(Closed) My Engagement Just Got Highjacked

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kat42: I’m sorry you are feeling this way. As hard as it is to remember, you have to realize that you get one day to be in the spotlight. You don’t get an entire year or whatever. Enjoy your time together and continue to plan.
To me it sounds like she is flakey and will probably call off the engagement. Don’t let drama start.

Post # 4
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i’m sorry you feel this way. frankly, their relationship isn’t your business. you’re getting married! everyone is happy for you — it’s not like their happiness is a finite thing and now she’s stealing some of it, there’s just more happy to go around now! as a bride, you get one day — your wedding day. you don’t get a wedding year. so, share your joy with others, and be happy for them too.

Post # 5
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I can relate – my husband and I got engaged and decided to have an 18 month engagement.  About 6 months before our wedding (on Christmas – the day my Fiance had proposed the year before), we found out that his 19 year old brother was getting married to his Girlfriend (they have a child together…. long story).  They set the date of the wedding as 3 DAYS after ours (yes, in the middle of the week).  We were planning on being on our honeymoon then!  To make a long story short, eventually some of my husband’s family members “strongly encouraged” that they change the date – and they did – to two weeks after our wedding…

So my advice (and I’ve been there, and I know it’s easier said than done):

  1. Everyone will still be happy/ excited that you are getting married, regardless if someone else is getting married too.
  2. Focus on your wedding and don’t compare it to the other person’s. 
  3. Accept that you can only make decisions for yourself – not others.  You can control how you act towards others (e.g. graciously, congratulatory) even if they don’t act that way back.

Post # 6
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@kat42: I can completely understand your gut reaction, but most around you will not.

Put on a good face and continue with your excitement and planning your upcoming wedding.

Personally I wouldn’t share a lot of planning details with her just in case she tries to copy, but I’d tell them congratulations, maybe offer a little advice based on what you’ve learned from the planning so far, and then move on with your own life and your own wedding.

It is true you get ONE day *maybe* the weekend, but the whole year cannot be reserved for your wedding.

You will still have plenty of the spotlight and on YOUR wedding day you will be who everyone is there for.

Also, there will be time after her wedding and before yours that the spotlight will be back 100% on you while you work on all your finishing touches.

I completely understand why  you are upset and would feel the same way, but focus on the fact that you are planning the wedding to the man you love and want to be with forever. THAT is the most important part of this. In his eyes and on your wedding day, the spotlight WILL be on you.

Post # 7
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m with Miss Tattoo on this one too.

You can’t expect anyone else to put their relationships on hold while you’re engaged (be they friends, family, or the neighbor down the street).  Other people are always going to be engaged at the same time as you and, honestly, I’d say that waiting until 2 months after your proposal was more than enough time to wait.

The only time that you get to claim as “yours” is one day – your wedding day.  The rest of the time leading up to it, you and your Fiance hold no claim to.

All that said, I agree that based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t be surprised if your FBIL’s relationship/engagment doesn’t last (but then again, who are we to judge other people’s relationships).  Don’t start drama where no drama is needed.  Just focus on planning your day exactly how you want and enjoy it!

Post # 8
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

:breathes:  Okay, I feel your pain on this one and completely understand where you’re coming from.  But, now, let’s look at the “devils advocate”  🙂  All the positive things.

-She’s an attention whore and not many people appreciate or enjoy this.  Don’t worry, everyone will be more into your wedding than hers due to all the reasons you posted above. 

-Also, they are getting married before you … great!  Once theirs is done, the rest is focused on you!  As opposed to them getting married first, she will never get that feeling where everyone is focused on just HER wedding; they will be focused on both.  You on the other hand, you get to feel that!

-Unfortunately, because that relationship seems to be a screwy one to begin with, do you believe that they’ll make it to their own wedding?  (sorry, I don’t want to come across rude … but, it doesn’t sound too convincing that they will based on her saying “hey we can break up at anytime”)

-Also, his side of the family will be so happy when you both get married .. because they love you as well as their own son.  Can’t say the same for this other woman.  They love their son, but not his choice of a wife … I can’t say they will be overjoyed during this wedding, more like “avoiding it” like the plague due to the sadness that their son IS marrying a woman like this.

-When she stood next to you in her gown, did the family make a big fuss about her gown over yours?  I’m guessing “no” simply because they’re not big fans of HER.

So, that being said … you will need a lot of patience to deal with this, yes.  And I am very sorry that this is going on.  But, you don’t need to share anything with her.  Do all the planning for your wedding without her.  🙂  When you pick your dress, shop of Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, pick cake, venues, invitations, etc … bring your motherinlaw, but don’t invite her.  She can do these things for her own wedding at her own time.  That way you can enjoy the experience without having someone ruin it.

