Post # 1
I’m having trouble with negatively associating my dress with the fallout with my relationship with my mother. I made a special trip to my another state to decide between my top three dresses because I wanted my grandmother and my mother to be a part of helping me to choose my dress. My mom started acting weird at the appointment and didn’t even want me to try on all three options, just to hurry up and leave. My cousin, who was with me, thought that it was really strange and pointed out the odd behavior before I even thought about it too much. Anyway, I ordered my dress at that appointment and then my sister got engaged (an hour later). Apparently my mom knew all about it, which explains the strange behavior. Ever since that point, my relationship with my mom has gone to pot. I’m not saying that my sister getting engaged took away from this important wedding decision (“thunder stealing”), but this day marked the turning point in my relationship with my mother. As I mentioned in an earlier post, she trash talks my Fiance to other family members, pretends that she is the victim of me ignoring her and I’ve been told that the only way to fix our relationship is to call off the wedding. For some reason, this dress now feels like it embodies all of that drama. I can’t even look at a picture of it without wanting to cry. When the bridal shop called to say that my dress is in and to set up a first fitting, I didn’t experience any of the excitment that I thought that I would. Instead, I felt like I was called to try out my own coffin. I love my Fiance and want nothing more than to be his wife, but wearing this dress on my wedding day may very well mean that my relationship with my mother is dead. Thats just a hard trade off to make.
How do I overcome this? I am getting married in just five months, so I don’t think that I have time to find a new dress. But to be honest, I feel like this stinking dress is the visual representation of my crumbling relationship with my family and the sadness that this wedding planning time has been the most miserable experience of my life. I can’t wait to marry my Fiance, but doing it in THIS dress makes me feel sick. I don’t know what to do.
This topic was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by .
This topic was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by .
Post # 2
in theory, you can try to sell it and purchase an off-the-rack dress or sample that you don’t associate with sadness.
or maybe alter the one you have? shorten it, remove sleeves, add sleeves, dye it, new belt, remove crinoline, add crinoline….if you change what your mother initially saw you in, you might feel better about it.
OR, invite your besties over for drinks and snacks, and have a fashion show. if you hear positive comments from those who are excited for you, and care for you, you may change your opinion of the dress. heck, show it to your Fiance if you want! he may love you in the dress, which may help you love it yourself.
Post # 3
Can you try and sell it? I would honestly just buy a bridesmaid dress from Nordstrom or BHLDN (Jenny Yoo has many lovely dresses) and wear that. I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for you to overcome your feelings towards your mother, it’s just something that’s difficult to do.
If I were in your shoes, I would just sell that dress and get a new one, even if the dress is not what I envisioned originally.
Post # 4
Have you tried talking to your mom about this? It’s not clear why exactly your relationship with her has gone so sour. Is it just that she doesn’t like your FI? Did that not come up before the dress appointment debacle?
My gut reaction to this was that it is completely unfair that your mother tarnished your feelings for your dress and you shouldn’t allow her to have that much power. If you really love the dress, focus on that and what is best for you. Prove how strong and sure you are about your decision to marry your Fiance by not letting your mother stand in your way and wearing the dress you truly want.
If you attempt that and still can’t get past the negative association, I agree with PP that you could try altering the dress to reclaim it or finding a dress that can get to you more quickly. BHLDN, J. Crew, anything off the rack.
Post # 5
My mom never expressed a dislike of my Fiance before (even when I asked her directly many times in the beginning of our relationship). According to my aunts (her sisters), she is upset that I am getting married because she is afraid that she is losing me. When my sister got engaged, my mom totally latched onto her and her Fiance, because they are living with her (so was I until my sister’s Fiance wanted to move in so I had to move out). Sister and her Fiance have no intention of moving out or living on their own, and my mom is paying for their wedding (where as Fiance and I are paying for our own). My aunt told me that the only way to fix the relationship with my mom is to call off the wedding, break up with Fiance and move back home with her. Unfortunately, none of this drama started until the day my sister got engaged, because my mom is polarizing (I’m the bad one who is leaving, she is the good one who is staying). And even more unfortunate, my sister planned her engagement to take place on the day that I bought my dress.
So, sadly the association is dress=sister’s engagement= mom trying to break up my relationship= poor relationship with mom.
