(Closed) My family doesn’t like him…. (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Wow, that’s tough.  I don’t have any advice.  My family didn’t like my first two husbands, but they never excluded me or him from family events because of that. I really would not have known what to do if they had. 

My heart goes out to you, your fiance and your whole family. I really hope you find a way to work this out.  I’ll add you to my prayers… 

Post # 4
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Welcome to WB!

It sounds like you’ve had a lot of discussions with your Fiance about a starting a life together.  However, your family may not see that.  You mentioned that it’s been an off and on relationship and some of your family knows your dating and others don’t. 

Does he go to weekly dinners with you?  It may be hard for your family to understand where you are at in your relationship with Fiance if they don’t regularly see you interacting.  Are you looking to get married this summer?  I can understand if your family hesitates with the news, especially if not everyone knew you were dating.

I really hope everything works out for you.

Post # 5
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Double post

Post # 7
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

He will be YOUR husband, not theirs. If he treats you well & does the best he can for you. Go for it. Unfortunately, you will find out who will be there for you and who will not but they shouldn’t matter. Maybe they think he’s flaky and is somehow going to disappear on you (hence the on-and-off-thing) so they don’t want to invest time/energy/emotion into him? But 5 years is quite a while and clearly, he isn’t going anywhere. Maybe you can have a convo like that with them? However, I’m not confident they’ll be receptive. Do what you want and keep your fingers crossed that they’ll come around eventually. If he’s meant to be your husband, you don’t want your family interfering in that and influencing your decision about whether or not to marry him. Good luck girl!

Post # 8
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I kinda feel your pain… as I was NOT accepted by my Darling Husband family when we first dated and got engaged. My Mother-In-Law and SIL constantly talked about me and brought issues to my Darling Husband about it.

He’s been really great though.

Here’s my adivce.

Don’t move in together just to get her “blessing”.. considering your mention of spiritual beliefs that wouldn’t even make sense. You have to continue to forgive your parents for their hard heart and blind eyes. <– Pray that God show them what he’s showing you and your Fiance. Don’t disrespect them but as the same time you have to stand by your Fiance… do NOT allow any down talk about him while he’s not around and just continue to tell your parents that you love them, but as long as them what to talk about what they see as problems as opposed to encouraging you and him to solutions.. you can’t talk about it.

It’ll be hard at first.. but if you really just keep going to God and asking what need to chnage in YOUR heart and keep your heart clean.. He’ll move in your parents. I promise b/c that’s what His word says.

I would also suggest pre-marital counseling… even though you and your Fiance have talked about most things it’s still good to do.. and may make your parents feel a little better about it all. Here’s the book that Darling Husband and I used with our Pastor…. it’s a great tool even for just you and your Fiance.

Preparing For Marriage

As for extended family.. well they’re just going to have to deal. Just keep loving them and not expecting them to return it.. not in the right way anyways.

I will defintiely be praying for you and him and I’ll put now this..

I pray that you and your Fiance grow closer together in this time as well as closer to God. I pray that as you seek Him and that the Holy Spirit will guide you and give you the wisdom & strength that you need, as He is our helper. I pray that your parents would have the blinders fall and that God would change their heart from the heart of stone they have to a heart that is like His to see that love that He’s given you. In all of this I pray that you constantly stay aware of your own hurts and offense and keep God’s love insight to repent and let His love pour from you to your family. I thank Him now that He says that as we turn and follow Him that He works all things out for our Good and that He WILL accomplish the plans He has for and through us!

Pm me anytime… I’d like to hear an update!.. *he is more than able*

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

as you have been on and off for five years i can understand part of their frustration – but you know what, you make your own choices for yourself so if any time during the off periods you feel like bitching about him to your family – do not. 

for now, during your conversations with family drop in some great points about your Fiance, if he did the laundry or picked up something for you or made some great tips because hes been working so hard.  doesnt have to be flowers and expensive gifts but speak positively about his actions and maybe they will start seeing the good in him

but… i also suggest you go into this with open eyes because for everyone in the family to think negatively then i worry if there is something youre not seeing

goodluck

Post # 10
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow that is tough. If your family is church goers getting premaritial counseling done by a pastor they love and trust would be huge. You need someone besides you talking your guy up. If not, are there people they know and respect you could hang out with as a couple? Same idea, you need people seeing his good points, seeing how he treats you and blabbing in a good way. πŸ™‚ 

I do second eloping: please be careful because there may be problems that you are not seeing. It never hurts to be super careful as this is a forever thing. πŸ˜€

That being said it comes down to your decision. If you knew you were going to lose your family forever would you still marry this guy? (I am not saying it will come to that but it could.) It all comes back to your priorities. The Bible says a man  will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (it also needs to happen in reverse). The two become one.  What God has joined together let man not put asunder. That includes the whole family. Unresolved inlaw issues lead to many, many divorces. Here is a great article on the subject http://www.marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-parentsx-to-cleave-to-your-spouse/

 

 

Post # 11
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

WB ate the rest of my post GRRRRRR!

If you are ready to commit your life to this man do it. Start your own family, your own traditions. You needn’t be alone on the holidays. Don’t bow to your mom’s emotional blackmail. Stand up for your man. He needn’t “humble” himself. He is an equal, a man worthy of respect. Don’t let your family badmouth or browbeat him. He needs you to stand up for him! I told my mom this: “I am not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth ____. If you have concerns let us sit down and talk about it like two adults. I am willing to listen but only once. I will not have you constantly harping on the subject as that is non productive and morally wrong.” Standing up to your family will in the end make them respect YOU more and he will too. It will solidify your marriage relationship. If they continue to do it walk out. I do!

I hope this helps. I will be praying for you. If you ever need to talk or vent PM me. I wish you all the best. πŸ™‚

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