(Closed) My family hates my fiancé and now he doesn't know if he wants to get married

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would just elope no need to have a wedding. My parents are Cambodian and my fiance is white. I am not even inviting a lot of my family to my wedding. My mom doesn’t mind that I’m marrying a white guy because she is dating one so we don’t have that problem. If we did I would just elope and not even bother with a wedding. Our wedding is small about 60 people and its primarly for my fiance’s family. I am only inviting my mom. my brother, and my son are the only one who is going to be of blood relation to me at my wedding and I am totally fine with that. 

If you do decide to have a wedding only invite people who support you and your fiance no one else. Weddings are stressful as is add family drama on top of that makes a wedding not enjoyable for anyone involved. 

Post # 3
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

Exactly what I was going to say – elope. I can only imagine what kind of sh*t storm an actual wedding will cause. I’m sorry your family is ruining your marriage/life. I went through this when I was younger with my european family who brought me to Canada at a very young age but had no intention of allowing me to be “Canadian”. I ran away when I was 15 and that’s obviously had a huge impact on my life and who/where I am today. Building the relationship with my family since then has been a looooooooooooooooong rocky road and my father and I are still not speaking. BUT the family that has chosen to work on it with me has accepted me 100% and our relationship is now healthy and supportive. You can’t live your life based on your parent’s wants/needs. You only get to live your life once. Please don’t waste your precious years on making others happy, even if they are your parents. Your fiance’s hesitance probably has a lot to do with your reaction to the situation.. crying, sadness, etc. I bet if you change your attitude to “I don’t care” (even if you really do), it will help both you and him heal and move forward. Good luck hun.

Post # 5
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

PrettyPinkPeonies:  It certainly is possible your family will disown you, at least temporarily, but you seem to be willing to let that happen for your fiance. Ultimately it’s your decision what happens between you and your family, so if you’re willing to make that choice, he should respect it and not keep saying “I don’t know, I don’t know” if he, as he claims, truly wants to marry you.

I also think, with you being 29, and already having worked full time for a few years, that it is a bit absurd for him to want to wait till you finish school before really considering marriage. It isn’t like you’re 21 and in undergrad with no life experience. It is perfectly normal for people to marry while they are in the midst of higher education.

However, if you are willing to be disowned, at least for a time, then you need to know whether you can truly handle that. If you think you are going to completely fall apart, become horribly depressed or resentful of your life and in turn your fiance because of it, then I do not think you should proceed. Your entire mental health should never become someone else’s burden to carry, so if you think staying with this man and leaving your family would make that happen, you need to move on and find someone your family will approve of, for your and your fiance’s sake.

Post # 7
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

OP, I can relate to this somewhat. I am Asian (Chinese-American), my husband is Black (African-American)… Now you see how much harder for me and my husband to be together, 100x more times harder than your case…. The statistic of ‘Interracial marriage’ here in USA for ‘Asian and White’ couples are 100x more times than ‘Asian and Black’ couples.

My then boyfriend, now husband know all about my ignorant mother who dislike him simply because of his skin color, but he never gave up on us…. We went through alot to be together; and long story short, we married!!…. It was him insist on get married, and I agree to get married. I married him with nothing, I married him at a simple and quick City Hall/Courthouse ceremony.

I’m 30 and hubby is 29. I married him without an engagement ring, without a wedding reception, without a honeymoon…. In defense of my husband, it was all my insist. I don’t need anything, all I need is him…. And I want to protect him too. IF one day he regret this marriage, at least there wasn’t much of any money spend on it…. But I can tell you this, our marriage is fine so far. Hubby say he is happy, and he wants to “stay married”.

Hey, if me and my husband can work out, you and your Fiance can work out too…. But my situation might be different than yours, because I was never close to my parent, and I have an abusive mother, which make it easier for me to leave her…. I leave mom’s house when I was 18, and I survive without a penny help from her eversince…. Me being Financial independent, it sure give me the freedom to live the life that I want, not the life that my Chinese mother want.

My mom sure disown me eversince I married my husband, but Prffffff! I don’t care my abusive mother anymore… My husband is all I have left now…. I never have a good relationship with my mom since the begining anyways; so she disown me or not, it really doesn’t matter.

I can say this for sure, when a guy love you, he won’t give up on his future with you…. My husband never give up on us. He bust his guts to be with me. Him and his ‘f*ck the rules, f*ck others, f*uck everybody, it just between me and you’ —- attitude of hubby, Lol!!…. I sacrifice for my husband as much as he sacrifice for me. We married now, my mom can’t stop us anymore.

