Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
Hello all,
I met my SO/now fiancé 6 months before we moved in together. He wanted to get a house together and move in before we were married. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. He assured me that our relationship was very important to him and he really thought we had a long future together. He said he was the settling down type. He even awkwardly brought up the story of how he was engaged before-they bought a house together and he saved up for a long time for her engagement ring $8,000-he even borrowed from his 401k to pay for part of it. She cheated and he moved out keeping the ring set. He still has the ring set and was eager to show me. I didn’t want to see it-I felt uncomfortable and a little jealous too.
We eventually moved in together and he showed no signs of proposing. A year and a half passed and we went on a quick trip out of town. We were walking down a side street and he asked me to marry him. It was so unromantic and he didn’t get me a ring either. I said yes I know one day we will be married and we left it at that. Fast forward a couple weeks and his parents come to visit and he told his dad that I didn’t seem excited. My “fiancé” comes back to me later that night and says my dad told me to get you a ring. I was like oh gee thanks. We eventually went shopping when he remembered. We went to a cheap wholesale jewelry store and tells the salesman in front of me I don’t want to spend more than $2,000.
Normally im not materialistic, I don’t buy myself nice clothes or expensive makeup. This just made me feel less than.
He spends more on suits in a year.
Post # 2
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
I can see why you’re feeling this way. He told you all the money, time, and effort he put into proposing to his ex, and then he’s been phoning it in when it comes to you. I’d be upset too.
Just lay it out for him. Tell him that you’re feeling that he doesn’t truly appreciate you because of the lack of effort he’s put towards your proposal and engagement experieince.
Post # 3
Member
3778 posts
Honey bee
So.. why are you with this guy? It seems you have larger problems than a lack luckster proposal.
Post # 4
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
My FH proposed to me in our basement Christmas Day 2 years ago. My friends thought it was unromantic and dull, but it was perfect for me. We were together for 3 years at the time. I don’t know how much my ring cost, as I’ve never asked and for me personally it doesn’t matter. It could have been an onion ring and I would have been delighted.
You may be feeling underwhelmed right now, but think of the positive: you engaged to the man you love!
What else could possibly matter?
Post # 5
Member
10121 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I kind of feel like you don’t really like this guy all that much from your OP.
Post # 6
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
Is your wedding actually in September? Just wondering because this might be something that you should air out with him before the big day. I don’t blame you for comparing this proposal/ring to his first proposal/ring. It’s kind of inevitable since he told you about it. 
Have you tried to talk to him about it yet? Are you happy with the relationship otherwise? I didn’t have the most romantic/breathtaking proposal ever (because I was pretty sure I was about to be proposed to and I knew he had already purchased a ring a few months before), but I’m very content with the guy at least.
Post # 7
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
Playing devil’s advocate here – he was engaged before and it ended with her cheating. Now suppose he wants a proposal as far from the other one as much as possible, not because he doesn’t trust you but he just doesn’t want to tempt fate. Maybe it’s not even about tempting fate but maybe he wants something different with you.
Also, you are different from his ex. So why should you get the exact same proposal? Why would you want the same proposal? Do you know if he was actually comfortable spending that much on a ring as it certainly makes no sense to release money from his pensions to buy a ring. He’s seems to have grown up since his previous engagement and realises that taking his pension for a ring is ridiculous.
If he’d never been engaged before would you still be happy with that proposal? You can’t demand more from a proposal because of how he proposed last time simply because you’re different people and he’s different now too. I would personally hate a carbon copy of a proposal he’s done before. Now if he’d never been engaged before and you’re still not happy with this proposal, why? Is it the lack of ring, the budget of the ring or the lack of “romance” because honestly none of those are actually crucial to an engagement.
Post # 8
Member
5 posts
Newbee
lbirdag :
lbirdag : yes we are getting married soon. I tried talking with him about it. He even went to his sister about my “complaining” she thinks I’m a gold digger even though I have a great career and I make more money than him. He thinks I’m being shallow and materialistic-but yet he was bragging about his past! The reason why he spoiled her because she was that type of girl…she is a princess type. Petite, blonde, blue eyed and only 21 years old. (His words)
I’m the opposite, tall, brunette, dark eyes, self sufficient, bold. Im older (34). So I don’t need to be doted on.
