My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 271
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

catimitch :  I haven’t read all of the comments but I’ve tried to get all of your updates and here’s what I think.

Your daughter doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough to be planning this wedding. And I’m not saying that to be critical — I opted for a small, intimate ceremony because I knew I would not be able to handle planning a bigger wedding either. You mentioned early on she wanted to elope and have a destination wedding. Did you mean she wanted a destination elopement? Because having both an elopement and a destination wedding doesn’t make sense to me, but please correct me if I’m wrong. Either way, you said you felt it was inappropriate for you to fund that if you didn’t even get to attend and that’s fine, I completely understand that. But I wonder if she really would’ve been happier and less stressed if she did elope. Maybe she’s stressed because she resents planning this wedding but she and her fiance couldn’t afford to do what they really wanted? I guess I would try to have a conversation with her and find out if she’s really happy with having this wedding. 

But if they’re already committed to this wedding and they do want it, then you need to sit down with her and be honest with her. Tell her you’re hurt that you’re not more involved in the planning process. Make it clear you’re not trying to make all the decisions but would like to be involved in some capacity. Unless she’s a total control freak, I feel there must be something she can involve you in that would actually relieve some stress on her end.

Finally, you and your husband need to be firm on the budget. If you bring it up and she gives you the “Mom, stop, this is stressing me out” you need to tell her “Sweetie, I know you’re stressed but we need to talk about this and we need to talk about this now.” She needs to learn she can’t shut down/ignore people because she’s feeling stressed, and you need to make her aware of that. If she can’t handle the stress, she shouldn’t be planning a wedding. That may seem harsh but as a 28-year-old woman myself, she’s acting very immaturely. 

Good luck. Contrary to other comments, I think you’re being a very loving, generous mother, but you need to set some boundaries and clearly communicate with your daughter on this.

Post # 272
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pennysanddimes :  let me just put it out there… you’re 30 over and you’re having your parents pay for your wedding?? LOL.

Post # 274
Hostess
3176 posts
Sugar bee

catimitch :  You have been very graceful in the face of some extremely unfair and nasty criticism. I’m happy to hear your update, and very glad you and your husband were firm with your daughter. Enjoy the wedding! Hopefully next time you’ll be posting about something less serious, like which dress to wear on her day.

Post # 276
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

catimitch :  I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because you said all those great things about her but *damn* does she sound entitled and selfish right now. Anyways, as you’ve said I’m sure it’s a bad side effect from planning a wedding, somehow? IDK.

I think you and your husband made the right call! You are still helping her out with the wedding, VERY generously, and it’s a good thing you had this conversation now because it doesn’t seem like they were budgeting AT ALL and if you hadn’t talked about it they would have went way over and you and your husband would have been expected to pay. 

Also wanted to add, since you’ve gotten a lot of attacks from people on this thread, you sound like an amazing, supportive, generous, and caring mother. 

Post # 278
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee

catimitch :  Yay update! I am glad you finally seem to have a resolution. Just remember to stand firm on your maximum contribution: I struggled with my wedding budget and my husband and I paid for it ourselves. I can imagine how much easier it would be to push back on a budget when someone else is paying…

This thread really took some extremely weird turns, with the casual medical diagnoses (how can anyone defend that as just an “opinion”, particularly when they are not a medical professional?? “I just ~feel~ like you are schizophrenic”), the demands for you to ennumerate the ways you have demonstrated love for your daughter, the judgement of how you have chosen to spend your own damn money (I just can’t see why it was relevant to discuss your daughter’s education costs?)… I hope you are not too scarred from this OP!

Post # 279
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee

des- :  “Hopefully next time you’ll be posting about something less serious, like which dress to wear on her day.”

OP, please post a picture of a long white gown and ask if it is OK to wear to your daughter’s wedding. I don’t think you have gotten enough emotionally charged responses πŸ˜‹

(please don’t. The ensuing eruption would cause my phone to spontaneously combust lol)

Post # 281
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

catimitch :  I’m glad to see your update and things were straightened out.  I hope you continue to stand your ground and wouldn’t let her guilt trip you into covering additional expenses!

I’m also glad her Fiance is stepping up to the plate and trying to get a handle on the expenses.

Post # 282
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

catimitch :  well handled!! Glad you stood your ground. Your daughter seems bitten by the bridal bug if she’s not normally like this. You did well and protected your relationship and budget.

 

Suggestions re the dress you should wear, something subtle and tasteful, something that says “just here to support the bride” : πŸ˜‰

 

Post # 283
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

BalletParker :  I don’t remember having authorized you to post my unique&classy wedding dress pic. I’m shocked.

 

πŸ˜‚

Post # 284
Member
12119 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I still say this was never about control, but communication. It was never really established exactly what was being proposed here. 

Just because the ultimate responsibility for paying for a wedding rests with the couple, does not mean there is is anything wrong with parents with the means and desire,  to offer to host and or pay. What’s more, just because it is the ultimate responsibility of the couple does not mean they can’t gratefully accept said offer. To call any prospective host controlling because they want to be involved in an event they are planning, at their own home no less, is absurd. 

Of course it’s always the prerogative of the couple to host and or pay for their own wedding. The problem here is that the daughter and OP were operating on different assumptions without fully discussing. 

However, now OP’s D is being disingenuous. She knew the budget from the outset. My guess is she hoped OP would  be flexible once the reality of costs for the kind of affair she imagined became more apparent.  It’s not surprising she’d think this was a possibility since OP said the figure was probably not set in stone. 

Whatever the initial understanding, what’s most shocking is that she thought she could just give you invoices and head off in a direction to exceed the budget without even the courtesy of consulting.

She’s right that Save-The-Date Cards should never have been sent if the guest list might have to be cut. The only option at this point is to control costs in other ways. I’m glad she now seems to understand that you are not an open checkbook.

Lastly, I think it’s unfair that posters criticize OP for not finding a college education while wanting to contribute to a wedding. She clearly said that the income from D’s talent or skill paid for much of that. I’m sure the parents put in many years and considerable resources to develop that talent. 

Post # 285
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

catimitch :  you seem to be a truly adorable person. The way you handled all the madness in this topic plus the situation with your daughter is inspiring! Kudos to you! πŸŒΉπŸ’–πŸŒΉ

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