Post # 1
I’m having a really hard time right now and I don’t know what to do and truly need advice. I dated my ex boyfriend for about 8 months and we broke up around November. I’m 33 and he’s 38. It was an amazing relationship – better than anyone I’ve ever been with as far as our connection. He made me so happy. We never fought and always had fun together. The only problem is we never really talked about serious issues like where our relationship was going and whatnot which was starting to stress me out. He also never said he loved me during that time. I brought it up one day and it seemed like we were on the same page, but he starts acting weird and pulling away from me for a few days so I confront him about things and he says he just doesn’t know and he’s been having doubts. Even though our relationship is great he’s just not sure I’m the one. So he needed some space to figure things out. I didn’t hear from him for over a week and we only talked again because I reached out. This was like 3 weeks of having talks where the conclusion was he just wasn’t sure what he wanted. I was completely miserable during this time. I had no appetite and was doing poorly at work bc I couldn’t concentrate. He also mentioned to me during this time that he still has unresolved feelings for an ex gf that recently made contact with him. I asked him to block her but he wouldn’t do it, and but I did notice he had been liking one of his ex gfs instagrams and she liked his too over the weeks we were taking space. I don’t know much about this girl, only that they dated a few years ago and she’s like 10 years younger than him. After a few weeks of back and forth and me just waiting like a fool – he’s STILL not sure what he wants and I told him I couldn’t wait around anymore for him to make up his mind. It was a horrible drawn out breakup and I’ve never felt my heart hurt that badly before by someone I thought was my best friend.
Ive been doing well over the past few months. I’ve gone on dates but I’ve compared every guy to him. I miss him but I’ve been trying to just forget about him.
We havent talked in almost 4 months. The other day I get a text that says “would you be willing to talk to me this week?” And I said I don’t want to see you in person – what is this about? And he said “to hear me out about a big regret” so I responded saying it sucks that it had to take months of no contact and you talking to an ex for you to feel regretful. That I’m not sure I could trust you again and that I need to move forward with my life. He didn’t respond.
Yesterday I get an email from him saying he understands I don’t want to see him in person but he feels like he needs to try and that he realized how badly he messed up. He had thought about reaching out sooner but couldn’t if there were still any doubts. That he knows now he wants to be with me and that he regrets everything that happened over those past few weeks so much. That he misses me so much and if there’s any way I could forgive him to please consider letting him make it up to me. I responded just saying that it sucks that it had to take this long for you to realize and between the weeks of dragging me along and the ex gf stuff I was really hurt and not sure I could ever trust this wouldn’t happen again. That I never needed space to know that I wanted to be with him and loved him. And to please not contact me again.
I leave work yesterday and am walking out into the street to get a car and I hear him call my name. I asked what he was doing there and he said after he got my email he was upset and needed to go for a walk. But still weird he was outside my office. He has no idea what time I leave work and there are multiple entrances so idk if it was truly a coincidence or he was just waiting out there. He was crying and just saying how much he misses me and he realized how badly he fucked up and he’d do anything to make it right and that he knows it won’t be easy but he wants to fight for me now. I said everything you’re saying now is everything I wanted to hear months ago. He said the talking to the ex gf thing was stupid and his biggest regret of his life. I kept saying no I don’t think I can do this and he was just groveling and saying people break up and get back together all the time over much worse things. That he knows our relationship was special and that he will do anything. I told him that even if I wanted to get back together with him all of my family and friends hate him bc they know everything that happened. This was nothing I could keep private and suffer quietly, I was grief ridden for weeks bc I hadn’t heard from him when this was happening and I needed support. He said he would worry about that and wouldn’t they just want to see me happy.
I got home after that and cried the rest of the night. The truth is – I do miss him and I still have feelings for him. I saw in his eyes how badly he felt and I do believe him he realized what he’s lost. But I’m scared this would happen again. If his doubts were so strong back then, how do I know it wouldn’t happen again? I asked him this and he said sometimes it takes something like that happening to realize what’s really important to you. I told him that I just don’t know if I can trust him and the pain I felt for months after the break up was just finally going away and here we are again. I know this is stupid but I also just think I would look extremely stupid getting back together with him. For some reason I am even more concerned about that. My best friends have heard me cry and listened over the past few months and I truly feel like they would be done with me if I gave him another chance.
But I know it is my life. I’m just confused and can’t stop crying. Everything he said to me last night is everything I’ve wanted to hear for so long but I don’t know what to do.
i appreciate any advice. Tough love. I just need help I’m so lost.
Post # 2
Truth is only you can know what to do! It seems you already know what’s best for you and are standing firm.
It’s natural to grieve a relationship and what could have been. If only and what if’s are haunting. Could you ever feel secure in a relationship with him? Seems like you two would now have a lot of baggage and issue moving forward.
Him not respecting your wishes to not see him and showing up crying outside your work seems a little crazy. Couldn’t he have had flowers delivered and try to win you over to agree to see him rather than stalk your workplace.
Him connecting with his ex makes me wonder if he has a history of doing this and looking back, always thinks things in the past were better than what he has in the present.
Post # 3
He said he was going for a walk and there are multiple entrances to the building and he doesn’t know what time I leave work, but it was still a bit weird. But he said he needs to fight for me now. I feel like the main reason I am standing firm is bc I care so much about what other people think and it would be humiliating after everyone I know has seen me so upset for months. But I also know it’s my life. But I don’t want to be an idiot
Post # 4
I think he tried to get back with his ex because she’s the one he really wanted. Maybe she finally rejected him once and for all so he come back to you. And he think you’ll just be there waiting for him. Personally I wouldn’t take back a man who essentially dumped me for another woman. That means you’re the #2 girl and now he’s moving you up to the top spot because the ex rejected him. I just think you’re finally getting over him, stay strong and keep moving forward, that’s my advice.
