit comments.

 

Post # 238
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

kristin36890 :  what exactly is so disgusting about my attitude?  I am all ears to constructive criticism.  Please explain your very strong opinion.

Post # 240
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee

Getting back to the actual issue…  (And sorry, I’m at work and not able to watch this thread closely today)…

OP, is your daughter actually over budget?  Given her wedding is later this year (August, I think?) peresumably she has only paid deposits.  So is she actually over budget, or are you assuming she is over budget beczuse she is allocating funds differently than you would?

For example, is she spending $15,000 on catering when you think she should spend $10,000?  

Also, another thought occurred to me.  How do we know that the daughter and her Fiance aren’t planning on adding to the budget as well?  If my dad had offered me $30,000 or however much for my wedding, I wouldn’t think “Gee I have only $30,000 to spend, exactly, down to the last penny.”  I’d be thinking, “Sweet, my budget just increased by $30,000! Now, how much can we add to it?”  Maybe she’s got a budget that is higher, but is planning on covering the additional once your $30,000 is gone?

The way the OP has portrayed her daughter on this thread goes give the impression she’s a brat, but the family dynamics sound odd to say the least, and I would love to hear the daughter’s side of things.  

 

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