Post # 271
catimitch : I haven’t read all of the comments but I’ve tried to get all of your updates and here’s what I think.
Your daughter doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough to be planning this wedding. And I’m not saying that to be critical — I opted for a small, intimate ceremony because I knew I would not be able to handle planning a bigger wedding either. You mentioned early on she wanted to elope and have a destination wedding. Did you mean she wanted a destination elopement? Because having both an elopement and a destination wedding doesn’t make sense to me, but please correct me if I’m wrong. Either way, you said you felt it was inappropriate for you to fund that if you didn’t even get to attend and that’s fine, I completely understand that. But I wonder if she really would’ve been happier and less stressed if she did elope. Maybe she’s stressed because she resents planning this wedding but she and her fiance couldn’t afford to do what they really wanted? I guess I would try to have a conversation with her and find out if she’s really happy with having this wedding.
But if they’re already committed to this wedding and they do want it, then you need to sit down with her and be honest with her. Tell her you’re hurt that you’re not more involved in the planning process. Make it clear you’re not trying to make all the decisions but would like to be involved in some capacity. Unless she’s a total control freak, I feel there must be something she can involve you in that would actually relieve some stress on her end.
Finally, you and your husband need to be firm on the budget. If you bring it up and she gives you the “Mom, stop, this is stressing me out” you need to tell her “Sweetie, I know you’re stressed but we need to talk about this and we need to talk about this now.” She needs to learn she can’t shut down/ignore people because she’s feeling stressed, and you need to make her aware of that. If she can’t handle the stress, she shouldn’t be planning a wedding. That may seem harsh but as a 28-year-old woman myself, she’s acting very immaturely.
Good luck. Contrary to other comments, I think you’re being a very loving, generous mother, but you need to set some boundaries and clearly communicate with your daughter on this.
Post # 272
pennysanddimes : let me just put it out there… you’re 30 over and you’re having your parents pay for your wedding?? LOL.
Post # 273
OH my well this certainly blew up while I was gone. There is an update. We sat down with my daughter and her fiancé and just laid it all out. Both my daughter and her fiancé both agreed that they hadn’t really been looking at prices, they just saw what they like and went for it. My husband has calmed down by now. We agreed the best way to go about this is to just give them the money and anything over is on them. We were met with some resistance by her(“Mom I’m going to be even more stressed, we just bought a house, blah blah”) Her fiancé calmly stepped in and said it’s only fair, they will just need to scale back a bit. His first suggestion was cutting down on the size of the event since they currently have a guest list of 200 people. “Oh so now all the people who got save the dates won’t even go to the wedding” she countered with. We just calmly reminded her that there’s plenty of ways to cut costs and stay in budget and if there’s something extra you want, you work hard for it. “You said you guys were paying, so we just didn’t budget for this. Can you see why this stresses me out?” She said to us. “Well it’s up to you guys how much you go over by” I reminded her. After a bit more banter things calmed down. My daughter asked if we could get breakfast this weekend. Things seem good for now.
Someone asked me to state some positive personal qualities about my daughter and what I love about her. I don’t need to justify my love for my children online to someone I don’t know because it seems like nothing I say will be good enough for some people. One thing I do know is my daughter is headstrong, strong willed, determined, and when she sets her eyes on something, she goes for it and she gets it. That’s how she was able to be so successful with her talent early on. Our family traveled with her all over the country where she made a number of appearances on TV shows and even now she’ll still be featured at events advertising “Sarah Smith as seen on The Voice” (don’t take Sarah Smith or The Voice literally it’s just my incognito example ha ha). But her willpower and determination have made us all very proud. She’s a fantastic teacher who is passionate about her job and her kids. She is the definition of a “ray of sunshine”. When things come together, she will makes beautiful bride and I’m looking forward to seeing how she handles this responsibility 🙂
Post # 274
catimitch : You have been very graceful in the face of some extremely unfair and nasty criticism. I’m happy to hear your update, and very glad you and your husband were firm with your daughter. Enjoy the wedding! Hopefully next time you’ll be posting about something less serious, like which dress to wear on her day.