I don’t know the personal situation between you and your Fiance, and I don’t know why your Fiance suddenly want to postpone the marriage…. But OP, when a guy truely love you, he will NOT give up on you easily…. IF, if your Fiance give up that easily, then maybe there is an ‘underlying’ issue, or simply just ‘excuse’…. You should sit down and have a heart to heart talk with you Fiance… Good luck to you OP, hope it all work out.

Oh, and if you not living with your parent, and if you are Financially independent then I don’t see how can they stop you…. Go head and married your Fiance if you want, well he have to be on the same page too…. But I am 100% sure that nothing can stop you two, if you two truely love each others…. btw, how old is your FI? If he is around your age, then there shouldn’t be any problem.

Post # 9
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I kind of see where your fiance is coming from. Because we lived so far away from them, I never really got to know my husband’s family before we got married. Sure, we visited a couple times but of course everyone was on their best behavior at that point because I was still “new”.

Only after the wedding did my husband’s family’s true colors come out. Had I known they would be so utterly vile and toxic before then I probably would have reevaluated whether or not I wanted to marry this man if I had to deal with his psychotic family.

Luckily, he’s pretty much estranged from them now. I feel kind of bad as he’s estranged from them because he knows I feel that way, but not really. It’s one of those “sorry not sorry” things for me. Every time we tentatively reach out to them again, or visit, it’s the same routine.

Post # 11
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Have you ever tried the approach of getting your parents and fiance to actually get to know each other and each other culture?  It’s one thing for you to tell them – and it’s another thing where they physically see and understand it.

I don’t know about you but my parents barely ever rely on the opinion/advice of their children.  They either rely on what they see or what they hear from others they deem wiser in the subject.  So if they barely ever see your Fiance and only hear bad things about Caucasians then of course they will have a bad opinion.  

Also – how much effort did your Fiance tried to impress them?  Did he try learn and respect your culture? Did he show it when he sees your parents?

Point being is perhaps instead of building a barrier between him and your parents… Maybe try building their relationship instead?

Post # 12
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - City, State

I find it interesting that your family thinks americans are soooooo disloyal and don’t stand behind their families yet they’re being disloyal to you by not accepting your choice. 

Maybe they’re the ones that lack deep loyalty and you should point that out.

Post # 13
Member
1519 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m in an interracial relationship as well, but thankfully haven’t experienced this to the extent that you have – mostly because we weren’t the trailblazers. Although my husband’s older brother was the first one to marry a spouse who wasn’t Chinese. Their father has come around over the years, especially with grandkids. But there was apparently a time when he wanted to disown his son, but their mom fought to keep the family together. I don’t think any of us spouses will ever be fully welcomed into the family by their dad – but we are tolerated, which has been years to get to that point. 

I don’t know you or your parents. Maybe they will come around or maybe it will always be a strained relationship. I think you and your fiance have some serious decisions to make. I understand your fiance’s hesitation. By asking you to marry him, he could be asking you to give up your family. 

Personally, I know I would find it very difficult to marry into a family if I knew that they hated me. But that’s me. 

Is there anything that he or both of you can do to appease your parents, like having a traditional Vietnamese wedding, or learning Vietnamese? Something to show them that he cares about your culture and the importance of family? 

Post # 14
Member
758 posts
Busy bee

This is hard, but I can understand how this could be really difficult for your Fiance.

You say you’re OK with the decision, but you also cry through the night — he can clearly see that losing your family would cause you a lot of pain. So he doesn’t want to lose you, but he doesn’t want to be the cause of such a painful thing in your life.

I’d suggest you two maybe try to work through that together, assuming you can’t change your families minds. Maybe with couples counselling? If, like you said, you’re really prepared to handle the fallout, I think that means learning to move past your families choice and be happy together. Once you can reach that point, it’ll be much easier for him to not feel so much guilt at the thought of marrying you. 

Post # 15
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry that your parents are being such jerks, putting you between a rock and a hard place. I have never understood people like this. What’s more, I don’t think it’s cultural; there are plenty of Asian parents who are fine with their child marrying a white person. Instead it’s about a need for control.

At your age it’s ridiculous to wait another 5 years…presuming you want to have children within the marriage. You need to stop crying about your family. There’s nothing you can do about them, and being upset about it just makes your Fiance upset. I recommend therapy for you to deal with the issue. 

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