(Closed) My families lack of excitement is really upsetting me…

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That sucks!  I would be really disappointed if my mother wasn’t interested in my wedding.  When my mom got her save the date she  called me right away and raved about it.

I’m not sure why your fam is acting that way.  Maybe it is because it’s your second marriage? Some people are funny about that.  The only way to know for sure is to tell them how you’re feeling and see how they respond

Post # 4
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

my parents don’t call me, ever – I always call them. I felt this way during planning, but they were excited at the event.  i have accepted that this is just how they are. I guess some people are just into their own things.  Do you have a distance between you, geographically? Has there been talk about the fiance’s parents getting more of a say? Just trying to think of reasons that they may be acting that way.  Maybe she doesn’t know it’s hurting your feelings.

Post # 5
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My mom was like that too.  Between the distance between us and the fact that we were paying for everything, she never really seemed that interested/ecxited until right before.  Then she got more involved and seemed more excited about it.

Post # 8
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Talk to your mom. My mom was completely not interested in the wedding until about a month in advance. Then she was crazy excited and wanting to help. She just kept saying it was like, a year away, then 6 months away, then 3 months away, and that it’s tough to get all excited about something that is sooo far off. I doubt it’s the 2nd wedding thing–but maybe your mom feels a little bummed she’s not able to contribute more…like her thunder is stolen by your FI’s parents so she feels like she shouldn’t be more involved. Just encourage her that you really want her involved and keep getting her to do stuff with you.

Post # 9
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am with you on this!!! I am going nuts. I dont think anyone is truly excited but me. I know it sucks but with or without peoples help i will make it fabulous! I wish my mother or bridesmaids were more involved. Thank goodness for my sister (MOH)

Post # 10
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you are close with them emotionally then talk to them. They may not realize that you want them to show you how excited they are, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not. Or it could be because you’re not closer yet, or really it could be anything, which is why talking to them may help you feel better.

Post # 11
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I was feeling this way a couple of weeks ago. What I did was ask my dad to run some recon for me, and he found out that my mom didn’t want to be too overbearing, and didn’t realize she had gone too far to the other extreme.

It may be that she doesn’t want to go too big on you. I just flat out told my mom that I probably wouldn’t take all of her advice, but that I still wanted it and I wanted my mom to be girly with me. Ever since she has been great.

Post # 12
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think there are few people that are naturally very excited about someone else’s wedding months and months in advance.  I’m not sure it’s fair to demand that from them.  Absolutely they should be suportive and listen to you and be nice but it sounds like they are doing all of that.  However, they’ve had their own weddings and been to a bunch of weddings and while it sounds like they are thrilled you found your FH and are probably excited you’ve decided to get married and are getting married those things should not be conflated with excitement about the actual wedding. 

Same as everyone else is saying, I’m sure they will get excited when the wedding is really close.

A possible way to get them excited is to get them involved in a meaningful way, if they have the time and this wouldn’t be an imposition ask them to help you figure somethings out.  Not just accompaning you somewhere but contributing real value and input.  (On the downside that means giving up some control but it might be worth it to you). 

Final note: weddings didn’t use to be these year long affairs.  People got excited when the engagement was announced and then where excited to attend the wedding, not excited for a whole year.

Post # 13
13 posts

My parents are definitely NOT excited for my second wedding.  In my case, it’s one part cultural (I’m Indian and remarriage is uncommon), one part opposition to my choice of partner…and now after reading this board, I’m understanding that it’s also one part “been there done that”.   I think it’s only natural for there to be a little bit of the charm lost.  (And If I’m really honest with myself, there are some things that even I am not as excited about e.g. I don’t care for a bridal shower, amazing centerpieces, etc.)

It does suck that my parents rarely ask me anything about our wedding planning and that when I try to tell them things I’m met with one word answers and blank expressions…BUT I’m accepting it for what it is and don’t expect them to act otherwise.  What I do to cope is lean on the people who have expressed their excitement and interest…mostly my bridesmaids and such…but honestly, it doesn’t matter who it is (e.g. a co-worker I don’t like or my gym manager)…I just enjoy the moments where I can connect with anyone over this important part of my life.

Good luck!

Post # 14
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all don’t get sad, and know I feel for you!  Plus our other encore brides here have made some very good points but I’ll chime in too.

There are imho some people who are naturally excited about parties (weddings fall into this category) and some who just don’t.  Maybe your mom falls into the “just doesn’t get excited” category, that’s all.  Or, she could be like my mom, and let’s just say she’s “unique”. 

I haven’t received any negative feedback at all about this being my second wedding, but it is because everybody is so happy to see me happy again.  My fiance’s family is like yours, super excited too.  Pretty much everybody around me is excited, except my mom, who is herself just engaged and rather self-centered (I hate saying this but it’s the truth).

Btw, we’re paying for everything but the rehearsal dinner, which T’s parents are paying for.  My mother is paying for nothing.  Not at all.  And she even asked me a few weeks ago if I’d be paying for her and her FI’s hotel room/suite.  I’ve not even gotten a congratulations card from her at all.

I agree w/Arachna in maybe doing something meaningful with them wedding-related.  Also, if your wedding is in october it might be a bit early to see that whole excitement as of yet.  Give it a few months and then see!

Hugs and sorry you’re going thru this.

Post # 15
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heritage Square Museum

Hugs and So sorry you’re going through this!  Weddings- first, second, whatever are emotionally charged and so I think it is definitely easier to get our feelings hurt!  I totally agree with everyone else that maybe your mom isn’t the “excited about a party” type person, or maybe she’s trying not to but in, or maybe…well I don’t really know, but you DO know your mom.  So I think you should get the subject out in the open and talk to her about it- let her know it’s hurting your feelings and see what she has to say.  And NO MATTER what she says find the joy/fun in planning a wedding to your special someone and carry on! Joyfully! Congrats and Good luck! 

Post # 16
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I felt this way with my parents at first but things got much better after talking it out. How about just telling your mom how you feel? I’m sure she has valid reasons or maybe she hasn’t even realized how it’s coming across as being disinterested.

I hadn’t expected my parents to be involved with the planning since they live overseas but they were showing no enthusiasm at all at first. They even told me “why spend all that money for one day, why don’t we just do it at my FMIL’s backyard”. For my first wedding they had planned and paid for the whole thing in my home country so I understood they had already done their part but I still felt hurt since I’m much more excited this time than the first. After a couple months as I was talking to my mom about my dress shopping her interest suddenly sparked. She said she was so upset she didn’t fly out to be here with me, that she’d seen a girl shopping for a dress with her mom the other day, that I’m so far away and she’s missing this important experience, and she even started crying. I asked her why she hadn’t offered to come out then? So, my mom’s been dealing with fibromyalgia for the past couple years and still trying to adjust. Turns out when she has her pains and fatigue, everything bothers her and seems like an impossible chore because of her mood. She said on her good days, she’s a different person and she’s so excited about my wedding. I’m also upset I can’t be with her for that but at least we understood each other, now at least we talk about it on the phone every week and it’s been great.

My dad’s a different story. I accepted the fact that he just won’t be excited about it. But he offered a very generous amount of money to help with the finances today, and I’m grateful for that. My dad’s not a man of great emotion and his support is thru tangible means.

I’m sure your mom has her reasons as well and sometimes we get so caught up in our joy that we may not think about what they may be going through. I still strongly recommend just talking it out with her.

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