(Closed) My DH needs a life

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

How did he act when you were dating and engaged?  Were you guys doing outdoorsy stuff all the time before you were married?  Also, what have you done so far to voice your frustrations?  If you haven’t already, then I would suggest sitting him down and having an honest conversation.

Post # 4
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

@Angelique02: Is there a reason he has lost interest in things? Could he be depressed?Have you tried talking to him and directly asking him what’s wrong?

My Fiance and I have had to cut WAY back on spending money, and as a result we have had to stop doing a lot of the activites we used to do. Like going away for a weekend to go hiking, or skiing in the mountains. It’s expensive and even though we love it, we just cant afford it right now.

Have you tried planning anything?

Post # 5
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Why don’t you plan something, with or without him. Maybe if you start doing these sorts of things, he will join in and remember how much fun it is. REI and LLBean both have group events for these sorts of things. Maybe you could get involved there.

Post # 6
Member
14659 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just because there are pictures of him loving to do those things doesnt mean that he’s going to be out like every other weekend doing them.  I could have pictures like that all over also, but it’s over the span of a few years, just events that I enjoyed going on once in a while. 

there’s plenty that needs doing…(like washing my car for me/changing the oil)

That does not sound like fun, that sounds like a chore you want him to do.  I cant blame him for not jumping up and running out to do that. 

Have you suggesting planning a camping trip, or going on a hike, or going climbing one day?  My husband and have been talking about starting to do all the 4k footers in the area, but its been a year and we havent started.  First it was planning a wedding, then it was just relaxing after the wedding, then it was a new dog, then its too cold, then sometimes there’s just other stuff going on during the weekend and a do nothing weekend to rest and relax is what we want to do instead and when we have a free moment, we just dont want to run out and do a hike anymore.  Unless he’s literally sitting there every evening and weekend doing nothing… maybe it just seems like he’s doing nothing because he’s not doing what you want.

Post # 7
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

how long did you guys date? it doesn’t seem like you really got to know him and his habits before the wedding…

Post # 8
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

That was my question too. .. How long we’re you guys engaged or together before marriage? 

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My Fiance is very outdoorsy, and loves fishing, camping, etc. And we’ve only gone once in the last year, and honestly, that was a struggle in itself.  We don’t live anywhere remotely all that conducive to camping/fishing (Chicago), we’re both full-time students with part time jobs, and student loans.  I would never expect him to go out and go camping every weekend, that doesn’t mean he’s lost his interest in it.  And, its winter.  I don’t know where you live, but is it cold, not the right time, etc?

I agree with pinkshoes…have you made an effort to say hey, lets go hiking/for a walk/etc and then get turned down?  That’d be different.

Post # 10
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is there something else that would be fun that you two can do together? For whatever reason, it doesn’t look like he’s into outdoors activities right now, so why not try something different?

Post # 11
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I always wonder about posts like this…how did he magicallly change after the wedding? Or was he like this all along and you just turned a blind eye?

Post # 12
Member
13292 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@pinkshoes: I thought the exact same thing!  It sounds like outside chores, and that’s supposed to be “fun”! 

I agree with @redheadem: find an activity for the two of your to get involved in together, and hopefully that’ll kickstart him into getting back to “living,” as you say.

Post # 13
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@pinkshoes:  lol, yeah changing the oil isn’t my idea of fun either!

Maybe your Darling Husband just wants some cool down time after the wedding? I know Darling Husband and I have become experts at bum-ism since the wedding. We’ll probably start doing stuff again.

Looking at some of your previous posts it sounds like you have expressed your unhappiness with some his personality before – not liking what he wanted to register for, not liking that he plays games – some of this before the wedding. So I think you knew what he was like prior to marriage and now it sounds like you want him to change. Men don’t change.

It would break my heart to hear my Darling Husband say he’s disappointed in me. I am wondering how often you question him about playing games, not washing your car, etc. because eventually he’s going to feel like you don’t like the person he is and tune you out.

I think instead of focusing on his ‘faults’ you should focus on yourself. Start doing things that you enjoy. Get some girlfriends together and go skiing for a weekend. Encourage him to come along if he’s interested, but you can’t and shouldn’t rely on your husband to make you happy.

Post # 14
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I have *always* hated and despised men who do nothing but sit on their butts and watch TV and play computer games.  Now I find I’m married to one.

I have to ask the same question as PP: how long did you date before you got married? Did you really get a chance to get to know each other and find out if you were compatible? Did any of these issues crop up then, and if so, did you talk to him about them?

I ask because I don’t think that you just one day “find yourself” married to some guy, unless you’re in an arranged marriage culture. You can’t really play the victim card if you don’t like your husband, because you know, you CHOSE him. Or has he had a drastic change since the wedding? In that case, it could be depression and it would be good to look into help for that.

I also don’t think it’s realistic to expect our partners to meet ALL of our needs. Want to go camping? Then go camping! Plan a trip with your girlfriends, or find an excursion group in your area.

Post # 15
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@hisgoosiegirl: It would break my heart to hear my Darling Husband say he’s disappointed in me. I am wondering how often you question him about playing games, not washing your car, etc. because eventually he’s going to feel like you don’t like the person he is and tune you out.

I think instead of focusing on his ‘faults’ you should focus on yourself. Start doing things that you enjoy. Get some girlfriends together and go skiing for a weekend. Encourage him to come along if he’s interested, but you can’t and shouldn’t rely on your husband to make you happy.

I totally agree with this!

Post # 16
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t really get this, either. Was he like that BEFORE you guys got married and then he changed after…? Or did you guys just get married before truly getting to know each other? Because if it’s the latter, this might just be the way he is and there’s no changing him. 

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