(Closed) my engagement from HELL. VENT!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Goodness, I am so so sorry.  I can’t imagine how you must be feeling!!  Congrats on your engagement, your ring is so lovely, I have a .52 carat ring myself, that was all we really ever looked at.  This site has at times made me wonder if it’s too small, but I really think it’s a lovely size on most any ring size.  Plus, y’all picked this ring out… I swear if we had gotten a ring over 1 carat our mothers wouldn’t of understood at all and thought it was way extravagent… Anywho, ring is lovely, please enjoy it!!

Post # 93
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

oh wow. Ok, I am NOT italian, but was married to one for over ten years, and I am now a mom to three half-Italian kids who think they are “all italian” most days… πŸ˜‰

Bluntly said, your mother thinks your Fiance wont be able to take care of you. if he can’t buy the biggest ring and spoil his woman with jewellry, then “push gifts”, and luxury things, he isn’t a real “man”.

 

And most Italian people I have run into over the years are very pasionate about their beliefs and culture and traditions πŸ˜‰ so you wont be changing your mom’s thoughs any time soon. Also, it will continue and your Fiance will continue to feel inferior and that he has something to prove to her. It will go on like this…for a long time.

Mothers want the very best for their kids and in the Italian culture, I noticedspending four months salary or more is not unheard of, and he is going against the tradition by producing a half-carat.

It is ridiculous, because you have a gorgeous ring and it is nothing to balk at–a half carat is a good chunk of diamond!!!

I personally think your ring is gorgeous but it is not about that, it is about the belief system that some of the members of your family upholds…which are common in some cultures.

honestly, telling your mom you guys are a young couple starting out and need all the love and support possible, would maybe garnish some interest. But as others have said, having the big talk about if they are truly comfortable with the fact that your Fiance is not Italian…anothr convo altogether.

 

By The Way, my Ex-Italian H gave me a .33 diamond as we were 21 and just starting out and we picked it out together…

I got a lot of flack from him his family but I jus told them we picked it out together and designed it and I love it the way it is, thank you very much πŸ™‚

 

Good luck, hunny

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 94
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

@blueandcream

From your first post:

The moment I showed my mother the ring, she upturned her nose and told me I could have done much better, I was ripped off and my fiance and I should be ashamed of ourselves for not following traditions. I burst into tears, my fiance was completely insulted and the rest of my family awkwardly cleared the room in a matter of seconds. The situation degraded into a one sided argument in which my mother called my fiance a culture-less wop, and accused him of robbing me of my “Italian-ness”.

I thought to myself: hmmm, mom is pissed that she’s not in control. 

Which you then confirmed in a subsequent post:

The “tradition” I am referring to is for the for the fi to ask permission of the parents, and then bring the mother along to pick the ring, basically allowing her to determine the price and style of the ring.

Bingo. Mom is pissed that she’s not being allowed “her due”.  She was denied the choice of picking out her engagement ring, and now she’s been denied the pleasure of picking out YOURS.  So this outburst was a temper tantrum of “I’m not getting what I was promised (when I had to submit to my M’s will allowing her free rein planning *my* wedding. And now I don’t get to control blueandcream’s either. It’s not faaaaiiiirrrr! *stomps foot and flounces*”

I would suggest strongly to you that you not accept any financial assistance from your parents,  unless you are willing to give your M carte blanche control of your wedding. I’m really sorry that your M couldn’t articulate her feelings of being left out in a more constructive fashion that shitting all over your moment of joy announcing your engagement. 

I also predict future power struggles between you & your M about planning your wedding. She will feel it’s her entitlement to do so, and obviously you aren’t that traditional a girl.  I think you need to have a heart to heart with her and lay it out for her.  That you understand her disappointment that she’s not getting 100% tradition the way she wants it. But, if she continues to behave rudely to your Fiance and cruelly to you, then you will cut her out of ALL planning.  And if she can behave herself and come to a compromise, you will give her liberty to plan/be included in some areas of the wedding planning. And that the choice is hers, but you expect there NEVER to be another scene like that again, or you WILL distance yourself from her.

Good luck hon!

Post # 95
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m so sorry for you. 

 

Your ring is gorgeous though! 

I feel very grateful that my mum was only interested in my moissanite and not judgemental about it not being a diamond. Then again i’ve often broken from ‘tradition’ growing up and had rows over it. We get on better now. 

 

I don’t know you or your mum but perhaps if you haven’t ‘rebelled’ in any way before it came as a shock to her that what she envisioned you wanting didn’t happen? If it’s that i’d reassure her that you chose the ring together, reaffirm what matters to you and explain that you know she wants the best for you but what she thinks is best isn’t the same as what you think is best and in this case your taste is the most important. 

 

She might be worried that you’ll break from tradition in your marriage as well, maybe you will and maybe you won’t! I think its worth having a good talk and explaining how your feelings were hurt because you were feeling so happy only to get shot down. Mums can play an important role in a wedding and if its possible to talk this through it’s worth doing, saying that remember that you and your fiance come first, you haven’t done anything wrong and it’s wrong for others to make you feel that way. Xx

Post # 96
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I am really sorry to hear what happened with your mother. Congrats on your engagement, I think your ring is very pretty, and I love it’s a Canadian diamond! My ring is very similar to yours πŸ™‚

But can you all please stop referring to Italian-Americans with the general term Italians? I AM Italian in the sense that I was born there, lived there until college, speak italian and have an italian passport. I can totally guarantee that most of the traditions that Americans associate with Italian heritage are just not Italian traditions anymore. 