He said just having him should be enough and if all I cared about was how much money he spent on a ring than I’m a brat. He told me to just let go of what he said and move on already.
Post # 9
Member
4815 posts
Honey bee
cindyslove86 : If I were in your shoes I’d let go of more than what he said. I’d let go of him entirely. Telling you how much he spent on his exFI’s ring, and then not spending as much on yours has got to feel humiliating.
edited to add:
And she deserved to be doted on, but you don’t? This guy irks me no end. He better keep the engagement short before your self esteem kicks in.
Post # 10
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
Your fiance is a immature idiot, you should kick his butt to the curb, you deserve better!
Post # 11
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper
knotyet : THIS. +1
Normally I roll my eyes when someone says their proposal was disappointing, usually it’s because they’ve bought into the media hype of elaborate videographed proposals et al. But in this case, I do understand how OP’s feeling.
It’s not that a simple proposal while out for a walk isn’t good enough, it’s not that a $2000 ring isn’t good enough- it’s that HE created a big freaking fairy tale of The Princess Before and the lengths he went to please her, saving for so long for just the right ring, even breaking his 401k for it, eagerly offering to show OP the ring (dafuq?)…..then with OP, his father has to prompt him to get his fiance a ring, and when he gets around to it, it’s an unromantic errand at a wholesale outlet with cost-cutting uppermost in his mind.
OP (((hugs))) give him back his ring and don’t settle for someone who makes you feel ‘less than’. Because this isn’t just about a ring, this is about the way he treats you in general and you’re not some consolation prize he doesn’t have to bring his A-game to.
Post # 12
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
cindyslove86 : Um, wow. I do not care for his response. I don’t think you’re being shallow or materialistic. He’s just making the situation worse all around.
Post # 13
Member
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
Please so not marry this guy in a month! I feel like there’s a lot to be sorted out before you do
Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
cindyslove86 : Ew! Why are you with this guy? He clearly does not value you the same way he did his ex.
Post # 15
Member
4754 posts
Honey bee
Just playing devil’s advocate here…
Why do you assume he’s bragging? I feel like your assumption that it was a brag vs. trying to show you that he is not the commitment-phobic type or just being open and telling you about a mistake in his life does point to a bit of materialism on your part – you’re equating your worth with a material item.
What I mean is, if my SO told me that, I’d assume he was fessing up to a mistake, not bragging. Because cashing out a 401K for jewelry is a stupid, bonehead move and should be viewed as a mistake that he learns from and not repeated and not bragged about.
Is it possible, since you claim to not be materialistic, that he appreciates that about you and knows that pandering to you with material items won’t work (allegedly)? That maybe he actually hates that he pandered to the “princess” who cheated on him and that’s not how he normally is or who he wants to be but at the time he was dumb enough to think that’s what he had to do and that possessions = love? And maybe he learned his lesson that possessions doesn’t equal love and doesn’t want to be with someone that expects that? Is it also possible the story and showing you that ring was more about just proving he isn’t commitment-phobic and he didn’t think you would take it a way for you to measure your self-worth? Did you ever previously discuss what you wanted in a ring – and if you didn’t is it possible he thought you wouldn’t even be interested? That if you claim to be so low-key and non-materialistic that he thought a low-key spur of the moment non-materialistic proposal would be appropriate? My friend proposed to his girlfriend in the parking lot at work – no ring, no nothing. He just suddenly realized he didn’t want to wait any longer while they were walking to get lunch and did it right there. Never did get an engagement ring, though they exchanged wedding bands at their ceremony.
There are ways to dote on you that don’t involve an $8000 ring – maybe he learned that lesson? How is your relationship otherwise? I would assume that someone who claims to be “bold” and self-sufficient (and I’m going to take that to mean self-assured and not lacking in self-esteem), would not have agreed to marry someone who wasn’t a good guy or whose relationship was somehow lacking. Otherwise, why did you say yes? You should be focusing on the actual merits of the relationship and maybe having honest discussions about the intent of sharing that information about the previous girlfriend and whether it was intended to be a “brag” and maybe a little less on measuring your self-worth based on dollars spent between the last girlfriend and you. You’re comparing apples and oranges here – no two situations and relationships will ever been exactly the same.
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