My family is being ridiculous

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I’m going to be the bad guy here and say the thing I know I’m not supposed to say: I hate kids. I don’t want to be around them, don’t find them cute, I’m completely lacking anything resembling a maternal instinct, and there was absolutely no way I was going to have kids at my wedding. 

I let my family members who have young kids know that the wedding was adult only at the first part of the planning process. They were totally fine with it. A couple of other guests opted not to come without their kids, and that was fine, I respect their decision. Not inviting kids can be a controversial decision for some families, but I think you have to accept that some people won’t attend, and not hold it against them.

Weddings are about family, but they’re primarily about the couple exchanging their vows. While my choices weren’t what everyone would have made, this was an event we planned and paid for, so we decided the guest list and created the tone we wanted.

My advice to the OP would be to stand her ground regarding her decision, but be understanding to guests who decide they’d rather not come without their kids. If you make the decision not to invite the children, you have to accept that some parents may make the decision not to come. 

Post # 17
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think you can ban a breastfeeding mom from bringing her baby to the wedding unless you don’t want her — the breastfeeding mother — there. Like other PP’s have said, breastfeeding babies are the exception to a no kids rule. And while you are under no obligation to invite your 6 year-old nephew, I would not be able to say no. He’s your family and this is your wedding. I would want my nephew there or, at the very least, I wouldn’t want his exclusion to upset my brother.

Now, as to your brother singing songs? Hell to the no. He can throw his own party to showcase his singing. You get to dictate the entertainment at your wedding.

Post # 18
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I had a black tie wedding (aka adults only) but made an exception for the children in my immediate family. In my case, this was only four kids. The kids invited were my husband’s brother and sisters kids. Three girls were flower girls, and the boy was a ring bearer. 

I really don’t understand the absolutely no kids will be allowed at my wedding threads. You can let immediate family bring their children; that doesn’t mean every guest invited gets to bring their kids.

We had over 200 adults at our wedding. Who cares if there are a few kids there as well?  

Post # 19
Member
13373 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Breastfeeding babies are actually not an etiquette exception and it’s not rude to have an adult only wedding. You may however make an exception if you don’t want a nursing mom to send regrets, which she may do in any case.

I’d personally make accommodations for the baby in a nearby room, invite the nephew, and tell the brother he’s not singing, but that’s me. 

Post # 20
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

View original reply
llevinso :  

If its such a hassle to leave kids with a babysitter for one night they dont have to go…. they are invited not mandated lol.

Been to a few weddings where kids ripped wild and destroyed the venue and the parents screamed and complained at everyone else for music, lack of child entertainment etc and totally ruined the night. 

obviously also been to one’s where the kids were all a huge part of the celebrations and were angels.

depends on the crowd… but OP shouldn’t have to consider parent guilt for one evening. its her and fiances night

Post # 21
Member
6957 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
janne91 :  I was specifically addressing how OP said she wanted adults to not have to worry about their kids. I was saying IF they come without their kids it doesn’t mean the “worry” part goes out the window. There’s still tons to worry over and there is no such thing as a “worry-free” night out when you’re a parent. None of the things I listed were things I think OP has to or should worry about. I was saying the PARENTS would worry about these things. 

I actually said she’s welcome to invite or not invite children. I like adult-only weddings. But just be honest about it. She doesn’t want kids at her wedding. End of. Don’t couch it with “I want the parents to enjoy themselves and not have to worry.”

Post # 22
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
futurewife303 :  I always find it funny that parents have NO problem getting a sitter when they have a date night that they planned. However, when you planned your wedding and gave them months notice how dare you not invite their screaming child. Children do not care if they are at the wedding or not and NOT everyone finds kids at weddings cute. It is OK to have an adult only event. 

Weddings are for those family and friends who encouraged the relationship to celebrate your union. NO child encourages this, this has nothing to do with children unless you and your SO have them… child free weddings are OK and FANTASTIC!!! 

You never stated that your BM/MOH was even breastfeeding… she may be, she may NOT be. It is NOT your responsibility to provide a place to pump or to store the milk. This is the venues. MOST venues will have an area, that is not the bathroom, for a mother to pump. She can use the kitchen for storage. IF she is even breastfeeding. 

