My ex-lover (now really good friend) and my best friend…

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sapphire88 :  I just think trying to be friends with a guy like that after you’ve already hooked up with him and had strong feelings for him isn’t going to work well for you. I think those feelings will always be there. So just take that into consideration. 

And yes, you absolutely did ask her before she slept with him. No matter if she was flirting with him or not if you had to have that conversation with her than you knew. I have friends with flirty personalities and I would never go up to one of them and ask them not to sleep with someone unless I knew they were capable of actually doing it. It absolutely SUCKS when a friend betrays you but distance yourself until you feel comfortable having it out with her and getting your feelings heard and understood

Post # 19
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee

1. Hang out with better quality people.  And I mostly am referring to the dude here, but it could apply to all involved (although it is completely unfair to say the fact that she slept with a guy who for all intents and purposes is free and single says something about her potentially going after your boyfriends in the future – this is a you problem with being unable to accept the reality of the situation, no matter how much you protest otherwise that you do really know).

2.  Stop trying to turn f*ck buddies into BFFs.  You’ve known this dude approximately the same amount of time that carton of soymilk has been hanging out in the back of my fridge I keep meaning to toss from when I baked vegan cupcakes earlier this year.  Get a little perspective here.  Maybe you guys are just super young and sheltered and just haven’t met many people so when you’re in college a few months seems like this is soulmate (platonic or romantic) material worth hanging onto forever.  There are 7 billion people on this planet.  I promise you this dude isn’t a unicorn worth hanging onto.  Stop hanging out with your f*ck buddies once you stop f*cking.  You wouldn’t be in half the mess you are now if you had – you would be over this dude instead of clinging to scraps and what’s left of your dignity by hanging on to this dude.

3.  Stop hanging out on hookup apps.  You clearly aren’t emotionally built for hookups and casual sex.  Do people occasionally meet their eventual spouse on tinder?  Sure.  But the app is basically designed for “show me all the available dick/vagina ready to roll in an X mile radius of me right this minute.”  Large portions of its clientele are looking for hookups or slightly longer term but not seriously considering Any thing permanent.  And clearly the dude you picked was one of those people. It really should not be surprising that the dude on the hookup app didn’t want anything long term and hooks up with other people.  The fact that you seem to place most of the blame on your friend and not the dude and seem more ready to forgive him but not her is laughable…as If he had zero say of where he sticks his dick?  Your friend just has the enchanted vagina that casts it spell on men and renders them powerless to do anything but stick their dick in it?  Be smarter than that.  You know exactly what he is – he hasn’t been hiding it.  You’ve just been too blind to see it because you keep hanging on for scraps.

Post # 20
Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

First, you set yourself up for hurt bee.  You can’t be close friends with someone you have romantic feelings for and especially when you never gave yourself enough time to get over him???  We say “No contact” for a reason.  What you’re doing is a recipe for repeated heartbreak.  Step away from this dude…..permanently.

As for your BFF…..drop that chick bee.  A friend, no matter what personal turmoil she may be going through, doesn’t do that. She’s showing you who she is bee.  She KNEW getting drunk would make her behave that way!  She even PROMISED you she wouldn’t go there and she went there ANYWAY without any regard for how it would affect you.  That’s friendship ending in my book.

You need better friends bee.  That’s what you should work on.

Post # 21
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

the fact is he didn’t want a relationship with you and you ended the physical relationship months ago. at this point he’s just a guy you’re still hung up on, probably because you decided to be his friend and hang out with him all the time (which i’ve totally done before). telling your friend she can’t sleep with someone that you yourself dont want to sleep with and have no chance at a relationship with is perhaps a little controlling. the fact that she told you she wouldn’t and then did it anyway is what i’d find offensive. that, and coming into town to see you but bailing for a dude. not cool.

as for him, clearly you’re not in a place to be friends with him even if you thought you were. lesson learned. if theres a real (friendship) connection there you can resume hanging out once you’ve truly moved on. 