And lastly, feel happy that you are not her, you are not in a relationship like that, and you have found a family that has accepted you as a daughter is more overjoyed (than you, I’m sure) that their son is marrying you.  And bask in it, enjoy it, and remember … you only have one wedding day, and this girl will have nothing to do with it (accept attend).  Good luck and feel special because you are!! Laughing

Post # 9
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m not really understanding how they hijacked your engagement?

You’ve enjoyed two months of engagement and they’re not even getting married at the same time as you.

Post # 10
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Another way to think of this may be that by the time their wedding is done (assuming it ends up happening), you’ll have nearly six months of engagement for it to be your time.  It sounds like everyone is much more excited about your wedding anyways, so I doubt their wedding will take away from the excitement of your day.

Other than just figuring out how to deal with this, there’s really nothing you can do.  It sounds like they didn’t think about the your feelings at all and she likely doesn’t know how to behave in a classy manner, but you can always rise above – be there for your Fiance to vent and talk about his feelings about this (as he doesn’t sound too pleased either), but otherwise I’d say to stay out of it.

Post # 11
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow… I’m suprised you invited her to your dress appointment. I would have said “hey stand right here” (like right next to me) and given her a hip bump off!


I don’t think you’re wrong to feel this way. It does suck. I think sit tight, don’t say anything and continue planning for you wedding. I just noticed we’re date twins! 

Something sounds fishy about him proposing her saying now, him then asking her to cosign on a loan, then them getting engaged… They’ve only been together 5 months, and with 6 months or less until their wedding, it sounds like it could be postponed or called off all together.

Post # 12
46646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I appreciate that you are upset, but life goes on. Other people will get engaged, some even married, before you.

Keep on planning your own wedding- keep the details to yourself  so they can’t be hijacked and be ever so glad that you have the fiance you do and that your fiance has you.

Sounds like his brother may be in for a tumultuous relationship.

Post # 13
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@kat42: I know how you feel! My SO proposed to me on holiday in August, with a placeholder ring. We decided (well, HE decided!!) to keep it quiet as he wanted to propose again properly with a ring etc.. (i’m thinking he just got caught up in the moment and the romance of the holiday and acted on the spur of the moment…) so anyway we didn’t tell anyone about it, and I wear the ring on my right hand. Then two weeks after our holiday, a close family member of mine went to the same island got engaged!! I know it’s selfish but I was SOOO jealous!! I felt like I’d been cheated, she beat me to it as hers is the first engagement in my family, so she’s getting all the buzz. Now my partner has a ‘proper’ ring and is waiting for the right time to make it official… but I’m thinking he might wait awhile so as to not steal her thunder. No fair!!! To rub salt in the wound she’s having the exact wedding I had in my head – the venue I wanted, the same colours, flowers etc, everything! Her wedding is Feb ’10… and I’m a bridesmaid :-/

I’ve been trying so hard to bite my tongue and just be happy for her… the good thing is at least hers with be over and done with soon enough, so maybe then we can get properly engaged!

So I’d be super pissed off too if I were you but it doesn’t sound like they have the most stable relationship, so maybe just try hold your tongue and watch to see how events unfold!

Post # 14
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

This stuff just happens.  Your loved ones will gather around you at your wedding and everybody will celebrate.  That’s your day.

Cheer up!  Heck you could be poor Vanessa Minillo having Jessica Simpson totally bogart her engagement announcement.  (shame on you Jessica!)

Post # 15
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

While I’m not in your situation, I can completely understand how you are feeling.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do, except come on here and tell the Hive all about how you feel. 🙂 I’m sure there are many others who feel the same way about similar situations. I’m glad you can come on here and let all the frustration out. 

Congrats on your engagement!

Post # 16
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m sorry but calling her an attention whore is mean – especially since you are the one complaining that the attention is now off of you. 

I’m not saying you’re an attention whore … but it’s kinda pot-kettle-black because you’re upset that the spotlight is no longer on you. 

I wonder if Jessica Simpson is pissed that Kate Middleton stole her thunder by having the nerve to announce her engagement moments after Jessica did!?  Jessica’s announcement got totally sidelined and buried in the media and I don’t hear her whining. 

Also, think of those brides who already set their date in stone and might end up sharing it with William and Kate.  And, that has to suck worse — planning your wedding, having your date set in stone and finding out months later that it’s the same date as the wedding of the century! 

It’s rare that someone plans to steal anyone’s moment.  I highly doubt Kate Middleton was out there, rubbing her hands together, cackling in delight, figuring out how she was going to steal Jessica Simpson’s engagement news thunder!  Heck … I only found out this week that Simpson got engaged when I read it in People magazine.  I heard about her ex’s engagement, heard about Kate & William’s but totally missed Jessica’s. 

Aaah … such is life.  We have to realize that we do have to share the world with other people.   And life goes on.  During your wedding planning, someone might announce a pregnancy, someone might announce yet another engagement.  Events happen on a daily basis … some more important than others.  That’s life. 

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