Post # 5
I think it was just hard bc all I ever wanted during those few weeks he was “figuring stuff out” is to hear everything he was saying last night like he loved me, is ready to commit, the ex gf thing was so stupid, etc. he told me sometimes it takes something like that happening to know what really matters. But it hurts me bc why did this have to happen at all? I love hearing that he’s all in now but why did it have to take breaking my heart for months to get there.
Post # 6
Don’t do it.
1. This is waaaaay too much drama, especially for such a short relationship.
2. I guarantee, his regret is because he tried getting back with the other ex and it didn’t work out so now he’s back to plan B and assuming you’ll just be there waiting for him. This will be a theme in your relationship going forward if you take him back… You being put on the back burner when something “better” presents itself. Ugh.
Post # 7
I’ve been there. Why couldn’t you have done this a year ago? And I loved him so after persistence I caved. Eventually getting back to the place feeling wise that I was before but the damage had been done. The relationship didn’t last long. Without that baggage, who knows what would have happened. I had to re get over him, it wasn’t fun. But that’s just my experience. I learnt a lot! And am now so happy it didn’t work out!
I know you are saying it’s all about what other people would think. But what about your own self respect. What would you think of yourself taking back someone who crushed your heart and kept it up for quite awhile knowing they were hurting you.
Post # 8
I was in this exact same situation with my now fiance.
It wasn’t an ex that caused him to break things off, it was deep-seated commitment issues that I learned about later, and that he went to counseling to wrestle with. We actually broke up TWICE following this exact same pattern, and I took him back twice (which was a very scary thing to do). Like you, I feared what people would think because I had leaned on friends and family heavily when I was grief-stricken and confused. But ultimately, after also seeking counseling on my own individually, I had to gather the strength to do what I really wanted, not anyone else, because you get this one life. I let him know that I would consider a reconciliation if we first went to couples counseling (we are both in our 30s and both wanted marriage/kids), which he agreed to, and we worked slowly but surely through the mess. This was in late May/early June. Through consistent counseling and brutal, scary honesty on our parts, we worked to get to an amazing place. In December he proposed, and in October we’re getting married. We’ve lived together for a while now and, quite frankly, are happier than I ever thought we could be.
All I can say is that if you look deeply enough into your own heart and soul, you’ll know what you really want – and when you recognize it, don’t let anyhting hold you back from trying for it. I didn’t want to live with any regrets and I’m so glad that we put in the work to get to where we are. As my counselor said, no relationship has a rom-com trajectory; it’s not all of a sudden magic and butterflies! Real relationships are messy, we are human, and your story is your own, no one else’s.
Sending hugs as you try to figure this out! <3
Post # 9
I gotta admit bee my first reaction was that things with the ex didn’t work out and now he’s back for #2.
Stop worrying about what other’s think this is YOUR life and only you will live with your choices. That being said, if you choose to take him back be prepared for more of the same….doubts, lack of committment. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have doubts but using the old “I’ve got feelings for my ex” excuse means he was never emotionally available to you to begin with and just played the part until he didn’t want to anymore.
You need to ask yourself….what changed that makes him so sure of you now? Let your answer help you decide.
Post # 10
I think if you decide to talk with him again you need to ask:
-What really happened during those few weeks?
– Why dont you have doubts now?
– How many times have you talked to the ex? Did they try and get back together? What actually happened?
-Why NOW is he not having doubts?
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
I’m another one thinking he’s only come crawling back because the ex didn’t work out. He’s full of remorse now because he’s ended up alone and he doesn’t like it. It shouldn’t take the rejection of an ex to make him realise he should have stayed with you.
My advice is to stay strong and stay well away from this one, bee. You’re worth more than this and you can do better.
Post # 12
Don’t do it. This man is not worth even a second of your time. It can be temping to try again with an ex, but he’s an ex for a reason.
Post # 13
I’m sorry, but I have to agree with the other posters that I think he tried to get back together with his ex and it didn’t work out, so now he’s back for you, his second choice.
Personal experience with this: I dated a guy that treated me this way. We had an amazing fling (cause it was too short to call it an relationship IMO) and he wasn’t ready to be serious with me because he was fresh out of an 8 year relationship with his high school sweetheart. For an entire year, he kept ghosting me and then reappearing months later expecting me to still be interested, and I was foolish and kept welcoming him back. He talked a lot of game about how he was ashamed of how he kept doing that to me and I deserved better but nothing changed each time he left and came back.
If you really want to give him another chance I would not jump right back into it full blast, because I think you’ll end up in the same position you were before. If he wasn’t over his ex when he was with you he surely didn’t get over her overnight after he failed to make it work with her the second time. If you choose to give him the opportunity to try again with you, I would stay in touch with him, hang out with him, and try rebuilding a friendship with him, but don’t become his girlfriend immediately, until he has proven to you that he deserves your trust and he is really there for you.
Post # 14
megaleg2019 : If you take him back, make him fight for everything even once you are back together. Otherwise he will not learn to value you as he seems to yearn for what he can’t have.
Post # 15
This guy got rejected by his ex and now he’s lonely. You deserve better than being someone’s second choice, particularly after he jerked you around the first time. Please do not go back to this man. And showing up to your place of work? Uh…no.