My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

Her not including you in the decision process would be fine IF she was paying for it herself. At the VERY LEAST she should be making sure you approve of each vendor’s price.  She is being very entitled and disrespectful not sticking to the budget or asking for approval. You need to put your foot down now.

Post # 32
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m currently trying to plan my wedding (or delegate the planning from afar), and my parents are footing the bill. I’m extremely grateful for that.  They aren’t exerting very much creative control over it – that’s taken care of by me, the restrictive venues (both the church and the club where the reception will take place have lots of rules about how your events will go down and have preferred vendors and stuff), and my younger sister, who’s the de facto wedding planner (she’s a professional event planner).

My dad has some serious Opinions about stuff and can get really pushy, and it’s kind of stressful to deal with.  His bridezilla streak is starting to show.  My sister is doing her best to contain him and wrangle some more control from him and make herself the first point of contact instead of him (he’s a member of the club where the reception will take place, but truth is that my sister is the one who knows what she’s talking about when it comes to getting stuff planned and my dad can be difficult to work with).

I think if I was trying to plan the whole wedding directly with my parents, we’d all murder each other before the big day.  While I think your daughter is being pretty crass, I think more involvement on your part probably WOULD cause her more stress (I’m stressed even though I’m doing most planning by proxy through my sister).  HOWEVER, I do agree that you should put your foot down about budgetary restraints – it’s really not cool of her to go over budget without consulting you, since you hold the purse strings.  In my situation, I’m trying to be conscious of budget and wouldn’t go ahead and book someone without clearing it with my parents (financial consultation, not creative).  There’s a difference between participating in selecting a DJ and making sure the DJ would work in the budget.

Post # 33
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Why don’t you pick a 1-3 wedding planning things and ask to be involved in those decisions? For example, picking the flowers. Let your daughter know how much it would mean to you to be involved. Maybe she won’t freak out if she knows you’re not trying to get involved in everything, but a select few things. 

Post # 34
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

i would just give them the lump sum of money you have budgeted to give them, say, “Here.” and let them do what they want. if they go over its their problem.  

Post # 35
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

catimitch :  No offence to your daughter but she sounds kind of immature for 28. That sounds like the attitude of a 16 year old. I wonder if you have always given her what she’s wanted and that’s why she’s acting like this now? 

I’m engaged and my parents are being super generous and paying for most of the wedding, I am super apprciative and it was more than I expected so I am happy to have their opinions on things. I do think how my mom is handling it is what makes it easy for her and I to plan together. She understands this is me and my fiance’s wedding and that we will make the decisions that work for us and she always asks how things went. We’ve had one hiccup in the 3 months of planning and that was she stressed me out about the wedding colors after dresses had been purchased. But we talked it out and handled everything maturely. 

I think you need to sit your daughter down and explain that you know this is her wedding but that you won’t stand for being treated like an ATM. You would like to be considered in decisions that involve checks being written. 

Post # 36
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The answer depends on your understanding with her going into this. Was your offer an offer to host and pay or to make a no strings gift? There is a huge difference. 

If you are hosting or co-hosting then you have every right to be involved with the planning and approval of vendors. If you offered to make a lump sum gift that’s different, but under the circumstances IMO your daughter would still be acting entitled and ungracious, IMO.

Their ages are a factor, but not how you think. Even traditionally, a financially independent couple living on their own are 100% responsible for paying for their own wedding. Again, if your very generous offer was actually to host or co-host and she is not okay with that, she and Fiance should go ahead and plan and pay for the wedding they can afford. 

I am probably in between your generation and your daughter’s but our parents co-hosted and I would never have behaved this way. To answer your question, what has changed are the number of couples paying for or contributing heavily to their own wedding. People are getting much married later and their parents may be coming up on retirement.  

Post # 37
Member
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You pay, you play. They are treating you like an ATM because you are allowing it. If they want to make all the decisions for the wedding with no input, they need to pay for it yourself. You either need to decide if the money is a gift to them to do as they wish or if it comes with strings. If it’s a gift, let them do their planning as they wish. If it comes with strings you need to put your foot down and tell her you need to be involved or they can pay for it themselves.

FWIW, my parents contributed about half of our wedding budget, and did not require any sort of input. They considered the money a gift to do as we wished. Had it come with strings I would have declined because making my own decisions was more important. 

Post # 38
Member
613 posts
Busy bee

catimitch :  I am very lucky, my parents gave me a set amount of money towards my wedding, and within that budget, they have given me completely free reign to do with it what I like.  Anything over that amount, my Fiance and I are paying for.

There seem to be TWO issues here.

1.  It sounds like you feel left out of the planning process and want to be involved.

So you need to ask yourself, was this money a gift to have the wedding she wants?  Or was it contingent on you having a say in the wedding? And did you and your daughter discuss these things when you discussed you and your husband said you would pay for the wedding?

2.  You agreed to pay for the wedding, and have set a budget, she is not respecting that budget and expects you to pay more than you agreed.

