I spent a lot of time reading all responses before answering…but I want to share my perspective as a daughter whose parents paid not for one, but 2 weddings.
First marriage I was pregnant, and I married my High School sweetheart in a “rush” I am Catholic and was not ready to have my church wedding so we had a civil wedding outside of a courthouse in a beautiful venue my parents picked. I didn’t pick the dj, the band, the flowers; my parents did. We didn’t have a first dance or a bouquet (because I though that down the road we would get the big church wedding) however, this was not a small wedding, it was a 250 guests; of which I knew a few. My parents and his friends talked about how fun it was and what a great wedding for years, even when I was getting a divorce.
I told you this story, because when I got a divorce and I looked back, I was in shock of how I didnt care of anything when I am a real Virgo and a crazy stressed person who needs to plan everything, and needs to have things done and feel in control to keep that stress from making me sick. But I just didn’t care, I was not ready and didn’t realized it until I was going through a divorce.
When I started dating my now Darling Husband, I told my mom how I dreamed about my wedding, the one in a church with my dad and my son walking me down the aisle. And she told me that she would be happy to gift it to me when it came.
My mom is super relax, and she knows how bad stress can affect me, and she also trusts me and knows that I am a “control freak” and a “planner”
So when Darling Husband proposed, she told me I had a 30k budget to do whatever I want with it. If I wanted to have a food truck and a rave, it was my thing and if it made me happy she would be happy too.
One week after beign engaged I already had a date a the church booked; I didn’t take my mom to see it or anything because I wanted that church and that was it, it was my wedding after all. I decided I would get married in 6 months, mainly because I was 31 and he 38 and I was ready for us to live together but wanted to get married before taking my kid to live with him. But there was another reason, I knew that having a lot of time would be an anxiety trigger and that the more time I had to plan things and think about having the perfect wedding the worst it would be for my mental health.
When I told mom the date and the church she was just so happy, and I went asking for the church’s payment money, and she didn’t feel like an ATM because this was her gift MY wedding, like the one I didnt have before.
Because of the anxiety issue, she offered to pay more so I could have a wedding planner to help me and make things easier, I can tell you that initial budget didnt work for the rooftop venue I was in love with, and I told her, she said it was ok to go over it, and I was like “mom dont ypu want to see the place?” And her answer was, if it makes you happy Im cool with it. So I did most things with my wedding planner and Maid/Matron of Honor (DH said he wanted me to have whatever I wanted, he just asked for a premium open bar and to not have a live band) so everytime I booked something I went to my mom asking for money like if she was an ATM, and she was cool with it, because it was her gift, no strings attached. Also I had a summer wedding to plan in 6 months and getting everything was difficult because everyone was already booked.
I wanted to include my mom in the process, because I wanted her opinions, and because I adore her. So we went dress shopping together, when we had the first tasting she went with me, my aunt, my Maid/Matron of Honor and th wedding planner. Then after tweaking the menu a little bit I had another tasting with my mom Mother-In-Law and Fiance.
Mother-In-Law thought I was kind of crazy for the location and it’s price and told my mom that maybe the country club was a better option, and my mom’s response was, this is what she wants, if she wants to hang a bat from the lights and it will make her happy, she can have it.
Of course they invited friends, but this time, they invited their friends that I know and that care about us, they had like 12 couples (not counting family). My dad was a little mad that he didn’t get to invite more people like he did on my first wedding (I actually think that he send a picture of the invite to his friends because I am sure I saw people I didnt invite on that day, but I didnt care) my dad also wanted a live band, and not only a Dj, but after telling him Darling Husband didnt want one, he accepted it. I think he almost died when he saw that we got a performer that sings “reggaeton”. But oh well on that day he was to happy to complain.
Let me tell you, I had the time of my life! I was the happiest bride ever, my close friends, my mom and anyone who knew me was in shocked of how relaxed I was.
I planned everything in 2 weeks (booked everyone) and just allowed the wedding planner to handle it.
It was 45k at the end. My parents didnt allowed me or my Darling Husband to pay the difference, and never told me they felt like ATMs (which they would have been entitled to feel)
I told you all of this, which I know is long (and sorry for any spelling mistakes, English is not my native language) because maybe your daughter is like me and feels like she wants to get things done in order to keep her stress from making her sick. And maybe you should bw a little bit mlre like my mom and trust her, and give her whatever wedding she wants if she sticks to the budget, and just be happy for her.
My first wedding was great, I know it was a lot of fun, I had the best of everything, but it didnt feel “mine”. This time, everyone went with my “crazy” “out of the normal” ideas, and it was perfect. And I know that for my parents the best part was to see how happy I was on that day.