Stand your ground Bee… 

Post # 23
Member
13373 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
BrideK2Wings :  “Weddings are for those family and friends who encouraged the relationship to celebrate your union. NO child encourages this, this has nothing to do with children”

Traditionally, weddings are about two families coming together. While childfree weddings are completely at a couple’s discretion, to imply that children are inappropriate guests since they don’t support or “encourage” the union is just totally untrue. 

Post # 24
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
weddingmaven :  Families come together to celebrate the union of the couple…. again, has nothing to do with children. Adult only weddings and any event are fantastic! and OK.

Post # 25
Member
6988 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
llevinso :  All of this is very true in terms of babies (and I was an extra hypervigilant mother so I wouldn’t even leave my baby with a hired babysitter- only certain family members until he was well into toddlerhood). However, by the time my kid was 6, there was zero guilt about leaving him someplace while I had a good time. I went from “Where’s my baby?! Is he okay?!” to “I left him with people I trust and I’m sure he’s somewhere, still alive, enjoying himself. I’m glad I’m here and enjoying myself and now, I must get to it!” That guilt and anxiety does calm down after a while, thankfully!

OP- Your Maid of Honor with a babe in arms should have been able to bring her baby- especially if she is breastfeeding. That’s a bit obtuse on your part.

However, your brother is out of his mind and there’s really no need to stress about it. He can simply stay home. He’s trying to pull that “Well, I’m not coming if you don’t let me do x,y,z thing.” because he knows that you won’t want to take that option. If he knew you would say “Okay, stay home. You will be missed and you can see the pictures later.” as PP have stated, he wouldn’t even try to pull that.

Also, the fact that he thinks he can bully you into letting him sing when he has ZERO performance or singing experience makes me curious about the established family dynamic- are you generally someone who plays the role of the peace maker in your family?

Post # 26
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Why are people like this!?

I could understand if your Maid/Matron of Honor was asking for an exception to be made, as she is breastfeeding. But your 9 year old nephew isn’t going to give a shit whether he is there or not, only his parents do. He’ll be bored and restless and not have much fun himself, especially if there aren’t a bunch of other kids running around for him to play with and rock the dance floor with. And obviously you shouldn’t have to opt for a wedding full of kids just  to keep the one whose parents feel is entitled to be there entertained. They can leave him at home for one fucking night. 

And no, I wouldn’t be having my brother sing either. lol

Hopefully he comes to his senses about both of these things soon!

Post # 27
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

It’s certainly your right to choose to not invite children to your wedding, but it is also the right of guests to decline to attend due to their children not being invited (or for any reason, actually). What is not ok is getting upset with guests who choose to decline. Stand your ground with your brother, but be prepared for him to not attend the wedding.

Post # 28
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

My parents never took me to weddings as a child,  it was a night out for them and I was with the babysitter.  This was the 80s, so it seems expectations have changed. It’s totally fine to have a child free wedding. 

Post # 29
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I think it’s fine to have a ‘no kids’ wedding.  I totally understand the feel and mood of the reception that you’re striving for, and am choosing to have a ‘no kids-ish’ wedding, with family being the exception.

We don’t know your family numbers and dynamics (number of siblings, number of nieces/nephews, how close you are to everyone), so you’ll have to do what’s best for you.  Is your brother married?  Would his partner be able to stay home with the child?

I do agree with PP about the Maid/Matron of Honor and her having a 3-month old.  TBH, I’m surprised she agreed to do it, given the circumstances.  That means that she’s a really good friend, and I think she should have her baby there.  If you just have 1 brother and 1 nephew, then I say, let the kid come, in exchange for your brother not singing.  I wonder if that was his plan, to offer something so ridiculous, that you would agree to the other request, a negotiations thing.

I understand your desire to have what you want.  Remember that these minor decisions sometimes take more effort/energy out of you than they are worth.  You much choose your battles and be nice doing it.    

 

Post # 30
Member
7980 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t even like when professionals sing at weddings, much less your inexperienced brother singing. I agree with the PP saying that weddings are not a fun night off for parents. I have a wedding coming up next month and getting my 3 children watched for the night is a hassle. I’m not going to cut loose and drink and stay out late because you know what? The kids will still be up before the sun the next morning! That being said, child free weddings are nice and the bride and groom should have what they wish. If the parents don’t want to leave their kids- oh well, they will be missed!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors