- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015
[content moderated for trolling]
[content moderated for trolling]
I have no update as of yet. Since we had the big argument about it, I decided to let things cool down before approaching the subject again. I also want to give my family and fiancé time to think about what they would like to say as well. As soon as something changes, I will update the board.
thank you all for your messages. It has left me with more insight on the subject, and I am deeply thankful. This is to hoping the next conversations go well.
Well, last night, things hit the fan. Badly. There’s been tension in the household due to all the sadness surrounding this issue.my fiancé told me that he spoke to his dad about our situation, and his father agrees that it may be best to wait until I am done with school to get married. Reason being, my fiance feels that once I finish getting my bachelor’s degree, it will give my parents one less thing to be upset about when we get married. He also said that having a degree will be a mini safety net for me incase something does happen and we aren’t together or if he dies, etc. then he would feel better knowing I have my degree, and that can help protect me to take care of myself, in case he and my family are not around.
this is also not saying that divorcing is an option. It simply means that things happen sometimes and relationships may not be forever, even if we really really want them to be and do our best to not make it happen. He said that doesn’t mean at all that he ever wants to divorce; he just doesn’t want us to ignore the slight, tiny possibility that that’s a realistic result in some marriages. Bottom line: he would feel better getting married after I get my degree bc it will protect me.
i said I didn’t want to wait that long and if he wasn’t confortable with the idea of getting married now, then he should have never asked me to get married. He said that the last year has been so crazy with my family that it really opened his eyes to how controlling my family is and that they probably will shun me, and he can’t stand the idea of me being possibly being alone and away from them. I told him that didn’t make me feel good or confident about the relationship, and he says I’m misunderstanding What he is trying to convey.
it turned into a giant screaming match, and I told him I feel like he has wasted the last few years of my life and I know that hurt him. I was so angry that I just ripped all of our pics up and was bawling. He said that he does want to marry me and not marrying me is not an option; we just need to wait to get my degree to at least give my parents that to make them happy since that it’s one thing they keep harping for.
Today, I just feel sad and empty. He and I aren’t speaking. I don’t know what will happen to our relationship. He’s too stubborn to go to counseling. I feel lost. It’s hard bc we live together too.
i think you both need to figure out what you REALLY want. you guys have so much stress surrounding you that’s it’s probably hard to remember what is important to you both.
ie – would he marry you today with no pomp and circumstance? is he ready to be your husband? if yes, great, then you just need to figure out when/what works for you BOTH. not just him, not just you, and certainly not anyone who isn’t in the marriage.
also – the idea that you need to wait until after you have a degree in case he dies….is reaching SO far for an excuse it’s ridiculous.
your parents are already pissed and unreasonable, what are the odds that you getting the degree will actually change things significantly for the better? seems pretty low – meanwhile you’re both unhappy. so for me, that would be out.
you need to sit him down and calmly say ‘i want to marry you, and this is what i’m prepared to do about it.’ (talk to your parents, go to counselling to deal with their disapproval so that it doesn’t impact your marriage, take night classes to move up your graduation date, whatever.)
and then say, ‘you want to marry me, what steps can you take so we can move forward?’ and then see what he’s willing to do (counselling with you to deal with this stress, compromising on a shorter engagement, etc.)
if you both WANT to get married – you can. you just need to focus on what is actually important to you and go from there. i’d say have this conversation somewhere neutral – go to a park or something so that you’re out of the house (where you’ve likely been arguing this last week) and you can’t yell and scream.
i will definitely take your advice and approach him with these questions and see where that leads. It seems like the best idea! Thank you!
The latest issue in the household is that my older sister is getting married in a couple of months. She has said some horrible things about my fiance, but she can since felt bad and has apologized. She knows how much he means to me, and she said she wanted to support me and my relationship by inviting my fiance to come to the her wedding.
My fiance accepted the invitation because he wants to be there to support me and to show my family that he wants to be there and is with me for the long haul… The problem is my parents DO NOT want him at my sister’s wedding. They do not feel it is a good idea for him to come and essentially are saying he is not welcome. My sister is trying to talk to them, and she wants to support my relationship, but she also does not want drama on her wedding day.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell my fiance he is not invited to her wedding anymore bc that will only solidify his feelings of me not standing up to my family, and at the same time, I don’t want drama on my sister’s wedding day.
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