OP, I think you have received some good advice and validation of your feelings here and some crazy advice/comments here, but only you know the true story about your relationship with your daughter and whether her behavior is a one-off or common for her.
I’m not surprised that a thread about finances, mother/daughter relationships, and expectations has this many comments. Everyone, of course, is going to come at it from their own perspective, but many people aren’t giving their full background story or admitting that each situation is different. They are just blanketly calling you a narcissist or saying your daughter is entitled, while not including that they are going into debt to have a wedding or won’t be inviting their parents to their wedding because of bad blood. And I think giving advice while holding back an important circumstance that dictates that advice is wrong and harmful.
In my case, I am having a six-figure wedding thrown by my parents.
I also have a very good relationship with my parents. My dad is kind of aloof and into his own life, but we are on good terms, and my mom is my best friend. She has been involved in every aspect of planning (in many instances moreso than my fiance, which he appreciates), and she would be this involved whether she was paying for the wedding or couldn’t contribute a dime. Her opinion means so much to me and we have had an incredible time listening to bands around town to select one, visiting venues, dress shopping, etc. Those are moments that I will cherish forever, and it makes me sad to think that your daughter is denying you that because she “gets stressed.”
I also struggle with the “you pay, you have say” mentality, as I think it’s a matter of respect to listen to parents wishes, on both sides, whether they are able/choose to help with the wedding or not. Obviously my experience bias is coming out there because I thankfully haven’t had to deal with controlling parents or moving past a rough childhood to have a good adult relationship with my parents. I will say that my parents will also have a lot of their friends at our wedding, which I saw pennysanddimes begrudingly agreed to because her parents are paying. I’m glad my parent’s friends will be there. Not only have many of them been part of my life as I was growing up, this is a celebration for my parents, too.
If your daughter is the type of person that is able to listen and hear that she has made you upset by her actions, I would speak with her and explain that you are wanting to be involved. Maybe not even for your opinion, but just to get extra time with her and enjoy a time that our culture puts a lot of emphasis on.