My daughter doesn't want me to be included in planning

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 106
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I am on the same page as several of the previous posters. Totally agree with “Here is the $30,000 my darling that Dad and I are happy to give you for your big day BUT I know as a 28 year old adult you will understand if you go over that then it is your responsibilty to pay for the rest.”

If I could use that line ” Stop you’re stressing me out” as a way of getting my bills paid without any further discussion well ahhh.. that would be wonderful. She obviously is not the only one experiencing stress in this situation but seems to be the one getting away with using that as an excuse not to face facts. Looks like a bit of gratitude and bugeting is missing here and if she keeps getting away with it well then she will keep doing it. 

Post # 107
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

catimitch :  At this point I think you need to give a reality check that she’s over the $30k and you will no longer be offering anymore money.  Honestly I think you’re being too easy on her.  For a 28 year old she should know better. Just because she’s stressed out doesn’t mean she should get the free card.  Even without yours of her Fiance input she’s stressed out and she’s being rude – and no offence- ungrateful.  She’s hurting her relationship with her love ones just for the sake of a one day celebration.  

If she can’t handle the stress she has people (like yourself) who can help her out. Yes ultimately it is her choice.  But don’t be a doormat.

Post # 109
Member
440 posts
Helper bee

I think there’s a difference between being involved and being overbearing. Being involved is stuff like “Let us come along when you go try out menus or see venus.” Being overbearinig is “No, you cannot pick this venue, we don’t like it.”

If you want to be involved but not overbearing, and you’re paying then in my opinion, you should be. Tell your daughter you want to be more involved or she can start paying for her wedding herself, like my parents told me and still do sometimes, they’re not an ATM. They need updates and they want to know my plans and intentions and they want to be involved.

And if she’s over-budget, the rest of it is on her.

Post # 110
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

catimitch :  Can you just give your daughter the money up front, or in installments, and be done with it? That way she can’t go over budget or keep on sending you invoices like you’re her personal cash cow.

My parents paid for 2/3 of our wedding like this BUT I was so stressed out because my mom kept on being pushy, she cared a lot about what her friends would think. She didn’t like our wedding date, our venue, our invites not having a map, etc. So I kinda understand why your daughter doesn’t want you involved at all. At the same time, it sounds like you’re not being pushy and just want to get involved in helping, not necessarily getting your way with picking things. I’m not sure what you can do if she’s been acting like this with everybody. Tell her that it’s stressing you out that she’s sending you invoices that are over budget? Ha ha.  Anyway, my suggestion is to give the money as described above, then stay hands off. Maybe if her behavior escalates, her Fiance will talk to her about how she’s handling things badly with family and friends.

 

Post # 111
Member
6538 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s hard for me to imagine an independent 38 year old groom being willing to let the ILs foot the bill for his wedding.

If you are paying I would expect you to have some input. Things can get pretty out of hand if she’s just sending you the bills–you really may want to just give them a check and let them know that’s all there is if you aren’t going to be included in the planning anyway. 

Post # 112
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

The suggestion to send a check for the agreed-upon $30,000 and be done with it is an excellent one.  Your daughter is way out of line.  If you don’t put your foot down on this, be prepared to provide full-time daycare for her children without compensation….

Post # 113
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So um…..have you decided on course of action?  We need some closure here wink

Post # 114
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

catimitch :  a frugal daughter suddenly spending in an uncontrollable bridezilla manner? Rather than letting her continue digging a hole to jump in or be afraid of her potential outbursts, why can’t you just sit her down, show her the invoices, reiterate the calculation of how much she has technically spent and how she’s planning to pay the extra $5k. Since you said your relationship with her is great and all, why are you afraid of her outbursts or being overwhelmed? Is she dealing with some ongoing mental health issues? If she is, and has been recovering, check with her. If you’re truly close to her, ask her if she’s going bonkers or what is causing her such an enormous change of her nutcase spending behaviour? What is the 38-year-old and a 28-year-old doing relying wholly on parents to pay for the wedding? Whatever your daughter did, isn’t a norm to you nor anyone else who knows her. That’s what I understand from your replies to PPs. She needs help. Else, prepare a $100k cheque.

Our parents aren’t paying for our wedding. His parents wanted to but we decided we can afford a small wedding. We want to spend £5k, but even after we cut down on various items, e.g. pre-owned dress, no sit-down reception, I doubt it’d be anywhere near our initial budget the moment we include flights and accommodation. LOL. Rather than my mother paying for us, I’d be glad if she doesn’t make me buy her plane tickets. We’ll be covering her accommodation and any other expenditure when she comes for our wedding next year. She doesn’t say she expects that, but yeah, we both know she expects that. Your daughter is blessed with generous parents. Tell your husband that he’s awesome wanting to spend such a big sum of money on a wedding, especially you said he’s a frugal man!

Post # 115
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

catimitch :  

Whoever pays the piper calls the tune. Anyone who is paying for a wedding should have at least some input. Your daugther sounds very entitled and spoiled. She’s in for a rude awakening once she gets married because she certainly won’t get her way all the time once she’s a wife. 

It doesn’t sound like you’re being overbearing which is great. My mother was so pushy and overbearing that we eloped. She and my father wanted to pay for my wedding but it wasn’t out of generosity. It was because my mother wanted the wedding to reflect her tastes and desires. 

Post # 116
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like she is a spoiled brat and you’re scared of saying anything in case she cuts you out completely. 

Post # 117
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

BE FIRM ABOUT YOUR BUDGET. I agree with other posters, give her a check or deposit of $30K (or $35K) and say that’s all you’re contributing.  When my parents generously contributed to my wedding, they gave me a deposit for what they budgeted before I even did much planning. DO NOT let her continue to go over budget with the expectation that you will pay for everything.  She is taking advantage of you!  If she keeps saying you’re “stressing” her out, you can respond that giving her a clear budget will help with her planning, and that she could budget for a wedding planner or ask you for help if she’s overwhelmed.  If she wants to be a spoiled brat and emotionally manipulate you into spending more than you initially agreed to spend, that’s on her.

Post # 118
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Nope. Give her your $30k check and be done with it. I’m sure then she’d find a way to cut costs so everything is under 30k 

Post # 119
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

catimitch :  You were really wondering if your 26 year old daughter would ever meet anyone?  Seriously?  That’s where you lost me.  An experienced, grown woman shouldn’t be overly concerned that her 26 year old daughter is still single.  The fact that you were, tells me that you are WAY, WAY too involved in her life.

Take a step back and look at the big picture here, Mamacita.  If anything, I think you should be a lot more worried that your daughter’s 38 year old grown ass fiancé isn’t paying for this wedding than the fact that you don’t have a say about the caterer.  

Post # 120
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

The solution here is pretty simple, as many bees have stated. Give her the $30K (which is an AMAZING gift, for the record) and let her know that you’re so excited for her. Done.

She isn’t budgeting and being “stressed out” isn’t an excuse for being irresponsible. She can’t just freak out and claim that she’s stressed every time someone says something she doesn’t like. She’s nearly 30 and sounds like she has zero emotional coping skills. Yikes. We all have busy, stressful lives. That doesn’t give her license to be a brat to you and run up the tab. If she can’t handle the stress, perhaps she should let people help her.

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