My dogs are making me regret my marriage.

posted 10 months ago in Pets
Post # 16
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Your dogs are not the problem. Your husband is the problem. While you each are entitled to your views on pets, it sounds like you two just aren’t compatible. It sounds like you’re pretty young, based on the timeline you’ve provided. I would cut your losses now and end the marriage. If my husband ever said that he can’t wait for our dogs to die, then he would no longer be my husband! 

So sorry, Bee.

Post # 17
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Umm he is waiting for them to die? Wtf did I just read. How evil to say to someone you supposedly love. Bee, I think you chose to ignore some red flags prior to getting married because you thought he would change. You said yourself you probably wouldn’t have gotten married if you had lived together beforehand which tells you everything you need to know. Our dog is our baby. We celebrate his birthday,  he’s in family pics, he goes hiking with us and even sometimes to outdoor patio places where dogs are allowed. There’s nobody and I mean NOBODY that could change my life and view towards my fur baby. My husband and I are huge dog lovers and have agreed that we will always have a dog. Your marriage isn’t going to last because you knew this was an issue beforehand and you’re already miserable. He isn’t going to change his hatefulness towards your animals and you aren’t going to give up your animals which you’ve already tried compromising with him for. I don’t see what couples counseling would solve as suggested by a PP. A therapist can’t help him like animals and cant stop you from having them. You’ve already tried compromising. There’s nothing left here unless you want to choose between your animals or your marriage.

Post # 18
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sentimentalgirl :  is his name Dick? Because he sounds like a Dick. Please tell Dick I hate him, thanks.

Post # 19
Member
3241 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

He sounds manipulative and mean. He said he’d be fine with having pets, but his actions and attitude have shown he’s not. He seems to think he gets to be the good guy merely for allowing you to have your pets at all. That’s bullshit. You love these animals and a good partner cares about the things you care about, even if they’re things they wouldn’t have chosen on their own. That he gets upset about you wanting to take the dogs with you hiking is fucking absurd. He complains about them being noisy but then doesn’t want you taking them for rigorous exercise?? Sounds to me like he’s created a situation in which you cannot win. I don’t think that’s unintentional and I wouldn’t judge you for a second if you chose to leave over this. 

Like PP, I’m a dog person and not super stoked about cats, but if my fiance had a cat when we got together or desperately wanted to get a cat, I’d learn to live with it and I’d treat it kindly. I would be very adamant that he clean the litter box every single day because having lived with cats before they smell quickly. But otherwise, if the cat sat on my lap I’d pet it, and I certainly wouldn’t feel jealous when he chose to cuddle with it! 

Post # 20
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Your husband’s attitudes – not your dogs – are making you regret your marriage.

I strongly suggest counseling.

Post # 21
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

sentimentalgirl :  We adopted a senior dog when I was not totally on board. I did it to please my husband and it almost wrecked my marriage. He is a dog person. While I like dogs, I am not a dog person, I am not a dog owner. I know this about myself now but this was my first experience with this. I cleaned up after the dog constantly and I hated the hair and the smell etc. I am your husband in this situation because having a dog in my house grossed me out. I took care of the dog all the time. I was his caretaker until he passed away.

Anyway, you and your husband are just not compatible. We did not get another dog and I refuse to again. We have 3 children. But my husband is not like you in that he HAS to have a dog. The point is, it’s either your husband or the animals, and you have seemingly made your choice. But the thing is, he knew this about you, and you about him. It’s time for a conversation. You can’t change how you or he feels about this. So it’s either choose your marriage or the dogs.

Post # 22
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - City, State

I’m someone who loves animals, but dislikes having pets and ended up with a pet as ‘part if the package’ in my relationship.  Because if this, I’m going to guess that your husband thought he could deal with the pets because he loves you, but he didn’t really know what he was getting himself into. I’d suggest you talk to him about this. 

Do I want anything bad to happen to our cat? No, she is lovely and I wouldn’t want to see her hurt. Do I wish we didn’t have her though? Yes. I don’t like how having a pet interferes with the way I want things in my life (and my fiancé has admitted he sometimes wishes we didn’t have those responsibilities too). I’m doing the best I can to live with it because she hasn’t done anything wrong and deserves a nice life, but she is a constant source of low level tension on our relationship because I have a lifetime of not wanting a pet to get over. 

Your husband has 3 pets to deal with rather than one, so I expect he is finding it harder than me. That doesn’t excuse him being rough with the animals, if that is the case. That is not acceptable. 

Rather than starting from a place of anger though, I’d suggest trying to understand his perspective. He may think he is trying really hard with the animals, so you need to explain how you are seeing things and how it makes you feel. 

Ultimately, you two may not be compatible and certainly if there is a real risk to your pets, you need to take action to remove them and yourself from the situation. 

