Post # 1
Long story short: My mother offered to pay for our wedding in January of this year. 2 weeks ago me and my fiance got into an argument at her house and he told her about something that had happened in our relationship. She told us she can not pay for a wedding this year because of what he said. The next day she said we would have to go to individual counseling and we would have to pay for it, for an unknown amount of time till she is satisfied that we have changed. We cant do that and we also dont need counseling, we are already in premarital counseling. So she took back her gift of 13,000.
I am so heartbroken. I have no idea what to do. We are very poor so offering was the difference between having a wedding or not. For 4 months i was dreaming and planning and telling everyone. My dress was bought, the bridesmaids(4) bought their dresses($200) and a 1000 deposit was put on the ceremony and reception place. My mother doenst understand my hurt. She said the place and time and a wedding is just a desire and delayed gratification is a good thing. The date and place and the whole wedding was “the one”. I didnt know i would have to think about gettign married anywhere else. The wedding was 6 months away! I now have a wedding dress that is a big puffy ballgown that i cant afford to alter that i have to sell. I am too embaressed and ashamed to tell my bridesmaids and their dresses can not be returned. My mother has lost the deposit. All my family will ask what happened and my mother thinks everyone should know the real reason why and air our dirty laundry(if she hasnt already).
I am heartbroken, depressed, angry and humiliated. Am i wrong for feeling this way? Is it so bad that i cant even think about getting married at all? Im sitting here crying and no one undertands. Help!
Post # 2
Omggggg. What was so bad that she refuses to gift you with any more money?? So curious….
Post # 3
I’m sorry bee. I’d either elope as a giant f u to mom or if you must have a wedding, wait until you both can afford it. I know neither option is what you want to hear, but as an outsider, I see them.
Post # 4
It’s hard to give advice without knowing what exactly your fiance said, but it was obviously serious enough that your mother is concerned for you. She’s not acting like a controlling person, but like someone who is very worried about your relationship and wants to make sure you have professional help and don’t marry until you are ready.
From what you said, it sounds like she’s withholding the financial gift until after this issue is resolved. Therefore your options are an extremely inexpensive wedding now, or postponing (so no need to sell the dress).
Do you think her concern is unfounded or does it sound like she has legitimate cause to be worried about you?
Post # 5
I’m assuming that whatever your mother found out about is a HUGE issue and she probably doesn’t want to spend $10,000 or more of her hard earned money for a wedding she isn’t convinced is a good idea. That is her right as it is her money. Maybe you should elope if you can’t afford a bigger celebration?
Post # 6
It’s hard to fully judge the situation without knowing what he told your mom. However…she pays, she says. She obviously thinks something is very wrong with your relationship to do such an about face and willingly throw away her paid deposit. If you feel like you don’t need counseling then don’t go to counseling, but prepare to pay for your own wedding.
It’s ok to be bummed that your original plans aren’t happening, but it’s also up to you to make the most of the new situation.
Also, your fiancé shouldn’t be airing your dirty laundry to others, past or present.
Post # 7
I hate to say it, but I’m kind of with your mom on this one. If you and your fiancé are getting into arguments that are bad enough to make her question your relationship, it’s pretty easy to see why she’d revoke her gift. You can always scale the wedding back (like, all the way back to a church hall/cake and punch reception) and pay for it yourself, and/ or delay things to give you time to save. Use this as a learning opportunity, too— don’t count on money that you don’t have yet, and keep a reasonable head to plan expenses you can manage, even when you do expect a windfall coming in.
Post # 8
^^^^ what she said. Every so often we have a thread about not counting on funding from parents. There is always at least one bee who says “my parents would never promise me money and go back on their promse”. Oh, yes they would!
Post # 9
It must have been a pretty serious issue for your mom to throw away a $1k deposit and demand professional help for you both…and if your fiance is tattling to your mom about your relationship problems in the heat of the moment, it sounds like whatever premarital counseling you’re in isn’t cutting it.
You can mourn the loss of your wedding and all the trappings, but that can happen when someone else is writing the checks. You can still sign a marriage license and celebrate six months from now. You’ll just have to do it on your own dime and field some awkward questions.
If you can’t comprehend marrying your fiance without a ballgown and an expensive party, maybe you should evaluate whether you actually want to be married or if you just wanted a wedding–and I mean that in the kindest way possible.
Post # 10
in a perfect world, money would be gifted without any strings attached, but as we have seen time and time again on WB, that isn’t usually the case.
I have to agree with the others that if your mom is suggesting counseling then this is a pretty serious issue. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your mom, but if my mom had such concerns that she would recommend counseling, I would take what she has to say seriously. Marriage is so much more than the pretty princess party.
If you can’t afford it then you have no other choice but to postpone it or elope if you think your mom is wrong.
Post # 11
Eeek, I know how awful this must be for you and how the first instinct is to be upset at your mom – but my anger would be reserved for Fiance. It’s just too hard to give advice without knowing what he said/why he said it/etc., because including parents in your arguments is a big no-no. But I can see that your mom is being unreasonable if the past problem was like….dividing household chores or something. But there are a lot of serious past problems that all of us are probably jumping to without more details.
Post # 12
I’m curious if there was some sort of abuse/cheating within your relationship that your mom found out about. If that’s the case, I can understand where she’s coming from, and I’d like to think I’d do the same thing as a parent. I’m sure she’s not happy about cancelling. She’s trying to protect you.
Why would your fiance blurt things like that out to your mom, any way? So much missing from this story.
Post # 13
You can still have a wedding, jus do it on a budget. You don’t have to sell your dress or have your BMs sell theirs.
Post # 14
Forget the money for a second, as nice as money is…
Whatever your Fiance said was bad enough for your mother to stop supporting you not just financially, but emotionally as well.
Is there some validity to her concerns? My mother is paying for 99% of the wedding and if she ever gave me a stipulation I know there’d be a very damn good reason and I think I’d spend less time pouting and more time soul searching.
Post # 15
If it were me, I’d put on my big girl pants, have a courthouse wedding and a lovely dinner out. And then I’d tell my mother that I would have contact with her when she completes her assigned counseling.