Post # 1
So my Fiance and I want a small intimate wedding. We decided on just his mom and son, my parents, closest sister and her son and FI’s closest friend. Fiance noted that we could have a larger party after with about 20 persons. Problem is that my family lives out of country and plus, I have a large, large family. I have five brothers and four sisters, each with spouse and children. It is unlikely that they all can come to the wedding anyways but they are not happy that they are not invited.
We really just want a small wedding and not this hoopla but eloping would have hurt my parents and they have been too good to me to deny them a day that they though I would never see. I have tried to explain to my bros and sisters that unlike their “big” day my Fiance and I are not interested in a big wedding. Furthermors, my immediate family (siblings and parents and no children) total 20 persons and trust me some of my siblings are not coming without their children.
How can I mitigate their feelings of being left out? Should I send them an invitation anyways and if so, what happens if they realy do plan to turn up?
Post # 3
I think the problem here is that you are inviting ONE of your siblings and not the rest. There really isn’t any way to have that come across as anything but rude to your other siblings. You’d either need to invite all of your siblings or none of them.
Post # 4
i don’t see a way of doing this without offending people. if you don’t care about that, though, and are deadset on having the small wedding, that’s fine, but you can’t expect people to not be upset.
Post # 5
I would probably be upset to. I would think “Why are his siblings invited, but not us” Its find to have it small, but you have to be fair on both sides of the families. If siblings are invited, all siblings are invited.
Also, even if it is really small and assuming you get along with your siblings I think that is the minimum line who you have to invite. If my sister got married and invited my mom, but not me, I would be really really annoyed and angry. But if my close cousin got married and only invited her siblings and mom, I would totally get that.
Post # 6
I would be extremely hurt if my siblings didn’t invite me to their wedding. My sister got married in a courthouse and I was there!
As for the “they probably wouldn’t be able to come anyways…” That doesn’t matter. Its their decision to come or not come, you shouldn’t make that choice for them. I find not inviting some immediate family while inviting other immediate family members really callous, regardless of the reasons.
Post # 7
Put “adult only reception” on your invitations, but send your siblings an invite. If they can’t come because of their kids, then that’s not on you. But at this point, I would be very very upset if I were them.
Post # 8
if my sister got married and invited our brother but not me – yeah, i would be pissed as we are all siblings.
as you feel they wont come – sometimes its the simple act of being invited that makes people feel welcomed/thought of and for you anything now is an after thought as you have already hurt some feelings
if they do attend be polite and gracious and happy that you have people in your life that love you – its still a private family only wedding, just you have a bigger family
Post # 9
@ lefeymw..he is not inviting either of his siblings either…but he is fine with inviting my sister
I can see from the responses why it may seem that I am playing favourites, but there is a background to my decision and simply being callus. I do want a small wedding and I really do not want to inflate the numbers of do without who we really want there….
My family is a blended family with my siblings all 15 to 21 years older than my younger sister and I. For most of my life they were simply not there …we were just the other two children my dad had after their mom died. It has only been in the last two or three years that there has been any semblance of forming a relationship between themselves and my sister and I. It has always been my parents and my sisters against the world.
As such, it is not for callous reasons, but this sister is one that I have grown with, she has been there for every step of my life, was instrumental in my meeting my fiance even though she did not know him ( and I later I actually met up with him first at her house). It might sound harsh but at this point, the relationship between my sister and I is simply not what is is with the rest of my siblings – something which is originally if their own making.
I may be wrong then, but I find it much easier to distance myself from the rest of my siblings as we never ever developed that close bond. Based on the advice here, the thing to do then is not to invite my younger sister, but honestly I cannot even imagine getting married without her being there. How can my other siblings recently decide to be the best brothers and sisters in the last two or so years and expect that that makes up for years when there was NO relationship?
Post # 10
How can my other siblings recently decide to be the best brothers and sisters in the last two or so years and expect that that makes up for years when there was NO relationship
i wont tell you how you should feel but as you have only developed a relationship with your older siblings in the past few years – by not inviting them i feel you are taking a sledge hammer to that small bridge of reconciliation.
either way, whats done is done. you can either be a gracious host and invite them or not – its up to you
Post # 11
Even hearing your explanation for being closer to one sibling than the others, well, I’m with the PP that you’re basically telling the rest that you have no desire to ever have a relationship with them – ever. You are making it clear that you don’t want them to be part of the family in the same way that you want your shared father to be.
Let me give some perspective on a similar situation. I have 2 half siblings through my deceased father. My sister got pissed that I was even born because she wasn’t Daddy’s only girl anymore. Hate is probably too soft a word to describe how she feels about my existence. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 14 years – at my father’s funeral.
However, when I found out that my brother through my father (more of a good buddy than a brother relationship) was having a baby and that his wife was expecting at the same time as my sister (his full sister), I sent them both baby gifts. First, it’s not the baby’s fault his mother is a royal witch. Second, I’m not going to cause drama between the two of them just because she and I can’t stand one another.
When planning a wedding, I will bite the bullet and send her an invitation, too. I don’t want her there, but I realize that I would be putting my brother, my grandmother, and my uncles in a very awkward spot if she were to start talking to any of them about how she never received an invitation. Like your situation, she would have to travel very far with a child in order to attend. I’m simply using that as a “filter” and know that she won’t come. Even if she were to show up, I really wouldn’t care. There will be 20 other people there who will be happy for us and in a celebratory mood.
I realize you want a small wedding, but I think you really need to think about the fact that any blooming relationship you’re starting to have with your siblings will likely be set back past the point of where you started because you’re making it clear you don’t see them as family. From the sounds of it, their presence won’t make it a big production with an over-the-top crowd size.
Also, remember that this won’t just impact your relationship with them. Anything your sister might be trying to re-establish or that your father might have could become awkward for them.
Post # 12
@LibertyBelle: Extremely well put.
Post # 13
I am gonna talk this though with with the Fiance. He is okay with my decision, but based on your responses, I am going to talk with him on it further. I am not sure what I will do, but I need to make a decision soon- one that makes me confortable and happpy on that day. I just seriously need to weigh all the advice given and take thea advice into consideration
Thanks for offering good words
Post # 14
This one sister who you would want there over the other siblings, why can’t she be your maid of honor? And everyone else just be a guest?
Post # 15
@eloping: i agree. this decision will have negative repurcussions.
this is why such small weddings are hard, because we realize there are more people than we may initially think that belong at our wedding. a destination wedding would have been your only choice, then you could invite everyone, but only those who could afford it would come!
i think you should invite all your siblings, and let them make the choice. I notice you aren’t inviting any friends either? I can’t imagine getting married without my best gals present. I think you need to do some damage control and rectify this situation, or you will have to deal with the unpleasant consequences. if you dont’ care how they feel slighted and will probably start to exclude you from family events in the future, then fine. But i sense, since you are writing this post, that you are questioning whether this is really the best thing to do.