My ex-lover (now really good friend) and my best friend…

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

Take some time away from both of them, short responses if they contact you but don’t reach out yourself. Take the time to focus on yourself and your other friendships / relationships. 

Post # 32
Member
3897 posts
Honey bee

The fact that you didn’t want this guy to hook up with your friend is proof enough that you have unresolved feelings for him. If you truly didn’t have feelings for him, it wouldn’t matter who he was with. You’re just hurting yourself by staying “friends” with him. You really have to cut him out of your life because you’re holding on to hope that this friendship will morph into a romantic relationship. Well, it won’t. And when he finds someone that he really likes and stops spending time with you, you’ll be crushed. Save yourself and end it now.

As for your friend, she’s a douche and I wouldn’t waste time on her. Find other friends.

Post # 33
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

That girl is not your friend.

Post # 34
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Comment deleted for violation of TOS

Post # 35
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sapphire88 :  ETA- I deleted my first part regarding your relationship with the TInder guy, while I find it incredibly strange- that’s not what you came here for, it’s about your girlfriend. But cut that asshole out too.

Regarding your BFF, that’s fucked up and I’d call it quits on that friendship.

Post # 36
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Wow, I feel that everyone is being way too hostile towards you about this. I agree with some that staying friends might not have been the best idea but I also totally understand why you did, I mean you had made other friends through him and you enjoyed spending time with him, if you felt you could handle it I don’t see a huge issue unless it actually held you back from moving on.

Your best friend did a shitty thing, for sure. I would never do that to my friend, especially not for a meaningless one night stand! My current partner had a small fling with a friend of mine SIX years before he and I met online. They worked together and they used to chat online (MSN messenger, just to emphasize how long ago this was lol) and made out one time before she moved away. I STILL asked if she would be okay with it before I went out with him, even though she lived across the country and by then we only talked like once or twice a year.

This guy also did a shitty thing, but considering the length of your relationship with your best friend, I think the fact that she did this to you is way worse.

Post # 37
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

They both lied to you and engaged in actions they KNEW would hurt you. I’d call it quits with both of them.

You want to collect honorable, trustworthy people into your life. Not this self-centered trash. 

Post # 38
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

sapphire88 :  my dear, I am sorry this happens. However, wouldn’t you like to be too mature for all the nonsense? Going out getting super drunk and “hooking up” with casual sex partner, these are low brow behaviors that teenagers make in college years. With luck their behavior has no permanent damage for their life or the rest of society however sometime it does. 

Leave off the people that binge drink and the men seeking a hole in which to put their penis. Associate with responsible women and with men who are morally horrified to use women like objects. There will be much less drama for your life. 

Post # 39
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wow. There is a lot of hostility toward you on this thread. I think you have every right to be upset. Friends don’t hook up with their friends’ exes. Especially when they are aware of the drama and are asked not to. Friends also don’t abandon their friends whom they haven’t seen in a while. 

These people don’t care about you. I hope you can make some better friends.

In the meantime, be as upset as you want while you process your bff’s betrayal. And ditch the fuckboy. I don’t get why he is bugging you now. What is he afraid of losing? Were you basically his girlfriend without the commitment and sex for the past few months? His behavior is strange.

I’m so sorry your friends treated you this way.

Post # 40
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

I had a best friend like that.  I forgave her the first time, but of course, she went after another of my boyfriends a year or two later.  Then I was done with her.  It’s up to you how many chances you want ot give her, but in my experience, if your best friend does that even once, she’s not your friend at all and will do it again.

The guy, well, he’s not worth it.  You don’t need him in your life, either. 

Post # 41
Member
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can see why you felt hurt by what your supposedly best friend did. Whether the dude was ever your boyfriend or not, she did something she KNEW would hurt you because you even specifically asked her not to do it. That’s just…not very nice. 

On another note, maybe I’m too old for the Tinder crowd and just don’t “get” them, but this dude sounds either super young or super weird to me. You’ve only known each other a few months, he said he didn’t want to date you, but he feels so bad about what he did (…but why exactly? You guys aren’t and weren’t ever dating), and he loves you so much (…? Not generally the sentiment you express to a friend-with-(ex) benefits for only a few months), and CRYING? Again why? Lol.

He sounds like he’s starring in his own badly written original romantic play. No thank you. 

Post # 42
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think it’s good that you told them both you need time and your BFF that you didnt want to talk to her, for the moment. 

I have a couple of concerns about your friend. I’m honestly concerned for her mental health and well being. Healthy people dont black out drunk and sleep with random people. Alcoholics do. *Im raising my hand becaus I’ve been there*. It was a really bad time in my life and no I’m not proud of it. But I hated myself then. I’m not saying to be friends with her. I think you should establish healthy boundaries, for YOU. But I’m saying don’t hate her. It sounds like she has some serious issues going on and honestly to lose her will probably hurt her especially if you’re a good friend to her. I would definitely put the brakes on her. I think she made a mistake by signing an invisible contract with you of ‘I will not sleep with guy you have feelings for still out of respect’. She obviously got drunk, lost her decision making part of her brain, and did something stupid. I’m sure she feels REALLY SHITTY about it.

As for him. I think he’s just an idiot. And I wouldn’t believe his roommate. He made a mistake by agreeing to stay friends with you. And you made a mistake by telling him ‘no strings attached but dont sleep with my friends’. Like, for adults, that goes without saying. 

It just sounds like you all have some growing up to do and some mistakes were made. We ALL have been there. Anyone who judges you and says they haven’t are probably lying or need to build a thicker skin. 

And I agree better choices in friends can be made. Nobody’s dead. Planes arent falling out of the sky. You will surive this and there are some good take aways here Bee. 

Good luck to you. 

Post # 43
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Just wanted to say that I feel for you. I dated a guy for maybe a month but we hooked up on and off for 2 years afterwards. He was the first guy I was in love with. A good friend, not my best friend but a good one, knew my whole history with him and knew I was still in love with the guy. She started dating him and didn’t tell me – I figured it out on my own and then confronted her. We also all worked together which made things more difficult. Anyway, they are married now and we no longer all work together, and looking back I can’t believe I was ever that into him. But I did have to cut them off – defriended from Facebook and stopped talking to them. The difference was that I wasn’t trying to be good friends with the guy, but I definitely still had strong feelings for him. Definitely cut off the guy, and only time will tell if you feel comfortable enough remaining friends with your best friend.

Post # 43
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

What your best friend did was shitty. After all you’ve revealed to her about your feelings for this guy, I have a hard time believing it was a random”accident” that she found him to have a one-night-stand with the minute she got into town. On at least some level, she knew exactly what she was doing and how much it would hurt you and felt compelled to go there. Your trust in her was misplaced since she used the very thing you confided in her against you — on purpose. Dump her.

As for the guy, I don’t believe his tears and apologies either. He will do the same thing the minute another such opportunity presents itself. His sexual satisfaction is 100 times more important to him than your friendship. I would cut off this “friendship” as well.

Post # 44
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

annabananabee : your response is perfect. She is quick to forgive the guy, that she also told not to sleep with her friends, as if he had no control over sleeping with her best friend.  

sapphire88 :  was he drunk also? If she was completely wasted and he wasn’t, it sounds like he took advantage of the situation. 

What she did was crappy, but is also seems like you are setting this up to throw in her face that she is a terrible person by showing all the responses on here, I really hope I have that wrong.

BOTH of them are guilty of betraying you, maybe you should reevaluate your friendship with both of them, just not her.  

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