(Closed) My Desire For Marriage Destroyed Us

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

What immediately stood out to me was that you said you aren’t ready to be a wife, you just want a wedding. So essentially you’re the same as your ex. You don’t want the commitment or responsibility of marriage..you just want a big party. Sorry if I missed something, the formatting made your post hard to read, but that’s what I got from this. Not sure why you broke up if neither of you actually wanted marriage. 

Post # 3
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

“Well it happened to me. After three years my boyfriend and I broke up. Wise friends warned me but I was too happy to see sense. 

It all came down to marriage. I want it and he doesn’t. He flipped flopped a lot over the subject during our entire relationship. One week we would discuss wedding plans the next he would say he could not envision himself married. He was happy with our relationship, and felt pushing for more would ruin it. In his words “Marriage is the first step to divorce. It’s not worth the risk.”

Over the years I’ve tried not to care about marriage. When I met him it wasn’t on my radar. But as time passed, especially recently, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of having a wedding. I don’t feel ready to be a wife. But I want a wedding. I’ve done insane things, like writing out a guest list, and researching wedding planners. I figured we’d get married in a few years. But the topic of me moving in forced the subject of engagement. He couldn’t promise me that he would ever want to get married. I want to work towards that. I can’t move in knowing that I may have to move out.

What would you bees do? I’ve read waiting threads and always felt like girls should leave. But now that I’m in the same position I feel so torn. How can I leave the man I love because of the lack of a ring on my finger? But yet I know resentment and regret will consume me in a few years if I stay. And I how could I marry him now knowing how he feels about marriage? I can’t drag a man down the aisle.

To make matters worse the break up is not the worst of my problems. After job hunting for a crazy long time I finally got offered my dream job with incredible pay. The catch? It’s 10 minutes from my ex-boyfriend’s home, and a three hour commute from my own. So now I’m torn between turning down the job or living with my ex until I can afford my own apartment. 

Help please. Has anyone over come their desire to get married? Will counseling help me with that? I’ll go alone. My ex doesn’t like the idea of couples counseling. If you were in my shoes would you have left? I’m only 26, so time is on my side. Yet everyday I wake up feeling like I made a huge mistake.  I just feel he’s the one.”

Post # 4
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Even if you’re not at this moment “ready” to be a wife, you know that marriage is important to you, and your boyfriend is being very honest in telling you that marriage is not something he wants, now, or probably ever. I personally would not move in with someone whose vision for the future of the relationship was so different than mine. I’m not saying he should be 100% ready to marry you in order for you to live together–many people want to live together for awhile before getting engaged just to make sure they’re compatible, which makes sense–but the fact that he is adamently against it, and you are for it, makes you incompatible.

You have already said you know “resentment and regret will consume you in a few years if you stay.” So there is your answer. You’re young, there are other fish in the pond, you think this guy is “the one” now, but if he was actually the one, you would be able to get onto the same page about something so fundamental as marriage. Or he’d at least be willing to try counseling.

Def do not live with him for your new job though. Can’t you find a place of your own with roommates?

Post # 5
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Neither of you want to be married, according to what you’ve written. 

Post # 6
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

You broke up already so what are you asking, exactly? No, don’t move in with your ex-boyfriend. That is a bad idea. Find a roommate who is not your ex-boyfriend.

I am really confused over the whole “I want a wedding but am not ready to be a wife” part as I am wondering what you think marriage is? But in any event, he has made it clear he is not interested in getting married to you.  At least he is honest with you. I would actually not be all that shocked if one day he did get married, though not necessarily, but you cannot count on that or on it being with you. You two have a rather big incompatibility here and you already know it is going to lead to resentment on your side. Why sign up for that? Walk away with good memories rather than stay and let them be destroyed with your resentment.

In my opinion, marrying someone who is opposed, as a rule, to any type of counseling is a bad idea anyway. 

Post # 7
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

He’s been up front (for the most part) about not wanting marriage. You have pushed marriage but you only want a wedding.

Got news for ya sister: in simplest terms, neither one of you wants marriage. Maybe just for right now, maybe ever. I live by the rule that if someone tells/shows you who they are you need to believe them. So, for him, he doesn’t want to get married. If you know that one day you want that, then it’s only fair to him and yourself to move on, and without holding it against him. 

As far as the job…if it’s your dream job then move to it. That’s a no brainer.

Post # 8
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I think you should take the job, and it sounds like you already know that.

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

But as time passed, especially recently, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of having a wedding. I don’t feel ready to be a wife. But I want a wedding.”

I think what you need to do is take some time for yourself. Not feeling ready to be a wife (or, more specifically, HIS wife) doesn’t mean you won’t feel ready in the future. A lot of girls want a wedding before they’re ready to be married, that’s normal. But you need to decide if you want a marriage someday. If so, forget about this guy. (Honestly, I’d say you should move on regardless of what you decide for yourself.) But step 1 is sorting out your own wants and needs. 

Post # 10
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee

1) TAKE THE JOB

2) Grow up a little, and down the line find a partner who has the same goals for the future that you do

Post # 12
Member
6932 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m confused as to what advice you’re looking for exactly. It seems you already broke up…but did you? Your post seemed to go back and forth as to what is actually going on. And why on earth would you move in with your ex-boyfriend because your job is so close?! Get your own place! Living with your ex shouldn’t even be a consideration. 

I do recommend therapy just for yourself though. You said it yourself: you’re obsessed with having a WEDDING, not a marriage. That’s not healthy. I think a therapist can help you work through this issue and help you figure out what you’re truly looking for…in your NEXT relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Take the job and find other living arrangements. Cant you save starting now? A 3 hour commute each way is not possible.

Just let that guy go and move on. It didnt work out for a reason.

Post # 14
Member
11 posts
Newbee

What stood out to me is that you are currently in a relationship and you are already thinking about living with an ex. Sorry I don’t see how that’s necessary since you said you will be paid well for your new job.

Post # 15
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
aweawe32:  It is all the same guy. She just is not very clear in her writing and is writing at times as if they are not already broken up. She and her boyfriend broke up but she wants to maybe live with him still for her new job.

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