Post # 1
okay, so maybe it’s not as dramatic as it sounds but my cousin found me on facebook and requested me as a friend today. i don’t really talk to my mother’s side of the family and was hoping to get married without them knowing. there’s been a sense of “us” (me and my sister) and “them” all the other cousins. i have 14 adult cousins all with various spouses/significiant others as well a smattering of aunts and uncles so that tacks on another 30 or so people to our list. it’s one of those things that if i invite some i have to invite all. i don’t know where this rift started but it’s going back a couple of years. we haven’t been close since we were little and i feel a little annoyed that i have this family obligation to pay for someone who is basically a stranger to me now. thankfully my father is an only child so i don’t have to worry about his side of the family – this is all on my mothers side. my mother and maternal grandmother are both deceased as well as my cousin’s mother (my aunt) so i don’t feel bad about causing any friction between the “adults”. yes i’m 32 years old and still consider us cousins, “kids”.
my sister doesn’t understand why i feel this way, she says i should just invite them. she was married 5 years ago, invited them all and they didn’t even have the courtesy to rsvp no. they were basically no call/no show. had this been a job they would’ve been fired. she thinks they won’t show anyway. just my luck they would ALL show up. Fiance doesn’t really have an opinion either way, he doesn’t really understand it. he’s not used to a big crazy italian family. his family is much more low key. we’re paying for the wedding ourselves so thankfully we don’t have anyone putting any type of pressure on us for the guest list.
am i making too much of this? do i need to censor myself on my page. i don’t know how she found me quite honestly. i don’t use my real name or any affiliations (i.e. work, school, etc) i actually have no family members as friends. now i’m afraid since she found me my other cousins are soon to follow.
i feel a little better venting. and a little silly – you’d think i was in the witness protection program a’la my blue heaven (great flick!). we’ll see what happens.
Post # 3
You can make a limited profile list where people on the list can only see certain things about you. You can allow as much or as little as you want. I find this is a good option for distant relatives. 🙂 And if you don’t want them at the wedding, don’t invite them.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
I too was going to suggest the limited profile list. Generally I have those on my ‘limited’ list set so that they can’t see my status, links I post, or pictures. basically to them it looks like i pretty much don’t come on to facebook very much.
Post # 5
I had a distant aunt who found me on Facebook and I foolishly accepted her friend request. Now I wish I hadn’t. She has been giving me unsolicited wedding advice left, right and center, and criticized my choice not to be married in a church. Don’t friend your cousins. If they don’t talk to you now, then why start on Facebook? Don’t feel obligated to invite any of them to the wedding.
Post # 6
I am in a similar situation. There was a bit of a “falling out” between the adults, and I haven’t seen my cousins in 15 years. I just became “friends” with my one cousin on Facebook. We made polite small talk via email, and she clearly knows I am engaged but I have made no mention of wedding details to her, because I don’t intend to invite her or her parents. We haven’t been a part of each other’s lives for so long, I just don’t see the need to invite her.
I wouldn’t invite them– especially since they were rude enough to not even RSVP to your sister’s wedding.
Invite the people who are actually a part of your life! Why waste money sending invites to 30 extra rude guests you really don’t want there?
Post # 7
Don’t invite them. 30 extra people is ridiculous especially since you don’t have a relationship with them. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – Facebook is the root of all eveil when it comes to weddings. Oh, and don’t talk about your wedding all up on Facebook either.
Post # 9
I wouldnt invite them. Fiance and I have tons of “family” members we arent inviting. (including my parents and sister) We dont feel like we should be obligated to invite people who dont know us as a couple.
Post # 10
Accept her friend request, but don’t invite them. I don’t think you should invite anyone that would make you feel uncomfortable. I’m inviting several Uncles and Aunts and Cousins, but not inviting one cousin who is psycho and I’ve already told my family that I am willing to go to the map about this one. Just make sure if you make a declaration that you stick to it.
Post # 11
I’m not sure about the friend request but I don’t think you need to invite them. I have some cousins that I don’t know, and they don’t know me – I’m inviting their mother but not them.
Post # 12
I agree with making some post private. I am doing this because I have a co-worker as a friend and I am not planning on telling anyone at work about the wedding.
Post # 13
I’d accept her friend request on a limited profile. It could be that she no longer wants this rift in the family and wants to get to know you. Don’t invite her, because it’s not fair to have to suddenly add on 30 more people, but at least you can start getting to know each other if that’s what she wants. If she’s only doing it to get an invite or to be mean/spy on you, etc then you can unfriend her easily.
Post # 14
Don’t feel bad. Ignore the request and don’t invite her.
Post # 15
I had this same cousin problem… it’s just too many to invite! I wouldn’t add her to my profile at all. Sigh… people come from all over expecting an invite! I feel your pain, but don’t feel bad. If you don’t have regular contact with her (or any of them) they shouldn’t be there on your wedding day!
However… do you think she’s reaching out? Or do you think she’s just trying to get an invite to the wedding??
Post # 16
i’m glad to see that i’m not a terrible evil person for feeling the way i do. thank you bees for sharing your point of view. oh and as a little update – one of my other cousins (her sister) requested me today. oy vey!