So to the OP, you can simply tell your mom that no, most of the real Italians don’t sport big engagement rings (mine is .8 carats and all my friends and family in Italy think it’s huge). Also, my husband did not ask permission to my dad to marry me.. the last person in my family doing that was probably my grandfather like 60 years ago. And definitely my mom didn’t go with my husband to pick my ring. In fact, my own dad pick my mom’s ring all by himself. So yeah tell your mother that if she really feels the need to b**ch about your Fiance not following traditions, she should first make sure she knows such traditions herself. 

I hope I wasn’t offensive to anyone. It’s just that I am really tired of being associated with Italian-American traditions. 

Post # 97
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t know what traditions you’re turning your back on, but nothing says “traditional” to me more than a solitaire engagement ring. I can tell from the picture that it’s amazingly clear, so I can only imagine how gorgeous it is in person. I hope your mom softens up a bit, especially after seeing you cry. Congratulations on your engagement, and I hope you can work through things with the family.

Post # 98
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I feel your pain.  My family was quite rude about my ring because they thought it was too big. How dumb is that?

I posted a pic on facebook because someone asked me too, since I wouldn’t see her for a few months….my sis replies “*insert random name here* and I were talking about your ring and we were wondering if it gets stuck on things” er, yeah

When I showed my mom the ring she asked me if I was worried if someone was going to stab me for it.  I was like “WHat?”

Then when my sister saw it in person she said “oh it’s not THAT big”…..*eyeroll*

I think sometimes families just can’t be happy for people.  Especially when they have a lack of control/jealousy issues…..

I ended up being rude to my sister because I had had enough…..we were discussing something about my ring and I said that it was insured so we didn’t have to worry about much….my sister said that her ering was not insured and I said “I wouldn’t insure it either”….mean?  yes, but I was 100% at my breaking point with her being very rude to me about everything to do with me being engaged…..she got the point and shut up…..my comment was not really to insult her ring, it was a knee jerk reaction to hearing biting comments for a week and just having had enough

I would put your family in their place…..really, your ring or your wedding is none of their business…..

Post # 99
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Don’t listen to them! A 1/2 carat is plenty of diamond! I have a three stone ring and combined they are about 1/3 carat, and i love my ring πŸ™‚

Post # 101
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee

First of all, I am so so so sorry you are going through this.

Second, if your FH had gotten a “bigger” ring to satisfy your mother, would she have been happy? It just seems crazy to me! Of course I believe you, but maybe she has some underlying issue with your FH and does not approve of the engagement, and she is using the ring as a scapegoat? I dunno, it just seems so absurd to me that she would be so mean about this. I am so sorry and I hope things get better.

Post # 102
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

that diamond is gorgeous!!! it looks absolutely flawless and perfect and exceptionally sparkley. as for your mother….tell her shes not invited to the wedding, that will shut her up. (bluff or no bluff lol)

Post # 103
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What your family thinks has absolutely no bearing on what you and your Fiance think.  You picked out your ring together so your Fiance didn’t “rob” you of anything.  An engagement and marriage is not about a ring.  And being so horrible to you both over a ring is shallow, immature, and distasteful.  Did your mother like your Fiance before he became your FI?  Could this be about something else?  Regardless, be proud of your ring and don’t avoid looking at it.  It is a symbol of your love, and nobody should be able to spoil that.

Post # 104
Member
20 posts
Newbee

OH MY GOOD GOD…. your family is just like mine…toxic toxic toxic. My mothers side is pure italian…. you want to know what i think it is? they are just opinionated.. no offense, i know it hurts sometimes to hear people say mean things about your family even if they are true. It’s ok though, you are getting married to a man you love and this is your life… don’t let her sabatoge it. ROCK the ring, ROCK the engagement, and ROCK your new upcoming life. Let the haters hate lol.

Post # 105
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Hey…

CONGRATS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT.

I’ll say it, becuase that’s what your mother SHOULD have said, end of story. Her comments, quite frankly, are materialistic and selfish.

You cannot buy love, and contrary to what some people may believe, the size of your diamond is NOT a measure of your FI’s love for you. Your ring is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. It is EXACTLY my style, and I assume yours as well, since you picked it out.

Some women simply LIKE a simpler ring! To illustrate:

My parents have been married for 30 years. When my father proposed, he was 25 and had next to nothing. When he asked my mother to marry him, he presented her with a beautiful, IF, colorless, brilliant-cut, .51 ct engagement ring.

Since that time, he has become very successful, running the entire southeast division of a VERY large bank/finance company (I won’t mention which, but you’d know it), made an income high enough for her to be able to be a stay-at-home mom (her choice) for the past 18 years, and taken an early retirement.

He has offered to upgrade her ring for her NUMEROUS times, but she will have none of it. She likes her ring EXACTLY as it is. She’ll take her beach condo, cabin in the mountains, RV, etc etc instead, thanks.

My Fiance proposed to me a couple of months ago with a princess-cut diamond that is EXACTLY the same size (.51ct) as my mother’s, and I was literally ECSTATIC to have something so similar in size to my mom’s, which is always what I’d pictured for myself. I can’t ever imagine upgrading mine, either. I love it to death.

So wear your ring with pride! Instead of looking at it and getting sick over your mother, STARE at it and beam with PRIDE that YOUR FH put it on YOUR finger, and know that it is PERFECT exactly as it is. If anything, I’m the kind of girl that would look at it as an act of defiance against good ol’ mom. πŸ˜‰

Post # 106
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am having problems with my in-laws that is causing me anxiety. All I can tellyou is that in the beginning, the ring, the venue, the decor all seem so important, but as it gets closer I the day it becomes all about you two! I think your ring is beautiful! Ypu should sit down with your family and tell them how you feel. Let them know it is not ok to speak to you or your Fiance like that. It comes down to respect. Please don’t let others sway how you feel about such a sacred hing- the ring isn’t about the shine- it is a symbol of how much you love each other. 

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