I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses. I’ll be honest, after all of this drama, I just want to be married and have it done with.
Post # 6
wanna trade dresses lol j/k but I know the feeling I’m debating my dress for similar reasons feeling some bad karma and afraid I’ll get in a bad mood on big .. I know it’s hard but don’t let her ruin your big day . If it becomes too overbearing just get a new dress September is 5 months away and it’s doable. I hope you feel better
Post # 7
I would love a dress trade! Seriously, its disappointing when the dress that you thought was *the* dress becomes such a negative symbol. I know that the dress isn’t cursed and that my relationship with my mom is not the dresses fault, but I feel its like I have the two paired so closely in my mind right now that its hard to not have the association.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2015 - Ritz Carlton Laguna Niguel
i can’t help with the relationship stuff but I will say that almost anything is possible when it comes to dresses. I got engaged at the end of February and we decided we wanted a small family only wedding end of June. Most small places attempted to tell me there was no way that I could get their stock in time for my wedding. Id have to buy the floor model etc. I ended up falling in love with pics of a Vera Wang dress and even they said with a rush it would be possible for me to get the dress in time – I wanted to know before I tried it on.
I ended up ordering a different dress form abother designwe at a huge bridal store mid March and it will be here end of May with time for alterations before our wedding.
If you really decide you can’t get past the bad feelings associated with the dress try to sell it on Tradsey and buy something else budget prohibiting. 🙂
best of luck and I hope you can wear your dream dress
Post # 9
5 months is plenty of time to find a new dress. You can pay a little to get it rushed, buy off the rack or online, or buy secondhand. I think it sounds like you will feel better with a new dress that you don’t associate with her. Sorry she is acting this way 🙁
Post # 10
Wow, your mother clearly has issues with letting go. Is she not aware that children typically move out of their parents’ house, especially when they get married? Like… that’s not a weird or unusual concept in the least, at least not in the US, not sure if maybe you live somewhere else.
And the fact that your aunt straight up told you the only way to fix it is to call off your wedding and move back in with your mom… I mean that sounds like something out of a poorly written soap opera. That is absurd. If your family is going to be so dysfunctional and nonsupportive of you I would frankly just stop letting them be a big part of your life. Relationships like that are toxic to your happiness. Yes, they’re family, but you can’t let them bring you down.
In your shoes I would be seriously considering returning the dress, eloping, and moving some place at least a couple hours drive from your family to start fresh.
Post # 11
You can find another dress in five months with options like etsy.
Post # 12
I find it strange you had to move out to make room for your sisters fi.
it sounds like your sister has always come first between the two of you which is shown by the above as well as the fact your mum blew your dress off for a pre planned proposal on your dress shopping day- dont even get me started on how rude and weird that is of your sister if there was no other reason besided the dress ahopping- and the fact she is now basically cutting you out.
She doesnt care enough about your feelings so why care about hers.
seconded to the pp that said elope and just be happy with your fi.
youre mum is being unreasonable and it its absolutely ridiculous for your mother to expect ir your anlunt to evwn suggest that you should leave your fi and go back home just to appease your mother.
id be jumping on that get fucked train to nopeville and personally aould tell her where to shove it if she is being thay selfish. Respectfully of course. But still. Something like : if you cant be supportive of me and fi and cant get over your issues than i dont know if i am comfortable with you at the wedding/ being a big part of my life anymore. She should snap out of crazyville if you show her how much it bothers you.
Post # 13
Look that all sounds bad and crazy but you are the one who is choosing to let it affect the dress. A coffin? Really? I think you’re being a bit dramatic. you should try to use this wedding as a lesson on how to not let your mom get to you. I know it’s not easy but they are never going to change so all you can do is change your own reaction.
Post # 14
I think you really just need to envision yourself wearing your dress walking down the asile to your future husband. Start associating it with your day and your wedding rather than the day you purchased it.
Go try on your dress, do your makeup and hair, wear the jewlery you might wear on your wedding day. Bring a girlfriend or your Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesdmaid. Geel beautiful in your dress because you picked it for a reason.
FI’s mom has had a hard time letting him go and there’s been a lot of tears and frustration over it but eventually your mom has to realize you’re an adult and that you need your own life and that you’re growing your family starting with Fiance. It’s an exciting time and she needs to suck it up and realize you’re not her baby forever.