My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 241
Member
6660 posts
Bee Keeper

pennysanddimes :  You don’t come across as open to anything, let alone constructive criticism. You come across as if you’ve already made up your mind about everything. Absolutely everything. 

Do you really think if your parents handed over all that money for your wedding yet you refused to listen to any of their input or requests they wouldn’t have pushed back even a little? If so, you live in a magical unicorn world. Good for you. Real life isn’t like this and it’s likely to bite you in the ass at some point.

Post # 242
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

On a more serious note- either the daughter is extremely entitled &/ or is dealing with anxiety issues quite poorly. 

In so many of your updates OP, your daughter shuts down conversation, not just with you but with pretty much everyone, with ‘you’re stressing me out’. So no-one is supoosed to say anything- ever- that she doesn’t want to hear? Either she’s extremely anxious and legit feels at her breaking point even with issues most people wouldn’t view as crisis-level stress, in which case OP she really needs you or her fiance to talk to her seriously about therapy. OR she’s spoiled and entitled and simply unwilling to compromise- and uses ‘you’re stressing me out!’ as emotional manipulation. I actually suspect it’s a combination of the two. If your daughter doesn’t get a handle on this it will cause problems in all of her relationships- including her upcoming marriage if she continues this la-la-la fingers-in-ears-shut-up-you’re-stressing-me tactic of hers. 

As for the wedding planning- I don’t see the mom as wanting to exert unreasonable control in the decision making, but it’s hurtful to give such a generous gift and then be brushed off as a nuisance, not to mention the very valid concern that the daughter is unrepentently going well over budget and refusing to be reasonable or reign it in. 

Post # 243
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I think your daughter is being unfair and disrespectful. I am paying for my wedding specifically so I don’t feel like I am using anybody. That being said, it sounds like you didn’t neccesarily set up boundaires up front, and pulling out of paying now would seem petty and upset her too much. I agree with other posters that you should write her a check and be done with it that way they don’t just keep sending you invoices. 

Ask the next time they are meeting with a vendor or someone, and ask if you can go, but tell them you aren’t there to offer opinions, just support. Maybe that will be a good way for you to get involved. 

Also, you’re her mother so feel free to tell her you feel she is acting spoiled lol

Post # 245
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

OP, I think you have received some good advice and validation of your feelings here and some crazy advice/comments here, but only you know the true story about your relationship with your daughter and whether her behavior is a one-off or common for her.

I’m not surprised that a thread about finances, mother/daughter relationships, and expectations has this many comments. Everyone, of course, is going to come at it from their own perspective, but many people aren’t giving their full background story or admitting that each situation is different. They are just blanketly calling you a narcissist or saying your daughter is entitled, while not including that they are going into debt to have a wedding or won’t be inviting their parents to their wedding because of bad blood. And I think giving advice while holding back an important circumstance that dictates that advice is wrong and harmful.

In my case, I am having a six-figure wedding thrown by my parents. 

I also have a very good relationship with my parents. My dad is kind of aloof and into his own life, but we are on good terms, and my mom is my best friend. She has been involved in every aspect of planning (in many instances moreso than my fiance, which he appreciates), and she would be this involved whether she was paying for the wedding or couldn’t contribute a dime. Her opinion means so much to me and we have had an incredible time listening to bands around town to select one, visiting venues, dress shopping, etc. Those are moments that I will cherish forever, and it makes me sad to think that your daughter is denying you that because she “gets stressed.”

I also struggle with the “you pay, you have say” mentality, as I think it’s a matter of respect to listen to parents wishes, on both sides, whether they are able/choose to help with the wedding or not. Obviously my experience bias is coming out there because I thankfully haven’t had to deal with controlling parents or moving past a rough childhood to have a good adult relationship with my parents. I will say that my parents will also have a lot of their friends at our wedding, which I saw pennysanddimes begrudingly agreed to because her parents are paying. I’m glad my parent’s friends will be there. Not only have many of them been part of my life as I was growing up, this is a celebration for my parents, too. 

If your daughter is the type of person that is able to listen and hear that she has made you upset by her actions, I would speak with her and explain that you are wanting to be involved. Maybe not even for your opinion, but just to get extra time with her and enjoy a time that our culture puts a lot of emphasis on.

Post # 246
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

beethree :  Other then inviting a few couples, my parents have ZERO involvement in my wedding planning.  So yes, I do personally know about such a situation.  It appears to be a rare one judging from these comments.  

As for real life: it bites everyone in the ass at some point.  You’re stupid if you think you can avoid it.

Post # 247
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

bear123 :  I didn’t begrudgingly agree to invite my parents friends.  Most of them I intended to invite.  There are a few couples I have never met.  My parents met them after I left home.  They are invited, again, not begrudgingly.

Post # 248
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

bear123 :  I think it’s bizarre that you made the point to comment about me incorrectly. 

Post # 249
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

pennysanddimes :  “My parents are paying significantly more then $30,000 for my wedding and I have agreed to invite many more of their friends than I would have otherwise.  ” You.

To me, that’s begrudgingly. Because I would never even think to mention how many of my parents friends are coming (until I saw your post), and the fact that they are coming as a sign of me being nice, as you made a point of doing.

Post # 250
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

bear123 :  Okay, I would never invite people I have never met if not for the fact that my parents are paying.  I guess that makes me a bitch.  Let me guess, you would invite unrelated strangers because you are so wonderful.  Yeah right.

Post # 251
Member
37 posts
Newbee

pennysanddimes :   You don’t have to believe me, but I can very easily send you a copy of my Master’s degree, social work license, number, and my National Provider number. You probably still won’t believe me, but the offer stands. I have no reason to lie about my profession on a wedding forum, but you’re only questioning me because I’m using my professional knowledge to tell you that you’re wrong.

All I’m staying is that a few people have thrown around “narcissism” in this thread and it’s just inaccurate. Someone said “textbook narcissism” in this thread and it’s no where close to what any professional would consider “textbook”. It’s what I called it earlier: an armchair diagnosis. 

You can question how I practice 40 hour a week from an observation on a forum if you’d like, but I’m literally just countering your opinion with a fact. 

Post # 252
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

mariaspitz1991 :  🙌 textbook narcissism was the other thread with the girl who wanted her husband to end his relationship with his father to spend more time with her family because “a son is a son until he takes a wife” lol

Post # 254
Member
37 posts
Newbee

burntorangeskies :  I could have sworn I saw the words “textbook narcissist” somewhere on this thread, but the word has been thrown around a lot in this conversation. I appreciate you looking out for me though 👌🏻

Post # 255
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

mariaspitz1991 :  “Textbook narcissist” was indeed mentioned on the previous page, when dani03 replied to me about my comment on so many people projecting.

 

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