(Closed) My extended family is offended that I'm having my wedding 250 miles away :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I justified in being hurt by my aunt's comment?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 17
    Member
    7039 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Weddings bring out the worst in people.

    250 miles isn’t very far. Anyone who thinks that it is needs to travel outside of their tiny bubble more often!!

    Post # 18
    Member
    65 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @saffy:  Your aunt is SO RUDE. You have so many good reasons for hosting your wedding in Buff (I went to school there!) If you haven’t responded, I would say something like, “It hurts me that you’re letting 250 miles prevent you from coming to my wedding, when you know that neither my mother or father will be able to be there in person.” Guilt trip to respond to a guilt trip 🙂

    Post # 19
    Member
    5317 posts
    Bee Keeper

    With a destination wedding, I wouldn’t expect extended family to be able to come… unless you can foot their travel costs.

    Post # 20
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Whenever anyone tells me, “Everyone is thinking…” or, “A lot of people have told me…” I always replace the, “Everyone,” in my head with, “I, personally.”

     

    And I respond to the person as if she (*because it’s always a girl, at least for me it is*) has spoken alone without dragging in supposed countless other people into the scenario.

     

    So, your aunt’s letter actually reads, “I, personally am disappointed you chose Buffalo over Michigan. etc. I hate traveling and sleeping in beds that aren’t mine, and now I have to. Wah.”

     

    In which case, who cares? I doubt your entire family ever agrees on anything, because no one’s family does.

     

    IF she had said yes, I might write, “Dear Aunt Bossy, I am delighted you can come to my wedding. I look forward to seeing you and your family at our celebration.” And I’d be thinking, “TROLOLOL, SUX 2 B U! Gotta leave the MItten sometimes, auntie.”

    But she said, “No,” which shows that she’ll only come if it’s perfectly suited to her convenience. I have turned down wedding invitations that wouldn’t work for me or were too far considering the relationship, but I’ve never insulted the bride with my RSVP card!  I am quite shocked that she was so rude to you, and I’m glad you won’t have to pay for her dinner.

    Post # 21
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    That’s unbelievably rude and catty.  Why would anyone be disappointed” by you having your wedding in your FI’s town? Makes no sense. Don’t even bother trying to justify your decision. You’re not going to win. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Agreed with all the PP. That is rude. Substitute “250 miles” with “~1,600 miles” and we’ve got the same situation. Fiance and I also met online, but I’m moving to TX to be with him after the wedding. Hence, we compromised by having the wedding in WI where I (and about 1/3 of my family) live. 2/3 of our guest list will now have to fly quite a distance to make the wedding and, understandably, most of them can’t for cost, health, or convenience sake. The only comment I can recall getting even close to that (and it was not nearly as catty) was from my Future Brother-In-Law and that was more over the choice of date than the fact we’re getting married 1600 miles away. I cried a bit then decided that I didn’t care. We gave him plenty of chances to have some input into when we would hold our wedding and he never got back to us…thus, in my mind, he lost his right to complain. 😉

    I’m so sorry you’re getting this kind of backlash from (at least one member of) your family. Hopefully the rest of your family will appreciate how difficult the decision of where and when to hold your wedding was for you and this will be the last of the hurtful, snide remarks.

    *hugs* Here’s one bride who can totally empathise with your situation. Lots of well wishes are being sent your way.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3949 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I’m so sorry she was so rude.  I just don’t get people sometimes.  My brother, his wife and two kids under 5 drove 870 miles (15hours by car) to come to my wedding and never said one word.  The rest of my family took a plane.  

     

    The only thing I can say is try to put this out of your mind, and move on.  It sounds like you have found great new people and that you’re happy.  It won’t be easy but don’t let her actions or inaction, ruin your day. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Sorry that she was so rude 🙁 I’m dealing with this too, with my FI’s family. My parents and sister are in California, my grandparents in Oregon, cousins everywhere, and FI’s sisters are in California, brother in North Carolina, one set of grandparents in Florida, and parents in Nevada. We are in a totally different state altogether. Rather than have everyone have to travel to some boring location, we decided to go for a destination wedding somewhere tropical. My parents and grandparents are on board, but his family continues to make comments like, “I don’t know if anyone could afford that…” (Which, they can.) The price in plane tickets is going to be exactly the same, and they can either opt in or out on the vacation part. Yet, they continue to offer his Uncle’s backyard as a reasonable alternative. We have our own backyard, and would use it if we were backyard inclined!! It makes me sad, but it’s not at all going to sway our decision on this….and your Aunt shouldn’t make you feel bad either. Her problem, she can get over it or miss seeing your wedding day. I suspect she’ll redact her response when you make it clear that you’re not going to totally change all of your wedding plans because of her snotty RSVP.

