My ex is engaged why do I care???

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

It’s been four years. Stop following your ex on social media. 

Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Why do you think you care?

Its been 4 years and you’re in what appears to be a much better relationship with someone else now… so count your blessings, focus on what you have now and unfollow your ex so you don’t keep seeing his shit.

Post # 4
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I can understand where you’re coming from. I was also in a fairly unhealthy relationship (mid to late 20s, so not that long ago) and I broke things off after he cheated, I stayed, he didn’t change and he showed to real intention to commit.

When I broke up he was all “Woe is me, I’ll never meet anybody ever again boohoo” and within half a year he was dating, and met somebody and after less than a year of dating his girlfriend was pregnant with a planned baby (after he’d told me, he’d consider having kids again with the “right” person and laughing at me when I asked if I might be the right one). He then proposed and they recently got married. And while I don’t wish to see him unhappy, it did make my stomach twist because it made me wonder why I hadn’t been good enough and what I did wrong and what kind of crap he had told her about me (as he told me lots of things about his previous marriage).

It took a while but I’ve come to the decision that really, some people are just wrong for each other and bring out the worst. He made me feel insecure and I got clingy, that made him pull away and I got more clingy; I tried to do everything right and was always trying to get his attention and felt desperate when I didn’t get it. I gave him more power over me than I should have done and he used it in a way he shouldn’t have used it. Obviously, in his new relationship this is different. Maybe he learnt from it, I certainly did. My partner now brings out the best in me and I in him. We love each other but do not need to cling to each other because we’re secure in each other. 

It sounds like this is similar to your new relationship. The breakup with your ex made your new relationship possible. It was one step towards the best your life can be.

Sure, it feels icky but try to consider where your relationship to him has led you. I most likely wouldn’t have met my fiancé if I hadn’t dated my ex (the ex got me into a TV show through which I met my fiancé). 

You’ll get through this feeling. Also, don’t check their insta and fb anymore. It doesn’t make ANYTHING better.

Post # 6
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
amilly435 :  It really is the healthiest thing to do. I’ve deleted his number and unfriended him. I do hear what he’s up to through friends but that’s not nearly as painful as seeing pictures of the two of them (because he was never comfortable to upload pics of him and me).

Post # 7
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

People are being harsh. You’re entitled to your feelings. It sounds like he honestly didn’t treat you the way you deserve and you’re in a much better place now. That doesn’t change what it’s like to love someone (even an abuser). The truth is, they may seem happy on social media but you never know. He could be a total asshole to her in private just like he was to you. Focus on how far you’ve come. You are not the same person you were when you were with him. In my experience, insecure people can often treat those they don’t deserve terribly because it makes them feel powerful and keeps them dependent. His degrading comments got inside your head and made YOU feel unworthy when it is HIM. Do not forget how he treated you. In the mean time unfollow, don’t check their social media. Focus on your own relationship. You are moving forwards, never look back! 

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I so feel you Bee! I dated a guy who cheated on me a year in with his ‘best friend’. He always said she was unattractive or uncool so it hurt me so deeply he chose her over me. I think that hurt made me not get over him like I should have and still have feelings for him even years later. Two years after we broke up, he married the girl he cheated with. I was devastated. They seemed so happy together and everyone seemed to be so supportive of them. But their marriage is what finally caused me to get over him and the whole situation. It wasn’t immediate but slowly, I started to let you the situation go.

Recently, 4 years after our breakup and 2 years after they got married, a mutual friend told me they got a divorce. I guess his ex started sleeping with other guys behind his back and she said he was a terrible husband and that’s why she cheated.

I feel like the reason you haven’t moved on isn’t because he was great or because you two had a great relationship together but because the way he hurt you made you subconsciously seek his approval. Your lives are no longer linked but it seems like you still see his actions as affecting your worth because he cheated. As someone who has been thru this kind of thing, I just want to say you have SOOO much worth and none of it is hinging on him. The reason he didn’t treat you right wasn’t because you weren’t good enough but because he was a jerk and a bad person. My advice is to use their engagement as a time to get over him once and for all. Also, remember just because they’re getting married doesn’t mean he’s any better a SO to her. Or that they’re going to stay together and live happily ever after. He cheated and from my experience, in most cases, once a cheater, always a cheater. Keep focusing on the good in your life and your healthy relationship with your SO! 

Post # 9
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

He was an asshat and you guys were pretty young. It is possible he has grown up a little bit and treats her better (as far as compliment and such).

Every relationship is different. How he was with you will be different from ALL his relationships. You’re with someone better and to be honest, it sounds like he’s with someone better suited for him. 

I understand the hurt and I know it’s not because you love him or anything like that. It’s just you’re feeling insecure and rejected. I get it. Block him and his gf from all social media. You don’t need to be in their lives and they don’t need to be in yours. Be happy in your good relationship now, hopefully he treats you like a queen. Forget the loser who didn’t deserve you. Plus social media is different from real life. People can post all positive things but you never know what goes on once they’re logged off.

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