(Closed) My EX-FI got engaged on NYE…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you ditched this guy for very good reasons. Nevertheless I can understand how his engagement has left you with mixed emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself, all it means is that a part of you would like to be engaged also – just not to him lol.  If you’re in a good relationship that’s a great start.

Post # 3
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

When it comes to exes it is best to be happy for him (from a safe, no-contact distance) and keep it moving.  If you can be happy for him you can be happy for yourself.  There is no reason to be jealous over someones engagement because you dont know about their relationship.  Be jealous if you are still single in 50 years and they are still going strong.  LOL, but really everything happens for a reason, and you just need to stay positive and focused on your own life.  

Post # 4
Member
16 posts
Newbee

You are bound to have some emotions about your ex getting re-engaged.  You were with him for a long time and just because you aren’t anymore doesn’t mean that you no longer feel anything for him or don’t have emotions leftover from the past.  It would actually be a little weird if you didn’t think anything of his engagement lol.  Let yourself have these feelings and i’m sure you will feel better fairly quickly.  Hugs! 

Post # 5
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

Humans are naturally competitive. It’s natural – even on a subconscious level – to want to move on/get married/hit other major milestones before your ex.

Allow yourself to quietly work through these emotions. Just so long as they don’t hurt your current relationship. 

*hug*

Post # 6
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

Jealousy is a horrible emotion and often it comes on for the strangest reasons.. just accept that you feel jealous and know it is just a feeling and move on. It doesn’t mean anything – sounds like you made the best choice.

Post # 7
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Chances are all the issues that you talked about, the abuse and the alcoholism, haven’t magically cleared up in the 2.5 years since you’ve been apart. It normally takes a lifetime to  deal with those emotional issues. Sorry to say, someone else is marrying into that nightmare. Be greatful that its not you and let that be your solace.

Post # 8
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I have an ex who hurt me, too, and when I found out he had gotten married, it upset me, too, even though he was a total jerk and I didn’t want him back. It was like, “Ugh, how is this jerk finding happiness in a relationship? Who does he think he’s kidding?” And, “Why is he able to be a decent enough guy to marry for HER?”  But of course, I don’t know anything about their relationship, or how he may or may not have changed. Try not to judge your emotions too harshly.

Post # 9
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to say I can relate and you are not alone. My ex was also manipulative and emotionally abusive. I eventually kicked him out and he got engaged literally 2 months later. I was pissed at first – how could he move on so fast? But it made me realize that he never really loved me and that I deserved so much better. I blocked him on all social media, phone number, email, etc and never looked back. I’m now married to a wonderful man and I’m so appreciative that we took our own time/pace to build our relationship, which is so strong and amazing. If your ex is anything like mine, he’s probably not even in love with his new fiancé – he moved on quickly because he NEEDS someone to control. Don’t play into this competitive game – do what feels right for you and your relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I think it just means you’re human, but I can relate. I found out that my ex from years ago is happily involved with someone, and thought we haven’t spoken in years, it still hurt. I even started a thread about it lol. In my case, I was the one pushing for the end of our relationship. Up until that point, getting out of a bad relationship always brought me a sense of relief. WIth this ex, it was different. I knew we wanted different things, but I didn’t feel relief when we parted ways. My life was not rainbows and unicorns when it ended. In fact, I played the “what-if” game with myself relentlessly. What if I had tried harder? What if I made a mistake? What if he was still growing up?

I have to remind myself that life is not a competition. Just because he moved on faster than me, it doesn’t we didn’t make the right decision. I have to tell myself that maybe slow and steady wins the race. Like PPs have said, you have no idea what his relationship is like. All you can do is keep moving forward. Trust me, I know it’s easier said than done, but what other options is there? Hugs!

Post # 11
Member
8998 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

peridot said

“Why is he able to be a decent enough guy to marry for HER?” and I think that is a very good point . Course, as  she also suggested he may still be an utter arse , or he may have changed , (maybe be even due to you)  –    but somehow, our base memory  gets stuck  and  an  irrational jealousy  makes itself felt!

It’ll  pass bee, I think we have all had  someone  we turned into a perfectly   good  bf/FI/husband – for somebody else !

 

Post # 12
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

And it’s the last blow to the ‘dream’. When we fall in love, we create a dream life of what it will be like in the future. In good relationships, the future dream life becomes a reality. In bad relationships, it becomes the floatation device we attach all our hopes. When reality doesn’t match that dream life, we hold on tighter. Hoping that someday when X, Y or Z happens, we will ride off into the sunset together. 

Once you finally wake up to reality and break up, that darn stupid dream life still sticks around. Often the pain from a break up is from letting go of that hoped for dream life. 

Fast forward to now. Your reality is really great, but that past dream life is still there. Totally normal and totally confusing! So acknowledge the could-have-beens and wished-for things from that dream life. It’s sad when that 100% becomes something that can never ever happen (even if you realized that in your head long ago, the heart is kinda stupid like that LOL). Grieve the life you wanted to have with him. 

Then refocus on the great reality you have now. 

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