Good luck! 

Post # 23
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sentimentalgirl :  I think your title is inaccurate… your husband should be making you regret your marriage not your pets

Post # 24
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

I wonder if all of the OP’s husband’s resentment about the state of the marriage has been channeled into the pets. So, when he’s upset about not wanting to be around the dogs, it’s not just because of the dogs, but because of the whole package. 

I think the OP’s husband here has definitely strayed into toxic territory. That said, there is a big difference between thinking you can handle three pets, and actually handling three pets and a precarious marriage.

Post # 25
Member
35 posts
Newbee

I love animals and have had pets throughout my whole life but 2 dogs and a parrot inside the house would drive me crazy. And I don’t think it’s something you can just get over and “learn to deal with”. You will end up resenting each other (if you don’t already). Would you be willing to keep all the pets outside the house? Otherwise you might need to leave your husband.. 

Post # 26
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think your husband is making the best of a very uncomfortable situation. I’m sure he didn’t realize what it was like living with multiple animals.

Post # 27
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I will say this-I hate pets inside the house. It really grosses me out and I could never, ever live with three animals in the house let alone two dogs. I am just not a pet person. BUT, that being said-because I know this about myself, I would never waste anyones time who is a pet person. Especially someone like you, Bee, who has made it so clear that pets are an absolute priority. Furthermore, he sounds like an asshole, period. And if he thinks pets are annoying, kids are annoying too! So I think you could imagine the kind of Dad he would be, based on how he treats your animals that you obviously love very much. Cut your losses and move on.

Post # 28
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this bee. ♥️ As an animal lover myself, I cannot imagine my boyfriend treating animals negatively or making me feel like a guest our home because of them. Luckily for me, he loves them as much as I do and we do a lot of fostering. We do have our arguments sometimes when it gets a little overwhelming and we feel like one person is pulling more weight than the other but that’s where compromise comes into play. 

Your husbands idea of compromising seems to be that “whatever makes you happy” would be acceptable…yet he didn’t mention that in the meantime, he’d spend his time constantly vocalizing his disapproval of the dogs/bird and making you feel bad. You were upfront and honest about your animals from the beginning, but he was not honest about his acceptance of them. It seems like he thinks he is accepting/tolerating them by “letting” you have them but he’s barely tolerating them. Treating them poorly and making YOU feel bad is less than tolerant – especially with you making so many compromises to please him AND taking full responsibility with caring for them.  

I wish I had some great advice for you but I just want you to know that it sounds like you are doing everything right and I am sorry that you’re going through this. It’s wrong and unfair of him to constantly make feel like you are walking on eggshells. If someone made comments about looking forward to the day one of my animals passed away, it would be unforgivable. That alone is cruel of him to say, knowing what your fur babies mean to you. Even as someone who doesn’t like animals, his love for YOU alone would cause him to never ever say that out loud to you (even if it was a thought in his head). 

The only thing I can say is to have a genuine, transparent conversation with him. Let him know that you both need to talk because the situation is wearing you down and causing you sadness. Remind him of the fact that you told him your pets were a package deal and that he was accepting of that. Let him know that his idea of acceptance and yours are different and the way he treats the animals and makes you feel is causing you a lot of stress and sadness. It seems like you have been able to accept the fact that he is not an animal lover like you but he has not fully been able to do the same in return. Good luck bee. ♥️ Keep us posted. Xoxo. 

Post # 29
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yeahhhh, I’d be ending the marriage, even without the comment about looking forward to their passing. I’ve chosen not to continue dating someone in the past who was against pets because I knew it was totally incompatible with my life (even when I didn’t haven’t had pets). My partner has a chinchilla that he’s had for a decade. I’m not a huge rodent fan, but I’ve come to like him, take care of his needs, and give him affection because I knew that he and my partner were a packaged deal. Would it be nice to not have a huge cage in the way? Sure, but that’s life. We have a dog too, and being dog lovers was a big component when we first met. Your husband pulled a bait and switch with you. He told you that he’d be ok with the dogs and the parrot, and that’s not the case clearly. He’s teetering on the edge (being generous) of outright cruelty to them and you. Your pets didn’t choose this, and I think you’d be doing right by them and yourself by leaving. 

Post # 30
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I feel like you guys are just not going to agree on this level. It probably would’ve helped to live together beforehand but you can’t change that now. I don’t ever see him wanting to be the dad to your fur babies, though so unless there’s like some extreme, marriage counseling boot camp that you guys can get into, I don’t think this is going to last.

Just like how not everyone is meant to be a parent, not everyone is meant to be a pet parent either. His comments are hateful and cruel but, to be fair, you knew he had a problem with your pets and took him at nothing but his word when he said he would be okay with it for you, even though it was serious enough for you guys to break up over beforehand. 

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