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    1302 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    OP, it’s awful that she’s being so rude and blaming you for her lack of attendence.  That does suck.  BUT…..keep this in mind:  When you plan your wedding, you need to 1) do what’s best for you and 2) do what’s best for the majority of people.  Unfortunately, she’s choosing to take this personally rather than seeing the logic of the situation.  Don’t try to justify yourself further, you don’t need to and likely it will fall on deaf ears.

    Also…..think of it this way.  If she cares so little about sharing this important day with you, *especially* in the abscense of your parents, she obviously doesn’t put that much value on her relationship with you and that’s unfortunate.  I would drive 250 miles in a heartbeat for someone I cared for, as would most people if they reasonably could.  The silver lining is that maybe now your day will be shared only (or mostly) with the people who truly love you, rather than those looking for a free meal because it’s easy and convenient to attend.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    i’ve driven 250 miles for a BIRTHDAY party of a close friend – your aunt should be ashamed of herself; how selfish. 

    and 250 miles? OP – that is NOT asking too much or even really ‘choosing’. his parents and sister trump extended family who behave like ingrates. i mean honestly, what did you do other than inviting them to a nice party where you’d wine and dine them? yikes, i’m sorry you had to deal with that, you’ve done NOTHING out of line. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    257 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Wow – that’s unbelievable! Both Fiance and I have parents from OS so pretty much all extended family coming from Europe and New Zealand and Singapore to Australia – and all excited for the holiday!

     

    I don’t think I’d be whining about a trip to NY! I’m sure your wedding will be amazing, in one of the most amazing cities in the world, and she will miss out. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    291 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - The Skinner Barn

    @saffy:  Sorry that your aunt was so negative. You’re definitely not alone. I’m from the NYC area and my fiance is from Vermont. I currently live in Philadelphia while he lives in Alaska. We have friends and family all over the country and the world. It’s always going to be long distance for someone.

    All of my fiance’s extended family lives in Vermont and my mother’s entire side of the family lives in the Lake George area of NY. His family lost a lot during Hurricane Irene so I knew they wouldn’t have a ton of money to travel. We eventually decided to have the wedding in Vermont. It was close to his family, less than 3 hours away from my mother’s side of the family, and it was MUCH cheaper to hold a wedding in Vermont. Like 50k cheaper. It was a no-brainer. 

    A lot of my friends and family are very excited for the wedding. They are looking forward to spending some time enjoying the fall foliage in Vermont and have even created vacations out of the wedding weekend. I have family and friends coming in from California and Kansas and Missouri. It made me feel so supported and secure in my decision.

    About a month ago, my mother is on the phone with my grandmother who can’t stop expressing her displeasure for where we chose to have the wedding. My grandmother is ranting about how I should have held the wedding in my hometown, where I have NO family and few friends. I mean, I haven’t lived there for five years. It would be inconvenient for everyone involved, plus I couldn’t have the rustic, low-key wedding that I’ve always wanted. I just couldn’t understand it. Vermont is only a 2.5-3 hour drive for her compared to a 6+ hour drive into the NYC area. Apparently she felt that me having the wedding in my fiance’s hometown meant that I was choosing them over my own family. I don’t know where she got that from.

    I have learned that no matter what you do and where you go for your wedding, there is going to be someone who is not happy. In the end, you just need to tune out their negativity on your wedding day and enjoy the day you have worked hard for. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @saffy:  her loss! At the end of the day, YOU are the ones planning the wedding. All your guests have to do is show up. So in my opinion, you should be able to have the wedding wherever you want. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    532 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @joya_aspera:  I have extended family members coming from another country for my wedding and I’m not covering their cost, nor am I expected to. Her aunt is just selfish. 

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