My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 256
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

mariaspitz1991 :  That was me, I’ve said it on here. My opinion is based on my perspective. I’ve also clearly stated it’s my opinion. The way this is all being spun to me reads, narcissistic mom with an enabler dad.

I’m not a medical professional, but my personal experiences have clearly coloured my opinion of how OP is reacting as well as how her and her daughter are reacting to each other. 

We’re getting one side of the story and frankly the dots don’t all connect, and none of what OP saying is making sense to me, unless I view it as very much a narcissist struggling because her power and control has been taken away.

Post # 257
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee

DaniGirl03 :  This is such a dramatic interpretation of what the OP has told us. I do think lifetimegoal was correct when she mentioned projection.

 

Post # 258
Member
2962 posts
Sugar bee

catimitch :  Tell us about how you are really proud of your daughter and what you really love and admire about her. Tell us about all the things that you really like about her. Tell us about her strengths. Tell us about some of the fun.times you have had together.

Your answers will give us a much better insight into your motivation.

 

Post # 259
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

mariaspitz1991 :  oh no! I meant the girl who wrote that post truly was a textbook narcissist lol

Post # 260
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee

Supersleuth :  This is so beyond what OPs original post was about. OP isn’t required to provide a complete mental/emotional health history in order for internet strangers to answer such a simple question.

Post # 261
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

kristin36890 :  I’ve point blanked owned that I’m viewing it through my perspective, and yeah I’m probably projecting. 

Every time someone disagrees or questions OP, she puts the details. They’re not relevant details for the most part. People said as long as she’s on budget what does it matter so now she’s over budget. Then it’s well we’d have spent more but we’re not involved. And we cut her off at 18 because she was making thousands but we’ll pay for a wedding. She’s hard working and saves all her money but she’s ignoring OP when she mentions money. OP just doesn’t want them to go over budget and her daughter is just so stressed but she just wants to meet vendors and reevaluate the spending. She just wants to give her a chance but then they’re going to take away the money and reevaluate. She’s over budget when they haven’t paid a dime yet. 

When I read all the posts in the context of hurt mom who just wants to help her daughter it makes no sense to me.

When I read it in the context of narcissistic mom wants to be involved. Is mad that she’s not and is pulling power plays with the money, it makes a lot more sense. 

There’s obviously a lot of information missing. That would change people’s minds including mine. Again just my opinion. 

Post # 262
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

pennysanddimes :  Are you the sockpuppet of a regular Bee who posts under this alter-ego for shits and giggles or are you truly this mindnumbingly irritating? Kinda hard to tell….

 

p.s. What you’re displaying is not called ‘self-worth’, it’s called arrogance and it’s not an asset when wrapped up in ego and smugness and trotted out to gloat over. 

 

Post # 263
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Who are you?  What are you even talking about?  Do you really think that there are people pathetic enough to have alteregos on a wedding websites?  The fact that you do makes me unbelievably sad for you.  

Nope, I’m a regular person who is planning her wedding who stumbled upon this nonsense.  I’ve responded to a couple of threads that have caught my fancy for personal reasons.  I continue to be blown away by the odd people I’ve encountered on here.  I sincerely hope that you’ve been paid to post close to 6,000 comments on here.  The alternative would be to depressing to imagine.

Post # 264
Member
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

pennysanddimes :  yeah, I don’t think anyone’s takeaway here is that Robbie is the odd one. 

you come here out of the blue just weeks ago with this huuuge chip on your shoulder about “bees” -keep saying we’re all jealous in between diagnosing posters with narcissism and denying half of what you’ve written.

 Any time anyone calls you on it, you lash out – accuse them of being jealous, ask what they’re doing here, suggest someone should pay them, suggest they’re too young to know anything- you just throw anything at the wall to try to discredit people who are calling you on your behavior- all while diagnosing people as a narcissist. I do love a good ironic twist. 

 

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  lol, place your bets here. Happy galentines lovely bee!! 

Post # 266
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

BalletParker :  Oh yeah, you’re Diane Monique’s bff.  How honored I am to have caught the attention of such a VIP.

Post # 267
Member
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

pennysanddimes :  You realize this isn’t all about you, don’t you? 

No one is “monitoring” your comments. It’s an open forum that you keep choosing to wage battles in and crying foul when anyone returns fire. Good luck with that. 

Post # 268
Member
9215 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

pennysanddimes :  “I continue to be blown away by the odd people I’ve encountered on here.”

cool. feel free to leave whenever.

Post # 269
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I spent a lot of time reading all responses before answering…but I want to share my perspective as a daughter whose parents paid not for one, but 2 weddings.

