Post # 1
Now, I don’t mean ex boyfriend or anything. No. My EX HUSBAND is in the bridal party. allow me to explain.
My best friend is getting married next month, and I’m one of her bridesmaids. I’m doing her make up and customizing her shoes, and travelling a long distance to be there in the first place. I’ve been very involved with the whole process and helping in any way I can, and couldn’t be happier for her.
Then came when I asked who I was to be walking with down the isle, and she jokingly named off a guy we both know. That exact same day, that exact guy friend informed the groom that not only would he no longer be a groomsman, but would not be attending at all. Great friend, right? He’s just a flake. Anyway, yesterday I asked my friend if her FI and picked someone to replace him…
He picked my ex husband.
Now, mind you, it’s not like anyone is unawared that there was a divorce, and a bad one at that, but I guess this deal had been made quite some time ago. I guess the promise was that he would stand in as a groomsman if it was necessary…and I suppose it has become necessary.
Luckily, I don’t have to walk with him (I’d probably break his arm) but it’s going to be all sorts of awkward with photos and such. I’ve avoided this guy and his new wife for over a year, I didn’t want to break that record.
I’m still going to be in the wedding (Obviously, I’m not THAT bad of a friend) and I’m just not going to deal with my ex. I’m pretty sure he knows better than to try to talk to me. I’m just super stressed out just because I do NOT want to see that man. I know I have to put on a happy face for my friend, but I’m heart broken inside that this decision was made.
Just had to get that out there.
Post # 3
OMG I feel horrible for you!
i have no advice, but good luck
Post # 4
Okay, first, I want to say that you seem like a very level-headed, strong girl and a very good friend, and I think you’re being pretty amazing about a situation that would have most women in a total emotional meltdown.
Yeah, it’ll be awkward. But if you two run in the same circle of friends – enough that your best friend’s FI is a close enough friend of his that he’d be asked to be a groomsman – then the meeting was probably inevitable.
Post # 5
You will feel MUCH better if you prepare yourself to be polite and civil during the ceremony, reception and any other activities (rehearsal dinner and what-not). I’m not saying you have to catch up on old times or enjoy each other’s witty dinner conversation (sarcasm there). But if you can say Hello, make small-talk about the weather if needed, and generally treat him as if he’s a stranger rather than someone you dislike intensely, you’ll enjoy the day more. And that will trickle over to the rest of the bridal party.
If you are the “bigger person” then you get to go home with memories of a really special day, and your few memories of talking to the ex about how “it sure was a hot summer” will fade pretty quickly. If you spend all day thinking about how you’d like to break his arm or how it breaks your heart to see him there, then you’ll be left with that as your memory.
It’s your choice how you handle it but I’d let the anger go now, and set my sights on being civil, nothing more, nothing less.
Post # 6
I feel for you. I remember the first time I had to be in a wedding party with my ex husband. I was dreading it.
Then a girlfriend gave me the best advice- ” Situations like this are the test of your maturity. Can you be a graceful, civil person in difficult circumstances?”
I chose to be exactly that and rose above the digs from him andthe looks from his new wife.
I felt so empowered and sooooooooooooo glad I wasn’t with him anymore.
Post # 7
First off (( HUGS ))
As a Divorced Woman, with a UUUUGLY divorce at that, I soooo get how painful this must be for you.
No way at 1 or 2 years out, could I have handled a social event with both us there. Family, friends etc. Just no way, I wasn’t strong enough
So like @ProfessorGirl: I have to commend your fortitude, and level headedness… not to give you TOP MARKS for being one of the BEST GFs that a girl could ever have, putting the Bride’s Wishes before your own needs.
Although, I would make a point of talking to both her and her Fiance, and pointing out that you will do your best, but you also expect them to be considerate to your needs, and that you will not be put into a situation where you have to walk with, sit beside or be photographed immediately next to your Ex
Know that I am sending you ~~ Good Vibes ~~ and hoping that the day runs smoothly, and you get thru it without too much grief.
PS… Lol, obviously I don’t know all the details in regards to your break-up, but I am guessing that Wife # 2 is having a major meltdown right about now knowing that your Ex and yourself will be in a Wedding Party together (especially so if she is young or insecure etc). So if she was the “cause” of your split… know that in this one instance, you can perhaps claim back a bit of the territory she stole from you… (your dignity during the divorce) if you carry your head high, and come off looking calm and collected (and AMAZING) she will no doubt have a total freak out. Could be a BIG WIN for you (people do notice such things).
EDIT TO ADD – Looks like julies1949 and I were drafting our replies at the same time… and obviously on the same page. Indeed rock the power lady… you DESERVE it.
Post # 8
Thanks so much every one 🙂 You all really know how to make a lady feel better! I’m definitely going to be the adult and the sexy one at that! My husband told me that I’m going to make my stupid ex’s new wife super nervous. The passive aggressive side of me says “Weeeeewwwww!”
Post # 9
@Spinder: and your husband is going to be showering all his attention on the beautiful, confident, sexy, MATURE, CIVIL and DIGNIFIED wife he has and should be proud of 🙂
Post # 10
wow. i’m so glad i’m not in your situation. are you feeling any better about how you are going to approach it? there’s lots of good advice here from the wise ladies as usual.
Post # 11
You know what, act like hes not even there… show him that you are SOOOO much happier without him. be happy for the bride and groom, screw the ex..
Post # 12
Oh man that would suck!! ignore him completely.
Post # 13
Woooow. I can’t be in the same room as my XH for safety reasons, but even if I could I’m not sure if I could handle it! You sound like an amazing friend and a very level-headed woman. I’m sure you’ll handle it with grace.
Post # 14
Yuck, I am so sorry! I have to say, I’m kind of surprised your friend didn’t put the brakes on her FI’s decision. Surely he could have picked someone, ANYONE else?
Post # 15
so sorry about your situation, but you do seem pretty mature and you are gonna handle it well. Don’t show him that you are unconfortable! and especially if his new wife is gonna be there.. just be classy and much better than them 🙂
Post # 16
Wow. I don’t know how bad the divorce was, but for some reason, I wanted to tell you to break the ice and speak to him first. It’ll bust the awkwardness for everyone involved, including the bride and groom. Show everyone that you are okay with it and over it with a generous smile. Just walk right up to him at the rehearsal and say “Hello. Long time no see. Pretty good, huh?” and to the wife, “You must be Mrs. X? nice to meet you. This is my husband, Mr. right. Well, enjoy the wedding.” And walk off.
I wouldn’t try to make it not awkward for him. my goal would be to do this so the groom and bride do not worry about tension. And also to relieve my own tension. I have felt the tension of trying not to speak to someone or trying to ignore their whole existence. It’s easier to just acknowledge it and forget it.