(Closed) My extended family is offended that I'm having my wedding 250 miles away :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I justified in being hurt by my aunt's comment?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 32
    Member
    604 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @saffy:  That’s too bad. I totally understand how frustrating that can be. Fiance and I are from different provinces – I’m from Ontario and he’s from Newfoundland. Not just Newfoundland, but a small island off the big island. When we were trying to decide where to hold our wedding we realized that much of his extended family wouldn’t bother travelling and/or be able to afford to travel to Ontario. In contrast, my extended and immediate family kept mentioning how excited they were to go to Newfoundland – before we even knew where we’d get married.

    Unfortunately, it meant that only a select few of my friends are coming (and I’m soooo grateful that they are!) and a lot won’t be able to come. The same with most of my cousins. I have one aunt and uncle who are not coming who I haven’t seen in years who had the nerve to say to me “Do you realize how inconvenient that is!? It’s not just in Newfoundland, it’s on an island OFF Newfoundland. We have to take a ferry!” I tried to respond nicely, but I was thinking all kinds of nasty things.

    As RSVPs are coming in there is a part of me that is sad that so many people can’t make it because of where we chose to get married, but we made a list of the people we absolutely HAD to have at our wedding in order for it to be the perfect day before we decided where to have it, and all of those people will be there.

    Sadly you can’t please everyone. And it is really stressful and emotional at times, but just try to keep in mind that what really matters. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    336 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Your aunt should be ashamed of herself and her selfishness. A lot of people surrounding weddings forget that weddings are about TWO people, and TWO families. The wedding had to be somewhere, and you do not have to justify having it where one family is located– especially if Fiance is closer to his family than you are to yours. It just makes sense. It also sounds like it’s logistically easier for you guys to set up where Fiance lives, and by all means, weddings are hard enough without having to plan one 300 miles away!

    My own ILs are guilty of that (two people are, anyways); my Future Mother-In-Law herself got upset with someone I asked for help and said, “Stay out of the wedding! This is MY wedding!” Her brother has said the same. Luckily, the person on the receiving end stood up for us and corrected her that this wedding was mine and FI’s. But it definitely hurt to see how little my feelings (and MY family) mattered in regards to MY OWN WEDDING (that Fiance and I are paying for 100%).

    And ultimately, if anyone decides not to come because of their own selfishness, that’s on them. I’m not going out of my way to appease someone who can’t see past their own damn needs, and put theirs aside for one day to watch as two families become one.

    Post # 35
    Member
    880 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    @Trinisexy2:  +1

     

    sorry you’re aunt is acting caught up in herself! your feeling offended is perfectly valid. That’s her ish! If it were me I wouldn’t even respond AT ALL. Have the wonderful wedding you’re planning and don’t even think twice.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    i don’t think i would bother being hurt buy it; it’s a really dumb comment

    Post # 37
    Member
    260 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Restaurant

    You can have your wedding anywhere you want, and no one has any right to say they are hurt.  What would she say if you decided to have the wedding in Jamaica or something!? Just ignore her if you can. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    663 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    Your aunt needs to realize that the world is bigger than the rust belt. Damn. Detroit to Buffalo isn’t to the ends of the earth… (I’m originally from Cleveland, btw.) Just tell her you’re sorry she can’t come, and end it at that. Be the classier one in this situation. Also… 250 miles on I-90 is, like, 4-5 hours, tops. She needs to get over herself. Your reasons for the NY wedding are absolutely smart and make perfect sense to me. As someone who has flown across an ocean to attend a wedding (and anticipating inter-continental travel from some of my own guests) I think she’s WAY out of line.

     

     

     

    If having your Michigan family at your wedding is important, as I’m guessing it is, I suggest that you talk to your cousins/other aunts and uncles and express how much their attendance would mean to you, despite the travel time. Don’t mention this aunt’s crazy at ALL, though. Just ignore it and hope she feels like the asshat that she is. 

     

    Post # 39
    Member
    235 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @saffy:  I can’t say that I have had this problem. Fiance and I live in Boston. FI’s family is from here but his family recently moved to Myrtle Beach to retire. We love it down there & are getting married down there in 2 weeks. I was very worried my Mom would be upset. She wasn’t I think she was relieved that she didn’t have to worry about anything. Then there was my Gram. She wasn’t well when we started. Last Sept she went into a nursing home. That sealed the fact that she would not be at the wedding. But the whole time she has given me a hard time about it. Little tiny snide comments here and there. I haven’t talked to her brother and their family in YEARS but I invited them (when we thought she would be coming) because her brother lived down near there. I got a wicked snide comment from them that their RSVP was late because they were waiting to see if Gram was coming (even tho they knew she was in a nursing home and unable to travel) and they would only come if she was there. 

    In the end, I see it this way. No skin off my back. I am devistated my Dad won’t be there. That he passed long before he met Fiance and the family. But I know that FI’s family and friends and opened their arms and offered me full support since the day they met me. So while I will miss Gram. I won’t miss the stress she will cause me by being there. For the first time in my life rather than focusing on her and taking care of her, my Mom will be able to focus on me. 

    So think of the good. It sounds like your Future IL’s are a good bunch… you made the right decision. Put the others out of your mind… you are loved… no matter what..

    Post # 40
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    If this is typical of how your extended family acts; than it’s no wonder your not close.

    Post # 41
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I understand exactly what you are going through. Fiance and I are getting married in my hometown, where we currently live, which is 600 miles or a 2 hour plane ride away from FI’s family. He is close with his extended family and we were informed via someone else that his aunt and uncle do not think they will attend our wedding. We were shocked since we have well over 16 months until our actual wedding and we figured that family would make the effort to make it to the wedding, especially since it is the first one of our generation in the family.

     

    Fiance and I discussed it and our logic is that we are not going to beg anyone to attend our wedding and if it isn’t worth it to them to make the effort and attend then that is their decision but it doesn’t mean that relationships wont change.

    Post # 42
    Member
    754 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Booooooo to them.  Most of my family is in Upstate NY. My parents live in Michigan. I have relatives scattered all over the country.  FI’s family is mostly concentrated in the Chicago suburbs, where we live… where most of our friends are.  Why would we make 80% of the guests (and ourselves) travel, instead of 20%?

    I certainly don’t want to inconvenience my family, and I hope they are able to attend, but you can’t please everyone.

     

    It’s your day Smile  You only get one, so do what makes sense to YOU.  They can deal with it or not, but don’t let it get to you.

    Post # 43
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee

    Sounds like my crazy aunt! Who is also in the process of trying to guilt trip everyone on that side of the family to not come, just because she doesn’t think it’s in a good location. Hah! I think the whole thing is so funny/ridiculous that it’s funny. Thank GOD she’s not coming…

    Post # 44
    Member
    16 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    I’ve driven 400+ miles to attend a wedding before, no big in Texas. I’ve also had to decline invites due to travel expenses, but never had hard feelings. Aunt is very rude with no reason to be upset with story as you tell it. Only other thing I would consider is that maybe she’s having a  hard time dealing with your parents death in regards to wishing they were there to see you. I think that just responding with regret that she can’t make it but in a positive tone. Good luck! 

    Post # 45
    Member
    4145 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @saffy:  Wedding’s truly bring out the worst in people sometimes. Everyone wants to be convenienced and they forget that it’s not their wedding and their convenience is neither here nor there. Please just brush this off as someone being self centered and catty. It sounds to me like you made the right decision by choosing New York. Your decisions should be the best decision for YOU, not your relatives.

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