This is something that you and your husband need to address.  You need to say, “Hey, we agreed to pay for the wedding.  But if we are paying for the wedding it needs to remain within our budget.” And then you need to stick to your guns on that.

 

Post # 39
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

My parents paid for our wedding. We didn’t want a big celebration (we were planning on having a small dinner for inmmediate family and close friends) but it was important for my parents that we planned a formalish wedding so both families and extended families could attend. We ended up taking their offer -and solicitation- and started planning a wedding.

We were NOT given a budget. Instead, my parent tolds us to present to them three to five proposals with the venue, food and other expenses we were considering to use. Each proposal should include a spreadsheet with the cost of everything. Then, we would all sit down (parents, Fiance, me) and discuss each proposal until we all agreed on one. We got to share and hear what was important for each part, and since we all had to agree on a proposal Fiance and I had to learn to negotiate and to compromise. For example: my mom wanted beautiful flower arrangements on each table and I wanted just a sigle white rose, we compromise on having some tables with a single white rose and other with many flowers.

The ending proposal had some major changes to the original one since it included pieces of what all of us wanted -including the ones paying for the wedding. We ended having lasagña for dinner, which Fiance and I wanted, but we also extra appetizers and a second dish because my parent’s weren’t particularly fond of only having lasagña. We choose a nice venue that wasn’t that much of the liking of my parents, but my they agreed on it because it had comfortable chairs and a lovely view. And so on.

 

Maybe you and your husband can try a similar approach. Instead of just giving them the money, make them talk it with you. If you do not agree tell them you’re not paying for that and limit your to three or four things: venue, food, ceremony and wedding cake. After all, this is what actually makes the wedding, everything else is extra. You don’t have to be rude or mean about it, but you need to be firm. Your daughter and her Fiance need to understand that it is NOT your obligation to help them with the wedding, but rather your joy and they way they are treating you -like an ATM- is hurtful and wrong.

Think about the wedding as if you were building a house, you wouldn’t just blantly give out the money to the constructor without knowing what he’s building would you? You would ask to see the plans and get involved when it came choosing this or that. Do the same here. If she wants you to pay for flowers, tell her to come up with some ideas to show you so you can both agree on what you’re paying for. If she wants a DJ, tell her to bring you samples so can be sure that you’re money is wisely invested. If she refuses, tell her that you’re sorry but you can not help them.

Fiance and I wanted chocolate-covered pretzels for our souvenirs. My mom thought I was crazy and insisted we should have a better type of souvernirs -she wouldn’t pay for the pretzels. I hold my ground my ground and paid for them despite not having that much money. It thought a valuable lesson and I managed to get away with what I wanted.

Good luck!

Post # 40
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Let her know if she wants you to spend over budget that you’ll need to meet this vendor to see why exactly you should give them more of your hard earned money than you were originally prepared to. If she doesn’t want to do that, she can pay.

I personally, like your daughter, did not like it when my mother or Mother-In-Law were overly involved in items I didn’t want their input in.  So I get where your daughter is coming from. But they also were not paying.  Add to that the idea of her choosing a vendor out of your budget and just sending you the bill anyway is enough to make me vomit a little. She sounds like a brat.

Post # 41
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Just write them a check for whatever you are comfortable contributing and let them do what they want with it. 

Post # 42
Member
6448 posts
Bee Keeper

Honestly, I know everyone is saying “It’s her wedding” but seriously she’s being a spoiled brat.  I would never treat my mom that way, being all “I’m sending the invoice your way” Who knows what amount she’s spending and what she’s going with.  That’s how weddings get to be thousands and thousands of dollars quickly.  Honestly, this will sound mean but if my daughter was like that I’d cut her off and stop paying any invoices.  I’d flat out tell her, either she can at least include you in the prices prior to agreeing or you’re not paying for anymore.  Or you return the invoices to the vendor stating your daughter will be paying.

It is completely different if she was being nice abaout it and including you but the fact that she’s going about it the way she is is very very rude.

Post # 43
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee

Why would she discuss any part of her wedding with you or involve you in the planning?

It’s her wedding. You’ve graciously offered to pay and have given her a budget that you’re comfortable spending. So why would she involve you in every single decision she makes. If you didn’t want to pay or wanted to have a say in every decision the couple made then you should have made that clear as a string attached to the money. 

If you don’t want her to go over a certain amount, then simply gift her that amount for her wedding, if she goes over it’s on her. If there are certain things you would like to be involved with because they’re important to you, then discuss it with her. If you want certain people invited, then make sure she has that information.

At 28 your daughter is an adult and I’m sure wants to make her own choices, and not running all the decisions for her wedding through her parents. It’s her wedding not yours so I’m not sure how much input you were expecting other than commenting on arrangements she’s made or might be choosing between. I don’t think she’s intentionally treating you like an ATM but weddings are expensive and if you’re paying of course the bills are coming to you. She sounds like she’s discussing the wedding with you, but she’s not involving you in the decision making process.

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