(Closed) My Desire For Marriage Destroyed Us

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
868 posts
Busy bee

FYI, some jobs offer relocation expenses. Sometimes you just have to ask.

Post # 47
14 posts

I’m not sure why everyone’s being so quick to tell you to drop this dude. I grew up around divorce and I’m not super into the idea of marriage either. It’s not just “guy talk” for “not that into you” as one poster said. Some people really just don’t want to be married, ever, no matter how much they love their partners. 

OP, if this guy is perfect for you in every other way, I think you need to ask yourself how much you really need the title. If marriage is precious to you on a deeply personal level, you need to cut and run. If it’s something you think you’re just supposed to do at some point, I’d reconsider your decision to end things. 

Post # 48
523 posts
Busy bee

You don’t want to be married, you want a party. Neither of you are ready to be married and it sounds like breaking  was a good thing. 

Post # 49
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2016

You’re going to move in with him and get back together. Idk what you want us to say. Neither of you are ready for marriage yet. So move in with him and see how it goes. Give it a year and revisit the conversation.

Post # 50
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

“I don’t feel ready to be a wife. But I want a wedding” ???????

Also, a 3 commute would be utterly impossible for me. Do you mean 3 hours each way?? Because that would be too ridiculous for me to even think about. Even if it’s 3 hours all up I wouldn’t do it, but that’s me. Surely you can find a better living situation near the job? A house share, renting a spare room? Any people you know there who might put you for a little bit until you find a place?

How would the commute be by car? If it’s reasonable maybe you could take out a small loan for a car, which you could pay back when you start working?

Post # 51
2441 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t stay at the ex’s house.

Don’t stay at the ex’s house.

Don’t stay at the ex’s house.

WHY? Because doing so, you would sacrifice a GOLDEN opportunity to purchase AUTONOMY.

You NEED to know that you can be solely your own person, that you can provide for yourself, that you can make a leap at a wonderful opportunity BY YOURSELF and be your own parachute.


Post # 52
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Marriage is sometimes important to only one person and not the other. It depends on their beliefs, how they’ve been brought up and what relationships they’ve seen in their life. Personally, I was indifferent to marriage but when we first started dating my husband told me it was important to him. Therefore over time I worked out what marriage could mean to me and if I wanted it. When I started asking when we would get engaged it was because IF marriage was still important to him I think we’d reached a point where he should be willing to commit to me because he wants to live as someone as a husband. I would have been happy to not get married but I wouldn’t have stayed with him had he not married me because we both deserved better, we both deserve to love and be loved by someone to their fullest extent. Now had my husband’s view point changed and he didn’t think marriage was important, that would have been a lot of discussions about our future and whether we still saw one. I’m not saying your ex will change his mind just that people can view commitment differently and you need to understand what you view it as and then maybe try to understand his view.

You have to decide whether him never wanting to get married but being very kind to you is worth not getting married. Does marriage hinder his love for you, do you feel you wouldn’t be loved to the extent you deserve? Would you be able to love him to the extent he deserves? Only you can determine what more marriage will give you from the relationship and if it’s worth sticking around/going back. Be completely honest with yourself otherwise you’re just hurting him and yourself even more. If marriage is a deal breaker for you, you need to be prepared to marry them on a rainy Wednesday morning in a dodgy car park. Otherwise don’t do it. Don’t do it for the wedding otherwise you’ll be filing for divorce within the year. My husband’s brother married someone who just wanted the wedding, they got married December 2014, by May 2015 they were living separately and their divorce will be finalised at the end of this month. It’s not worth it just for a party.

The job situation. Do not move back in with him. Even if you do get back together, give it some time to check you are both on the same page and happy with you’re heading. Stop borrowing his car. If you’re breaking up you need to try and make clean break. If you’re staying together, that will muddy the waters and make you think you should stay even if you realise you aren’t happy. Take the job. Yes it’s a 3 hour commute and it’s going to suck. I’ve done it and when the train was permanently standing room only. For 6 hours a day I’ve stood in awkward positions holding onto the rail in the train to get to work and the weekend I’ve been too exhausted to want to do anything. It sucks but it’s only temporary. It will be utterly exhausting but you will also know what your boundaries are for future jobs and how much you can push yourself and for how long. If you can’t do it, then you have to just accept a house share which someone, again it’s not the best but it’s just temporary.

Post # 53
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I always said, I’m sure the wedding will be nice, but I’m really looking forward to the marriage!  My first marriage, his second, and he wanted the wedding and I was happy eloping!  I just wanted to spend my life with him, the wedding never really mattered because we thought that instead of spending so much thought into one day it should be put into the 50 years after, those 50 years are what matter, not that one day.

Post # 54
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

checkmate08:  first,  there’s absolutely zero reason to live with your ex unless you’re completely sadistic and love taking steps backwards #LUV2FML

You also should think about what you want. Do you want to be a wife? You’ve already said that you did not. So please get over the wedding. Unless this is some sort of subconscious message to yourself that you really do want to be a wife and you really do want to be married… Then in this case don’t settle for anything else. You are young the right person will come along when you are the right person

I realized I do not have a car or you do not have a place to live and this is a great job opportunity for you. However, it seems like you are just making tons and tons of excuses so that you can move in with your ex see him again hope you’ll change his mind etcetera etcetera etcetera etcetera

If you really don’t want the 3 hour commute then live in a women’s shelter, women homeless shelter, live in a cardboard box, ask a local church for help, or sleep outside it’s summer time seriously! I know that sounds desperate but you are in a desperate situation and I would not be telling you this willy-nilly if I hadn’t done some of the above myself. It’s going to be rough but then it will be ok please don’t put yourself into another rough situation and hope down the road it’ll be better. You’re either broke up or not. And if you’re broken up then for goodness sake move the f*** on

Post # 56
4257 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

You are making excuses to stay.  Find your own place and take your dream job.  Leave him and don’t settle.  I get that it is hard, but that is life.  You want different things, it is that simple.

Post # 57
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

View original reply

You and your boyfriend are clearly incompatible. Important goals like marriage and children need to be agreed upon by a couple. When you’re with the right man, wanting to get married will be an exciting step rather than a source of contention.  It sounds like you may have some maturity issues since you are confusing a wedding with a marriage. A wedding is just one day but being a wife comes with a lifetime of responsibility and compromise. 

Take the job and spend some time single so that you can develop a stronger sense of self and stop wishing for the glamour of a big party over a marriage.

ETA: I’m glad you’re stepping away from WeddingBee and taking the job. Best of luck! 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  mrswhitecat. Reason: Read update by OP

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