Post # 275
des- : I grew up on a religious ranch in the Bible Belt on the US. I’m old, I’m lived, I’ve had experience. It’s going to take a lot more to rattle me than some stranger on the internet who feels brave behind a screen. Besides most of you “bees” were very helpful 🙂
Post # 276
catimitch : I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because you said all those great things about her but *damn* does she sound entitled and selfish right now. Anyways, as you’ve said I’m sure it’s a bad side effect from planning a wedding, somehow? IDK.
I think you and your husband made the right call! You are still helping her out with the wedding, VERY generously, and it’s a good thing you had this conversation now because it doesn’t seem like they were budgeting AT ALL and if you hadn’t talked about it they would have went way over and you and your husband would have been expected to pay.
Also wanted to add, since you’ve gotten a lot of attacks from people on this thread, you sound like an amazing, supportive, generous, and caring mother.
Post # 277
gwenchilada : even on your children’s worst days, you still see them in the best light
Post # 278
catimitch : Yay update! I am glad you finally seem to have a resolution. Just remember to stand firm on your maximum contribution: I struggled with my wedding budget and my husband and I paid for it ourselves. I can imagine how much easier it would be to push back on a budget when someone else is paying…
This thread really took some extremely weird turns, with the casual medical diagnoses (how can anyone defend that as just an “opinion”, particularly when they are not a medical professional?? “I just ~feel~ like you are schizophrenic”), the demands for you to ennumerate the ways you have demonstrated love for your daughter, the judgement of how you have chosen to spend your own damn money (I just can’t see why it was relevant to discuss your daughter’s education costs?)… I hope you are not too scarred from this OP!
Post # 279
des- : “Hopefully next time you’ll be posting about something less serious, like which dress to wear on her day.”
OP, please post a picture of a long white gown and ask if it is OK to wear to your daughter’s wedding. I don’t think you have gotten enough emotionally charged responses 😋
(please don’t. The ensuing eruption would cause my phone to spontaneously combust lol)
Post # 280
livster : ha ha! I was planning on not only wearing a white gown to her wedding, but i was hoping with some help on what veil to go with too..
Post # 281
catimitch : I’m glad to see your update and things were straightened out. I hope you continue to stand your ground and wouldn’t let her guilt trip you into covering additional expenses!
I’m also glad her Fiance is stepping up to the plate and trying to get a handle on the expenses.
Post # 282
catimitch : well handled!! Glad you stood your ground. Your daughter seems bitten by the bridal bug if she’s not normally like this. You did well and protected your relationship and budget.
Suggestions re the dress you should wear, something subtle and tasteful, something that says “just here to support the bride” : 😉
Post # 283
- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
BalletParker : I don’t remember having authorized you to post my unique&classy wedding dress pic. I’m shocked.
Post # 284
I still say this was never about control, but communication. It was never really established exactly what was being proposed here.
Just because the ultimate responsibility for paying for a wedding rests with the couple, does not mean there is is anything wrong with parents with the means and desire, to offer to host and or pay. What’s more, just because it is the ultimate responsibility of the couple does not mean they can’t gratefully accept said offer. To call any prospective host controlling because they want to be involved in an event they are planning, at their own home no less, is absurd.
Of course it’s always the prerogative of the couple to host and or pay for their own wedding. The problem here is that the daughter and OP were operating on different assumptions without fully discussing.
However, now OP’s D is being disingenuous. She knew the budget from the outset. My guess is she hoped OP would be flexible once the reality of costs for the kind of affair she imagined became more apparent. It’s not surprising she’d think this was a possibility since OP said the figure was probably not set in stone.
Whatever the initial understanding, what’s most shocking is that she thought she could just give you invoices and head off in a direction to exceed the budget without even the courtesy of consulting.
She’s right that Save-The-Date Cards should never have been sent if the guest list might have to be cut. The only option at this point is to control costs in other ways. I’m glad she now seems to understand that you are not an open checkbook.
Lastly, I think it’s unfair that posters criticize OP for not finding a college education while wanting to contribute to a wedding. She clearly said that the income from D’s talent or skill paid for much of that. I’m sure the parents put in many years and considerable resources to develop that talent.
Post # 285
- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
catimitch : you seem to be a truly adorable person. The way you handled all the madness in this topic plus the situation with your daughter is inspiring! Kudos to you! 🌹💖🌹