Post # 22
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It was kind of shitty for him to sleep with your best friend, considering you told him you don’t want him to sleep with any of your friends, but he has only been your friend for 8 months so I would see it more as “kind of shitty” rather than a huge betrayal. In your situation, I would make a choice: Either cut ties with him completely, or cool off from hanging out with him until you can move past your feelings for him. And if you realize you can’t get over your feelings for him, I think you should reconsider being friends with him.

As for your friend… Yeah, I’d be really hurt about that too and have a hard time forgiving her. It sounds like she has her own issues. This wasn’t just a one-time thing, this is a pattern for her that happens when she drinks. If you choose to keep her in your life, I would have restrictions on the friendship. No hanging out while drinking. And if she doesn’t want to hang out with you unless you’re drinking, well… That tells you what you need to know.

Post # 23
Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

sapphire88 :  your friend broke the cardinal rule of sisters before misters.  Yes he isnt your boyfriend, but there was still a (fresh) history there and any self respecting friend would not do such a thing.  I’d reconsider the friendship to be honest.

As for the guy – cut him.  Girls and guys can be friends, but not when theres lingering feelings.  It is just too messy.  I dont think you’ve known each other long enough for him to feel he has to be loyal to you as a friend so I dont think he’s in the wrong as much, but this will blow up again at some point and you’re only hurting yourself 

Post # 24
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

With friends like these, who needs enemies? I’d be done with both of them. There’s no excuse and drinking doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to do. 

That said, I would rethink the “just friends” thing. Clearly it doesn’t work when there are still feelings. Sometimes it’s better to know that when something is done it’s done. The ability to move on is underrated. 

Post # 25
Member
908 posts
Busy bee

Your “friend” is terrible. Cut her off. This story says more about her than anything. I don’t care how drunk she was. I feel like she had one job and she couldn’t do it. 

And the guy, drop him too. This isnt healthy. 

Post # 26
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Friends earn your trust over time.  The hookup has broken your trust in less than a year so you may want to reconsider calling him a “good friend”.  You want to surround yourself with people you trust.  Not everyone is friend material, and that is ok.  You can talk to them but you must know who they are and protect yourself accordingly.  

Your “Best Friend” has some growing to do and has to learn boundaries.  Do you want to have to spend your life keeping her away from your boyfriends or husband?  Not saying she will always be this way, just that she needs to grow and learn her value.  

Be better than them.  Keep your distance, use a more critical eye to look at the behavior of the people you align yourself with. Judge their character and decied if it is a match for how you see your life going forward.  Ask yourself if you are comfortable with what they are doing, saying, the way they are behaving.  Is this how you want to be viewed?    

Post # 28
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

Sorry this happened to you. I’m not sure what you should do about your relationship with your friend, but as for the guy, get rid of him. There’s no need for him in your life, and I think having him around is keeping you from moving on and finding someone new. 

Post # 29
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

sapphire88 :  This really sucks, bee. I’ve been through something similar. My best friend started dating my ex with whom I remained close. Neither told me for a couple of months, and it broke my heart. He, too, told me my friends were off limits. It was the start of a slow decline in both friendships. I didn’t care that they dated, but they broke my trust, and it never recovered. There is never any coming back from it. I still chat with him, but we are definitely not as close as we once were. She and I do not talk at all, though there was a lot more to that decision than just their decision to date. The split a couple years ago, and I constantly wonder if it was worth it all. 

The break from your bestie is a good idea. You have to determine if you can forgive her and trust her again. As for him, it’s a strange relationship you two have, and it seems like maybe he has feelings for you but isn’t ready, and you deserve so much more than that. You have to let him go. He wants to keep you on the sidelines until he is ready for you, and that is just so much wasted life, and time for you to give up. 

Post # 30
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Okay all this stuff has already happened, is your question what do you do about it? Think of yourself, that’s what. You have 2 “friends” who don’t give a rat’s ass about your feelings, and they proved it and you know it. Nothing after that is any surprise. 

If you have other friends, put your time and energy into them, and make new ones. Try not to make things this involved with friends. Emotional quicksand. 

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