First marriage I was pregnant, and I married my High School sweetheart in a “rush” I am Catholic and was not ready to have my church wedding so we had a civil wedding outside of a courthouse in a beautiful venue my parents picked. I didn’t pick the dj, the band, the flowers; my parents did. We didn’t have a first dance or a bouquet (because I though that down the road we would get the big church wedding) however, this was not a small wedding, it was a 250 guests; of which I knew a few. My parents and his friends talked about how fun it was and what a great wedding for years, even when I was getting a divorce. 

I told you this story, because when I got a divorce and I looked back, I was in shock of how I didnt care of anything when I am a real Virgo and a crazy stressed person who needs to plan everything, and needs to have things done and feel in control to keep that stress from making me sick. But I just didn’t care, I was not ready and didn’t realized it until I was going through a divorce.

When I started dating my now Darling Husband, I told my mom how I dreamed about my wedding, the one in a church with my dad and my son walking me down the aisle. And she told me that she would be happy to gift it to me when it came. 

My mom is super relax, and she knows how bad stress can affect me, and she also trusts me and knows that I am a “control freak” and a “planner”

So when Darling Husband proposed, she told me I had a 30k budget to do whatever I want with it. If I wanted to have a food truck and a rave, it was my thing and if it made me happy she would be happy too. 

One week after beign engaged I already had a date a the church booked; I didn’t take my mom to see it or anything because I wanted that church and that was it, it was my wedding after all. I decided I would get married in 6 months, mainly because I was 31 and he 38 and I was ready for us to live together but wanted to get married before taking my kid to live with him. But there was another reason, I knew that having a lot of time would be an anxiety trigger and that the more time I had to plan things and think about having the perfect wedding the worst it would be for my mental health.

When I told mom the date and the church she was just so happy, and I went asking for the church’s payment money, and she didn’t feel like an ATM because this was her gift MY wedding, like the one I didnt have before. 

Because of the anxiety issue, she offered to pay more so I could have a wedding planner to help me and make things easier, I can tell you that initial budget didnt work for the rooftop venue I was in love with, and I told her, she said it was ok to go over it, and I was like “mom dont ypu want to see the place?” And her answer was, if it makes you happy Im cool with it. So I did most things with my wedding planner and Maid/Matron of Honor (DH said he wanted me to have whatever I wanted, he just asked for a premium open bar and to not have a live band) so everytime I booked something I went to my mom asking for money like if she was an ATM, and she was cool with it, because it was her gift, no strings attached. Also I had a summer wedding to plan in 6 months and getting everything was difficult because everyone was already booked.

I wanted to include my mom in the process, because I wanted her opinions, and because I adore her. So we went dress shopping together, when we had the first tasting she went with me, my aunt, my Maid/Matron of Honor and th wedding planner. Then after tweaking the menu a little bit I had another tasting with my mom Mother-In-Law and Fiance.

Mother-In-Law thought I was kind of crazy for the location and it’s price and told my mom that maybe the country club was a better option, and my mom’s response was, this is what she wants, if she wants to hang a bat from the lights and it will make her happy, she can have it. 

Of course they invited friends, but this time, they invited their friends that I know and that care about us, they had like 12 couples (not counting family). My dad was a little mad that he didn’t get to invite more people like he did on my first wedding (I actually think that he send a picture of the invite to his friends because I am sure I saw people I didnt invite on that day, but I didnt care) my dad also wanted a live band, and not only a Dj, but after telling him Darling Husband didnt want one, he accepted it. I think he almost died when he saw that we got a performer that sings “reggaeton”. But oh well on that day he was to happy to complain. 

Let me tell you, I had the time of my life! I was the happiest bride ever, my close friends, my mom and anyone who knew me was in shocked of how relaxed I was. 

I planned everything in 2 weeks (booked everyone) and just allowed the wedding planner to handle it. 

It was 45k at the end. My parents didnt allowed me or my Darling Husband to pay the difference, and never told me they felt like ATMs (which they would have been entitled to feel) 

I told you all of this, which I know is long (and sorry for any spelling mistakes, English is not my native language) because maybe your daughter is like me and feels like she wants to get things done in order to keep her stress from making her sick. And maybe you should bw a little bit mlre like my mom and trust her, and give her whatever wedding she wants if she sticks to the budget, and just be happy for her. 

My first wedding was great, I know it was a lot of fun, I had the best of everything, but it didnt feel “mine”. This time, everyone went with my “crazy” “out of the normal” ideas, and it was perfect. And I know that for my parents the best part was to see how happy I was on that day. 

Post # 270
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Btw, I know I am a very lucky girl! 

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